And It Was A Merry Christmas For Our Cats

And it was a Merry Christmas for our fur babies. They each received a special catnip toy, an apple and a banana. 

I like to think it's in memory of our twins except that they bite and attack the toys lol.

The cats also got a new feather toy that dangles off a stick, interactive play time and they love feathers!

Angel's Day

Today is Christmas Eve and at our house it involves cooking, some prep work for tomorrow and then a celebration with my side of the family. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and what this week and especially this new year will bring. Hopeful for what the future has in store for us and most of all, mixed bittersweet feelings about our twins... I declared in a short way of explaining that our angel babies deserve a day too so that Christmas Eve would be also known as Angel's Day. I can't help but think about our girls and wonder about them, think about the what ifs and miss them terribly. Life just hasn't been the same without them. And while I write this I realize one big, important gift I had made for my husband in memory of our babies, I think I want to give it to him for Christmas and this way he will have it for their Birth Angelversary Day on the 28th of December. I need to find a box and wrap... Happy Angel's Day everyone! <3

What I've Learned While TTC

This is what I've learned in my infertility trying to conceive journey. 

-That you're not alone. 
-It's important to have those you can open up to and who listen without judgement. 
-That each journey is different. 
-What works for one may not work for another.
-That being told to "just relax and it will happen" doesn't mean it will happen. In fact it may stress you out more.
-Cherishing what you have when you have it and remembering how others fight for what you have, so be thankful.
-Trying not to be grouchy at those who complain about their pregnancy or how they "wish it were over already".
-Honoring the lives much wanted gone too soon while trying for another.
-Life continues forward no matter what you do, best to try and adapt than fight change.

I'm sure I could go on but these are a few things I've learned through the years.

Our journey is not over, this is not the end, this is still the beginning.

Our Beaded Bracelet Keepsake Waiting List 12/15/13

Our current waiting list for beaded bracelet keepsake orders from Fruit Of The Womb Angels

Current as of Sunday, December 15th 2013

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Shipped Keepsakes List

Gabriel

Treave Franklin Clark

Baby Finley

three babies, Watson

Baby Odom

Robbie and Jake

Tristin Angel

Hope Noel, Lucas David, June Bug

Elektra Carmen Sullivan

Nehemiah

Amy Heather Mandelbaum

Makenzi Dawn Shouse

Emma Star Moore

Jameson

Elijah

Lillian Rain and Liam River

Maggie Rose

Ronan Michael Mullens

Donna Kay Chrisley

4 months, Magner

Aimee Skyler Williams

Aiden Sifuentes

Austin Bradley Togneri

Katelynn Brooke Tipton

Mateo Luke Rochford

Baby Sexton

Spencer John Osterhout

Timothy William Jr.

Shiloah Rathmann

Tanya Jackson

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Pending to Ship Keepsakes List

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Grace, Blake Nicole

Lizzy and Sis

Mariah

Jake Edward Carey

7 weeks, France

2 angels, Dorman

Angel Cobee Bell

My'Kel

Journey Leonard and Shelby Elizabeth

Chloe Danielle and Zoe Grace

Baby Stidham

Andrew Milan Martin

42 weeks, Higareda

Amera

Michael L. Betta

Masen James Fritzler

Harmony, Serenity

Elijah Alexander Larsen

Christopher Bryon and David Russel

Lane

Tiffany Nicole

Tovi Wren Smith

Richie Orion Smith

Jayarie

Kaleigh Joyce Henson

ShyAnn Elizabeth Laudrey

Erika Renee Pfeifer

Callie Murrell

Layla, Jayden

Keegan Dennis Taft

Miracle Baby Duran-Fleming, Angel Baby Duran-Fleming

8 weeks, Dillon W. Kephart, 5 weeks

Journey Leonard and Shelby Elizabeth Rivera

Sara Elizabeth, Ayanna Faith, James Knight

Raylee Jo

Chloe Anne Battershell

Nevaeh Elizabeth and Naomi Rose Battershell

Hope Elizabeth, 7 weeks- Evans

*Shipping out all orders that have been confirmed with full mailing address Monday morning, December 16th 2013. Hoping that everyone's keepsake helps bring some comfort and peace.

Temporary Closing Of FOTWA

Decided to temporarily close our charity for the holiday and finish up all old and current beaded bracelet requests. It's for the best. This way I can focus on family, honoring our twins babies memories and focus on the future. We will be returning to our charity work with new keepsakes to offer in 2014. http://www.fruitofthewombangels.org/

A Year Ago

It was a year ago, I remember it vividly. Finally being able to relax enough and then all the blood... The fright and worry that something could be wrong, all the nurses and doctors rushing in and out of my hospital room, and then the sigh of relief when they told me everything was ok with our twins, most likely just bleeding from the surgery. That feeling would not last for long.

It was on a Sunday, December 9th 2012 when we lost our first daughter after their laser surgery on December 7th to try and save their lives because they had stage 3-4 twin twin transfusion syndrome. Then after tears holding onto hope and having another one of the worst night's ever with a horrible allergic reaction to a medicine I was given for contractions I was not having, we then lost our second daughter on December 10th 2012.

Yes I blame the fact that it was a Catholic hospital and a teaching hospital for why we had to lose our second daughter. They should be about saving lives and not all medicines work for every patient. But will I be bitter and cold? No. Because I can not do anything about the fact that I lost our babies. I can not change the past. I can only learn from it and move forward.

Our daughters will not be forgotten, I will not allow their memories to be in the shadows. Any future children we have will know of their twin angel sisters and grow up knowing about death and that it is a part of life. Our future children will hopefully not fear death knowing that they should enjoy life and like their parents, embrace the moment and seize the day.

We had so many plans for our twins. Many felt that we could not handle the responsibility of having two children after not having any from eight years of trying. Who are they to judge or say what we could or couldn't have done? All I hear are judgments and unsolicited advice half the time. Like suddenly you're a parent or have been a parent for years and you know everything so hey, let's give these people who are expecting lots of advice and judge them if they want to raise their children differently than society does.

All those plans for our babies are gone now and what we do now in their memory is all for others, in the memories of other much wanted babies gone too soon. The future is now for our dream babies, our rainbows, the children that we hope to have.

I can not believe that after eight years we were lucky enough to get pregnant with help and thanks to infertility doctors through in vitro fertilization, just to lose everything due to twin twin transfusion syndrome just before their 19th week of life. It is now our ninth year of trying and we are hopeful for our rainbow.

It is bittersweet these feelings. The words "it's not fair" come to mind often some days, or the words "why me?" or "I treasured our pregnancy and our babies.. but they...". It doesn't matter because each person is different and who are we to judge? Even though I do find myself being judgmental at times, no I am not perfect, we all have our moments.

So here we are, the present moment, just trying to do the best that we can and make the most of our time together. My husband and I remembering our baby girls, who were identical and beautiful and looked so much like their father. We will honor our twins while we move forward because that is the only direction we can go in. The past can not be changed, the past can only be remembered.

Forever and ever we love you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!! Thank you for making me a mother and your daddy a father. We will never forget you and you will forever live in our hearts. <3 <3

Lullaby

'Lullaby'

By Evelyn Schwenke, December 8th 2013

Sweet oh sweet my lullaby
My dream dear dream this is tonight
Someday you'll see that day will arrive
But tonight you are my lullaby

Hopeful

Still hopeful for our rainbow and dreaming of the day we get to announce all the good news. Hoping for a gentle holiday as there are many anniversaries upcoming this month.

Bringing Awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Thankfulness

It is not that I wasn't thankful for the month of November, to be honest this year with our our twins has been very difficult and emotionally challenging. I usually do the days of thankfulness and life escaped me... I wrote about half of everything that I was thankful for and didn't write a list.. So this post shall be my list of what I am thankful for this year.


I began to write this November 25th and never was able to finish it until now.

What I'm thankful for, better late than never.. 

1-Our angel babies, because they made me a mother. 
2-My husband, because he is my rock, my everything and my best friend.
3-Our furry babies, our angel cats and our two girl cats Uzume and Roxy.
4-My family, those who are blood related and not.
5-My friends, so many caring, loving, supportive people I know.
6-Our PAIL community, you all have helped give me the strength to move forward.
7-Caring people who do things for others without an agenda or reason.
8-People who give others hope and positivity, the world is a dark enough place already..
9-Sweet potatoes, because they are tasty good and french fries from Red Robin.. 
10-Snowflakes and snowy days, because they will forever remind me of our twins.
11-Mementos of our twins, we only managed to get about 18 weeks with them, so anything we have and receive in their memory is cherished and important.
12-Our support page and charity we have in the twin's memory. It's helped me heal being able to help others.
13-ALL my "nephews and nieces" earthly and angels, Aunt Evie loves you all!!! 
14-Time with my husband, just us, I cherish every moment. 
15-The opportunity to have help trying to conceive thanks to doctors and modern medicine.
16-Moments that take your breath away and leave you in awe.
17-The little things that you don't think are important like physical ability, I'm thankful for what I still have..
18-Dreams, I have them all of the time and many people I know go their entire lives not being able to remember anything. My favorites were my pregnant vivid dreams. 

19-To be alive and be able to live this lifetime and see where it takes me. 
20-For Buddhism and peaceful forms of spirituality because they give me inner peace and happiness.
21-For happy memories. As we get older I feel it's so important to have happy memories. :)
22-Myself, for what I've been able to accomplish over the years with a change of diet, weight loss, spiritual development and more.. I need to give myself credit too and be thankful for myself. :)
23-For Facebook, yes I'm thankful for social networking otherwise I'd not of gotten back in touch with some of my good friends. Many may be annoyed by social networking but this is one of them that I'm actually thankful for. 
24-For Share and Resolve, they've helped me cope and heal with mourning the loss of our twins. 
25-Mother nature, our planet, where we live.. The circumstances may be out of our control due to the elements but it is our home, we should nurture it. 
26-Old friends you haven't heard from in awhile. It's nice to catch up again and start off right where you left off.
27-My digital SLT so I can capture beautiful and random moments. Thank you sweetie! :)
28-For family gatherings. It's wonderful to have everyone together enjoying each other's company, good food and making new memories together. :) 
29-Time...
30-Life.. <3

What I'll Sing To You

'What I'll Sing To You'

Written by Evelyn Schwenke, December 3rd 2013


When you are here with me and the sun is shining
When the day's storms pass and we're left with a rainbow
When the downs turn around and the light peers through the dark
I'll know that this is not just a dream of you
This will be our dream come true

Baby baby so very sweet, we've wanted you for years to be
A melody of a lullaby is dancing in my head tonight
Wondering what this future will bring
New hopes ignited again we shall see
This is the song I'll sing to you when you're here with me
So please be, our rainbow babe

When it's real and when it's right we'll know, we'll feel it, it will be alright
I want to sing so many songs to you, but first you have to make our dreams come true
Please oh please just let this be, not just an idea but a real baby
If this is true then we shall see
This is what I'll sing to you, baby

Baby baby so very sweet, we've wanted you for years to be
A melody of a lullaby is dancing in my head tonight
Wondering what this future will bring
New hopes ignited again we shall see
This is the song I'll sing to you when you're here with me
So please be, our rainbow babe
So please be, our rainbow babe