A Year Ago

It was a year ago, I remember it vividly. Finally being able to relax enough and then all the blood... The fright and worry that something could be wrong, all the nurses and doctors rushing in and out of my hospital room, and then the sigh of relief when they told me everything was ok with our twins, most likely just bleeding from the surgery. That feeling would not last for long.

It was on a Sunday, December 9th 2012 when we lost our first daughter after their laser surgery on December 7th to try and save their lives because they had stage 3-4 twin twin transfusion syndrome. Then after tears holding onto hope and having another one of the worst night's ever with a horrible allergic reaction to a medicine I was given for contractions I was not having, we then lost our second daughter on December 10th 2012.

Yes I blame the fact that it was a Catholic hospital and a teaching hospital for why we had to lose our second daughter. They should be about saving lives and not all medicines work for every patient. But will I be bitter and cold? No. Because I can not do anything about the fact that I lost our babies. I can not change the past. I can only learn from it and move forward.

Our daughters will not be forgotten, I will not allow their memories to be in the shadows. Any future children we have will know of their twin angel sisters and grow up knowing about death and that it is a part of life. Our future children will hopefully not fear death knowing that they should enjoy life and like their parents, embrace the moment and seize the day.

We had so many plans for our twins. Many felt that we could not handle the responsibility of having two children after not having any from eight years of trying. Who are they to judge or say what we could or couldn't have done? All I hear are judgments and unsolicited advice half the time. Like suddenly you're a parent or have been a parent for years and you know everything so hey, let's give these people who are expecting lots of advice and judge them if they want to raise their children differently than society does.

All those plans for our babies are gone now and what we do now in their memory is all for others, in the memories of other much wanted babies gone too soon. The future is now for our dream babies, our rainbows, the children that we hope to have.

I can not believe that after eight years we were lucky enough to get pregnant with help and thanks to infertility doctors through in vitro fertilization, just to lose everything due to twin twin transfusion syndrome just before their 19th week of life. It is now our ninth year of trying and we are hopeful for our rainbow.

It is bittersweet these feelings. The words "it's not fair" come to mind often some days, or the words "why me?" or "I treasured our pregnancy and our babies.. but they...". It doesn't matter because each person is different and who are we to judge? Even though I do find myself being judgmental at times, no I am not perfect, we all have our moments.

So here we are, the present moment, just trying to do the best that we can and make the most of our time together. My husband and I remembering our baby girls, who were identical and beautiful and looked so much like their father. We will honor our twins while we move forward because that is the only direction we can go in. The past can not be changed, the past can only be remembered.

Forever and ever we love you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!! Thank you for making me a mother and your daddy a father. We will never forget you and you will forever live in our hearts. <3 <3