You are laying on my lap after a feeding, had to have your daddy get you a bottle because your gums must ache because you're not drinking very well. 4oz this time and I can't help but feel a little sad because you used to be great at this whole breastfeeding thing.
We've overcome so much. Hemmorage after cesarean, blood transfusion for your mommy. You had jaundice and the nurses wanted your heart and breathing monitored when we were in the hospital after your birth. Difficulty with latching, and I mean serious difficulty, then giving in and supplementing with formula. Probably giving too much at first but we weren't told how much to give, we were brand new at this.
Then we came home and had a continued rough start from your mommy worrying about how medications would effect you through breastmilk. Covering or not covering up with company at the house, not consistently pumping. Then pumping at every moment.
Your 2 month immunizations arrived and that hit you hard. Went from finally beginning to nurse well to chomping, my poor nipples couldn't take much more damage. It was finally in the best interest because you were having difficulty with breast and bottle to have your lip and tongue ties revised. It took a week to fully heal but you began to finally drink well and drink did you do too.
This positive change was the flip we needed. By your 3rd month we were about exclusively breastfeeding but that changed at your 4th month immunizations and check up appointment. We inquired about what could help you gain a little more weight, perhaps just an extra 100 calories a day. So we began to give you at least 2oz bottles, either breastmilk or formula.
My mistake when we began exclusively breastfeeding was to not keep up at pumping, I feel like I know that now because now it's more challenging to do.
By your 5th month appointment to get the remaining vaccination, your 2nd month appointment was so difficult for you that we decided to split up future immunizations. We learned that you barely gained any weight, looking back now that made a little sense because around Christmas you began to teethe more and therefore were going on a slight breastfeeding hunger strike. That, and you're extremely active and may just burn calories a little better.
It was time for a change and being told that "some just don't produce enough breastmilk and to supplement.." is hard to hear, in fact upset me greatly. Looking back in what was charted you were getting anywhere from 2oz to 6oz extra a day starting in December, your daddy wanted us to not just double that amount from 2oz but to at least triple if not quadruple it. We were told to try to double the amount, at least from your pediatrician. Forward we marched and the cycle of your preferring bottle over breast began.
Your 6th month appointment arrived and you gained well, about a pound and a half. Still low on the chart for weight but not for height or head circumference. Just a long and lean baby, I've grown to except that if your normal.
You are now about 6.5 months old and for the last two nights I've had to increase bottles and tonight the first in a long time, perhaps since you were 1 month old; had to give you a bottle. I then had us breastfeed afterwards and you've fallen asleep. That brings us to this moment.
I wish and I need things to be different. I want to breastfeed with you for as long as you want, I'm not ready to end this yet even if it's a struggle some days. I know it would be so much easier to just give in and give formula. I tell you this though, after the birth we had with you, what we wanted was taken away; I don't want this to be taken away before it's time.
Hopeful for a positive change to happen, I need there to be a swing in the other direction back towards breastfeeding. I wish your teeth coming in didn't ache so much and I wish my milk sprayed out like the bottles can for you, but my milk just isn't able to work as on demand as a bottle.
It's hypocritical of me to support others telling people to not give up when for the past week, several nights I've wanted to do just that, even had tears over it. Because I would regret weaning you now I'll keep moving forward. I never realized breastfeeding would be like this for us. I hope you're not upset with the decisions we made for you. Your daddy and your mommy just want you to grow, be happy, be healthy, and thrive. You're doing all of the above and more, you are an amazing child, we are blessed to have you as our son.
