So Beautiful

So beautiful,
The way your breath breathes in and out,
The way you sleep, so peaceful, so sweet,
Your moving limbs when you dream about.

So beautiful,
The way you look at me,
When you wake, your love so great,
I want you to look at me this way forever.

So beautiful,
Watching you grow, so alive,
I often have to remind myself that this is real, you are here, you are a part of me, a part of your daddy and I.

So beautiful,
Those laughs, those coos, those cries,
Many years we tried and lost our loves, but we still held on, hoping now you are old when we say our final goodbye.

So beautiful,
Each second on earth with you,
Never want to forget, don't want to regret , want to remember our beautiful lives with you. 

(C)1/29/2015, by Evelyn Schwenke 

In His Eyes

I love how in our son's eyes I am perfect. He doesn't care about my weight, my appearance is only one part of me. In his eyes I am perfect, I am beautiful, I am mommy. I wish I could see myself through his eyes.

A matter of weight.

If I had to choose between being my ideal weight or having you in my life baby boy there'd be no question. I'd  rather be overweight and have you than be skinny and without you. I'll try to remind myself how lucky I am to have you in my life the next time I'm feeling low because of how much weight I gained during each pregnancy. And I know to you I'm perfect no matter how I look or how much I weight because to you I'm mommy. I wish I could see myself through your eyes.

I feel like I've failed.

Our long and lean baby officially is being given extra calories from pumped breastmilk and formula to help him gain weight. For some reason even with giving at least an extra 2oz a day he's only gained 3 ounces in four weeks, that's not good.

Last appointment's vaccinations were extra difficult to bounce back from, more teething too. With how his breastfeeding changed last month I suspect he could have lost some weight and recently gained it back (he felt heavier..), or I feel he could have a high matabilisum and/or burning more calories, or just not getting enough fat and sweating too much.

I must have cried at least a dozen times since home from our 5 month appointment (to get the other vaccination, of which he is extra sleepy from this one too) and now back to pumping and plan to do everything I can to keep my breastmilk supply from dropping or drying up.

All this worry stresses me out terribly. I'm at my wits end, feel like I won't be nursing for too much longer because for every bottle he gets he becomes more frustrated at the breast. I feel horrible that my breasts just can't flow quickly like a bottle can.

Trying to take this one day at a time and praying we can at least nurse up to a year. Asked the pediatrician about when to begin solids because our son had been really interested in what we've been eating, trying to reach out and grab it even. If given the ok seriously considering starting solids to help see it can help him get more calories so he can gain weight.

Our breastfeeding story had been a struggle but I thought it was finally a success. Now I know (like what the nurse said and what felt like in the most rude and harsh way possible) that some woman just aren't able to produce enough milk and have to supplement. That nurse doesn't know our history with breastfeeding and how far we've come, but I suppose none of that matters now. 

I want our son to be ok and to gain weight. I'll do what I have to but that doesn't mean I won't grieve about it in the process.

Ladies Man

Let me make this clear because one day you may not believe me, although I hope you will.

I will always love you.

I will love you no matter who you love, no matter the color of their skin, no matter their gender, no matter their spirituality, no matter their origin, no matter their social status, no matter their age, no matter their weight, no matter their height.

I love you unconditionally and support you.

I will love you if you want to be single, if you want to get married, if you want to have kids or never have kids, no matter if you go to collage or don't go to collage. I will love you no matter your career or your hobby, whatever you decide to do in the future I will love you.

So please don't you stress out or conform to what society may say is normal or acceptable, the times are changing. I hope in the future you will have everything you need and won't have to struggle. I hope you are able to appreciate what you have no matter big or small, and cherish who you have in your life. We are so thankful to have you.

You just be you. Because you are wonderful, amazing, beautiful and perfect just as you are.

And in case you need more reminding, I love you!

Memories 1-13

The way you fall asleep, so peaceful. I want to hold onto you forever. You're beautiful.

I Can't, I Won't

I can't fail you, I won't. I'm in tears over everything. Just please start rocking again, I'll try my best to do right by you. I love you so very much!!!