The First Cold Day Of Fall / Missing Milestones

As I lay here this morning wrapped around a blanket this first cold day of fall watching a movie I wonder about our twins. 

What would they look like now? How big would they be at 5-6 months? Would they be rolling? How often would they smile? How often would they giggle? Would they like our cats? We are missing so many important milestone moments. 

So many people who know us don't know what to say or I suppose feel the grieving period should be over. But after eight long years trying and only to have all our hopes and dreams taken from us, this is not something easier gotten over. Our first anniversary of their loss and birth arrives in December, these holidays will be challenging to say the least. 

We will never get over this loss, we heal from it. The scar will forever remain, this is not a memory we want to forget. And while others get to watch their children grow we only have memories and photos. 

I've wondered before about karma, life lessons and reasons for things being. There was no reason for our twins to die but it happened. Had we known about the risks sooner we could have taken means to try and save them but there would still of been no guarantee. Twin twin transfusion syndrome is a horrible condition. 

Our twins did not leave us just to be forgotten. Their lives had meaning. I fight on speaking out for them. Isn't this what parents do? Stand up, defend, fight and protect their children? 

I am an advocate for pregnancy and infant loss, to bring awareness about it. Don't like it, unfriend me, because this is who I am now. Losing our children changed me forever and that part people wanted to see again died when they did. You're never the same after loss, you adapt, change, grow and accept the new surroundings. 

I am a good mother. And I will be a good mother to our rainbow when that day arrives. I feel like my life has so much more to offer. This can't be it. My path in this lifetime is to be a mother, I've always known it to be true. That's not everyone's career choice but it's mine.

We are now on our ninth year of trying and ever hopeful to be parents to children who are breathing, screaming, crying, laughing; our rainbow after the storm of loss. Ever hopeful for our happy ending and new beginning.