As I Hold Our Whole World In My Arms

As I hold our whole world in my arms I think about how much our lives have changed over the past decade. First trying to figure everything out, friends with the wrong people who weren't positive support in my life. Then a life changing surgery, everything was so clear afterwards and big changes happened. It's like I was searching to find out who I was and why I was this unsettled person. And then we were expecting the twins, positive tests, ultrasounds, it all was really happening, and then we lost everything. Losing a child is the worst loss, the loss of more than one child is devastating. All these years we were working towards something beautiful and now years after the loss of our daughters I hold their brother in my arms. 

As I hold our whole world in my arms I think about all the people I wish I'd see, the phone calls I haven't made, the emails I meant to write; being a stay at home mommy is a busy job but one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Time with family and friends will happen, the phone calls and email can wait, what's important now is our son and I want to give him all the time I can while I can.

As I hold our whole world in my arms I miss his sisters, his sibling, all his guardian angels that are watching over him. Our son may not have come into this world the way we hoped, I'm still grieving that and that's ok, because what matters most is that our son is in our world, he made it. Now my job is to help him grow, teach him things about life, and be his mommy.

As I hold our whole world in my arms time slows down to a crawl and for a moment while I listen to him breathe, feel his warmth, his hand resting upon my chin, life is perfect. I want to remember this moment forever. Life is beautiful, this time is precious. This is exactly who I want to be, no more unsettled searching, this is exactly who I'm meant to be. I am a mother to all our children but it wasn't until our son was born that I felt it fully, not just in my heart now.

As I hold our whole world in my arms, I am a mom.

Your daddy and momma love you Bond Frederick. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being our baby boy. I hope we do a great job at being your parents because we are proud to have you as our son.