A Decade Later, Infertility Awareness Week

I remember the late nights worrying that I would never be a mother. I always felt like one in my heart, I had been a babysitter for years and around little ones since I was a teenager. The joys of being an aunt to my friend's kids just wasn't the same, my husband and I wanted our own.

We thought about adoption, who wouldn't after all the struggle? It's common to have adoption suggested to a couple who is trying and having difficulty. It's also an unfortunate and often hurtful suggestion. Adoption isn't that easy and if it was a lot more children would have homes to go to, to homes where infertile couples who want a child can give a child a family.

After years of being told many things, being overweight, cycles no where to be found then constantly irregular. Finally everything falls into place, healthy diet, weight lost but still no baby, infertility is a cruel joke that no one is laughing at.

A common thing to do after all exhausted methods to have a child is IUI or IVF. Tests showed at the time we may not benefit from IUI so forward we went and IVF it was.

Years prior with monitoring and an injection there was an early loss but swept under the rug, denial about it ever happening. We never imagined we were about to experience the worst loss possible.

We conceived after our first IVF and were having identical twin daughters. They quickly developed TTTS, a syndrome where one baby becomes larger than the other, deprivation of much needed nutrients. If left untreated it is fatal. Opting for surgery to save their lives we proceeded forward.

It was too late, even though the surgery seemed successful lasering apart connected blood vessels, both girls died in womb. The worst loss imaginable. We felt broken.

Infertility snuck up on us after our loss, we tried unsuccessfully and decided to transfer our frozen babies from our original IVF. This would be our last chance before having to start all over again. This time would be different, we had to believe.

One decade from when we began trying for our family we became parents to a healthy baby boy. He is now 8 months old and thriving, we feel like the luckiest parents to have him in our lives.

Even though we have our rainbow son and our beautiful angel babies, we are still a couple who will struggle with infertility.  I am 1 in 8. This week is about awareness, showing that you are not alone, and hope is out there. Had I given up hope we would not of had our twins and would not have our son.

Much love and hugs to all who struggle, who dream to have a family, you are not alone. It's about awareness and education. Hoping you all get your happy beginnings.

Memories, April 2015

I keep telling myself that it doesn't take much time to do, to sit down and write a small something in the blog each day but life escapes me. The busy mommy life with an eight month old baby, the life I never imagined I would have after everything we went through the past decade.

So here we are, our son is rolling all over the floor chatting away, loudly, and playing with one of his toys. He isn't crawling officially as of yet or sitting up, he prefers to stand and likes moving his legs. We think there is a chance that he'll just pull himself up soon and go straight to running, wouldn't that be something?!

What's happened over the past month,.. Our son has his first tooth, broke through a few Friday's ago and he has also had his first viral cold. We've transitioned to cloth diapering and once I stock up on a few more all in one diapers I will be planning to cloth full time at home and until fully comfortable will still carry disposable diapers. I have two boxes of size 3 diapers that go up to about 22 lbs I believe, who knows if we will manage to use them all. Although considering using them for our upcoming vaca in a few months, may be easier than washing or using disposable inserts for cloth covers.

Our son likes to babble constantly, mama, dada, baba, hey-ya, e-ba, bubu, wowuh, hi, hehe, mmmha. No officially words that we've counted as of yet however he does seem to say mama the most frequently, probably because his mama is with him the most.

His baby book is filled out a little more with the what happened the day you were born section. Have begun to baby proof the house, it's only a matter of time that our son is crawling, walking, running and trying to climb everywhere.

I really enjoy our days together, even if all we do is stay home, play, practice crawling, sitting up and breastfeed. These moments are a blip of time in the long run.

Wishes For You

I wish so much for you baby boy. I wish that growing up want so hard, that patina of any kind wouldn't exist or that I could live that pain for you. Perhaps it is a learning lesson...

Watching you sleep and snore after falling asleep again. I know someday bed time will get easier. In the meantime I'm happy you need me, it won't be for forever but for now it's good enough.

Flashing Lights

Baby boy, you live to party. We are all still so tired from getting up early yesterday and driving out to a wedding. One the reception arrived and the music began you were bouncing and dancing, staring at the lights and hopefully the music want too loud. After the wedding we managed to be able to go to two stores, usually can't do that for as long as we were out. By the time we arrived home it was time to feed you and I looked at the clock, it was 12 hours later from when the day began. A long, but fun family day together.

7 Months

You turned 7 months old on Saturday. It's hard to believe but the time has passed by so quickly. I still need to finish updating your baby book, yep that's right, I wish I had more time but I like to include your father in writing in it and we just haven't taken the time to do so. We just enjoy spending our time with you.

We need to begin planning for the summer, our potential trip to California to see family. How long, when, where we are staying, all the details need to be squared away before we go. Plus need to have everything set up for the cats and someone to check in on them while we are away. This is why it all is still a potential trip because there is a lot to consider.

Wish I would write to you more often. I have so many special moments with you that I'd like to remember. Like right now, your wanting to sleep and nurse, it's so sweet. You can't decide if toy want to sleep or you want food. I think you're beginning to wake up though so that is fine.

Hoping we will still be breastfeeding by your first birthday. It's been extremely rough and as you've had solids and more formula in bottles there has been less or more difficult breastfeeding. Just how it goes I guess.

Off to spend the day together. I'm going to miss these days when you're old enough to be in preschool and kindergarten. I'm sure 17 to 18 years from now when you've graduated high school and on your way to college I'll wonder where did all the years go and fondly remember all these moments we spent together when you were a baby. Doesn't matter how old you get, our baby you will always be.

First Snow

Yesterday on the last cold day of winter, unless the cold returns; we took our son outside and let him enjoy the outside and snow. He was all smiles. Looking forward to next winter when he gets to walk in the snow himself. Oh what fun the future brings.

Breastfeeding Rant 1

All I want is to be able to continue our breastfeeding. I want to cry right now and so difficult to hold back the tears. Another rough night with gas pains, no thanks to what I've been eating the past 5 days. Feeling defeated and want to give up.