I wish so much for you baby boy. I wish that growing up want so hard, that patina of any kind wouldn't exist or that I could live that pain for you. Perhaps it is a learning lesson...
Watching you sleep and snore after falling asleep again. I know someday bed time will get easier. In the meantime I'm happy you need me, it won't be for forever but for now it's good enough.
Baby boy, you live to party. We are all still so tired from getting up early yesterday and driving out to a wedding. One the reception arrived and the music began you were bouncing and dancing, staring at the lights and hopefully the music want too loud. After the wedding we managed to be able to go to two stores, usually can't do that for as long as we were out. By the time we arrived home it was time to feed you and I looked at the clock, it was 12 hours later from when the day began. A long, but fun family day together.
You turned 7 months old on Saturday. It's hard to believe but the time has passed by so quickly. I still need to finish updating your baby book, yep that's right, I wish I had more time but I like to include your father in writing in it and we just haven't taken the time to do so. We just enjoy spending our time with you.
We need to begin planning for the summer, our potential trip to California to see family. How long, when, where we are staying, all the details need to be squared away before we go. Plus need to have everything set up for the cats and someone to check in on them while we are away. This is why it all is still a potential trip because there is a lot to consider.
Wish I would write to you more often. I have so many special moments with you that I'd like to remember. Like right now, your wanting to sleep and nurse, it's so sweet. You can't decide if toy want to sleep or you want food. I think you're beginning to wake up though so that is fine.
Hoping we will still be breastfeeding by your first birthday. It's been extremely rough and as you've had solids and more formula in bottles there has been less or more difficult breastfeeding. Just how it goes I guess.
Off to spend the day together. I'm going to miss these days when you're old enough to be in preschool and kindergarten. I'm sure 17 to 18 years from now when you've graduated high school and on your way to college I'll wonder where did all the years go and fondly remember all these moments we spent together when you were a baby. Doesn't matter how old you get, our baby you will always be.
Yesterday on the last cold day of winter, unless the cold returns; we took our son outside and let him enjoy the outside and snow. He was all smiles. Looking forward to next winter when he gets to walk in the snow himself. Oh what fun the future brings.
All I want is to be able to continue our breastfeeding. I want to cry right now and so difficult to hold back the tears. Another rough night with gas pains, no thanks to what I've been eating the past 5 days. Feeling defeated and want to give up.
Busy day with you today. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, you ate banana in your little feeder and fed yourself.. Then you hung out in your room with me later and rolled all over your room while I organized old clothes that you've outgrown into keep and donate piles.
I somehow forget everything else I did with your but for dinner you enjoyed some applesauce while we ate lasagna, someday you'll get to know what that's all about. Afterwards we bathed you, got you ready for bedtime and after a little breastfeeding you fell asleep for your big nap you missed earlier. You're still sleeping too.
Today you've had more bottle ounces than other days. It's bittersweet knowing that at this rate we won't be breastfeeding for much longer. My heart hurts but I'll do this with you for add long as you want.
I'll also finish up your baby book over this next week, I'll really try to. I've been the one filling out the pages so it stays consistent. Doesn't matter to me but does too your daddy I guess.
You just woke up so diaper and feeding time.
You are laying on my lap after a feeding, had to have your daddy get you a bottle because your gums must ache because you're not drinking very well. 4oz this time and I can't help but feel a little sad because you used to be great at this whole breastfeeding thing.
We've overcome so much. Hemmorage after cesarean, blood transfusion for your mommy. You had jaundice and the nurses wanted your heart and breathing monitored when we were in the hospital after your birth. Difficulty with latching, and I mean serious difficulty, then giving in and supplementing with formula. Probably giving too much at first but we weren't told how much to give, we were brand new at this.
Then we came home and had a continued rough start from your mommy worrying about how medications would effect you through breastmilk. Covering or not covering up with company at the house, not consistently pumping. Then pumping at every moment.
Your 2 month immunizations arrived and that hit you hard. Went from finally beginning to nurse well to chomping, my poor nipples couldn't take much more damage. It was finally in the best interest because you were having difficulty with breast and bottle to have your lip and tongue ties revised. It took a week to fully heal but you began to finally drink well and drink did you do too.
This positive change was the flip we needed. By your 3rd month we were about exclusively breastfeeding but that changed at your 4th month immunizations and check up appointment. We inquired about what could help you gain a little more weight, perhaps just an extra 100 calories a day. So we began to give you at least 2oz bottles, either breastmilk or formula.
My mistake when we began exclusively breastfeeding was to not keep up at pumping, I feel like I know that now because now it's more challenging to do.
By your 5th month appointment to get the remaining vaccination, your 2nd month appointment was so difficult for you that we decided to split up future immunizations. We learned that you barely gained any weight, looking back now that made a little sense because around Christmas you began to teethe more and therefore were going on a slight breastfeeding hunger strike. That, and you're extremely active and may just burn calories a little better.
It was time for a change and being told that "some just don't produce enough breastmilk and to supplement.." is hard to hear, in fact upset me greatly. Looking back in what was charted you were getting anywhere from 2oz to 6oz extra a day starting in December, your daddy wanted us to not just double that amount from 2oz but to at least triple if not quadruple it. We were told to try to double the amount, at least from your pediatrician. Forward we marched and the cycle of your preferring bottle over breast began.
Your 6th month appointment arrived and you gained well, about a pound and a half. Still low on the chart for weight but not for height or head circumference. Just a long and lean baby, I've grown to except that if your normal.
You are now about 6.5 months old and for the last two nights I've had to increase bottles and tonight the first in a long time, perhaps since you were 1 month old; had to give you a bottle. I then had us breastfeed afterwards and you've fallen asleep. That brings us to this moment.
I wish and I need things to be different. I want to breastfeed with you for as long as you want, I'm not ready to end this yet even if it's a struggle some days. I know it would be so much easier to just give in and give formula. I tell you this though, after the birth we had with you, what we wanted was taken away; I don't want this to be taken away before it's time.
Hopeful for a positive change to happen, I need there to be a swing in the other direction back towards breastfeeding. I wish your teeth coming in didn't ache so much and I wish my milk sprayed out like the bottles can for you, but my milk just isn't able to work as on demand as a bottle.
It's hypocritical of me to support others telling people to not give up when for the past week, several nights I've wanted to do just that, even had tears over it. Because I would regret weaning you now I'll keep moving forward. I never realized breastfeeding would be like this for us. I hope you're not upset with the decisions we made for you. Your daddy and your mommy just want you to grow, be happy, be healthy, and thrive. You're doing all of the above and more, you are an amazing child, we are blessed to have you as our son.
