I sit and wonder about the future. Robbed of what should and could have been a "normal" pregnancy with our twins, and never experienced what should have been with our first years prior.
I sit and wonder because is this really how "normal" is supposed to feel like?
The second trimester is so different than the first. I can go for hours now without feeling like I need to eat and then suddenly hunger hits me and I want to eat everything in sight. Who knows, perhaps this really is normal..
Sixteen weeks now of beautiful life and just hoping, dreaming, feel like begging and praying that we make it to the home stretch where we should have been so many times before. They say forty weeks is ideal so let's shoot for that goal, August is our month and the eighth will be our finish line. Although if we arrive a few weeks earlier, as long as we are healthy, then I don't think we will mind.
I'm left with wondering, thinking about our twins and what should have been. Ok, I already said that but it's the truth. Something happened with our first baby when we were a few weeks along and that baby never had a chance, we never learned why either and has left me with regret. Our twins we lost from TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome) and honestly if the doctors had been more aggressive from the start then perhaps we wouldn't have lost them or both of them. It is the not knowing that aches my heart so often.
I need to make it past the point of losing our twins. Somehow we made it through the twins first years anniversaries and somehow we made it into the new year. Here we are only weeks away from when we lost our twins. I need us to make it past that point! I desperately need us to make it past eighteen weeks and four days! Our anatomy ultrasound is at eighteen weeks and five days and then days later we will be at nineteen weeks. I will hold onto that day in my mind and try my best to enjoy every single moment between now and then.
I wonder about the future with our rainbow baby. I want to see us make it there.
Hold on little baby. Grow, be healthy and stay strong!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Since November..
How do I begin? Perhaps I'll start from the beginning which would be in November but if I were to truly go back to the start of it all it began two years ago this August. That month in August 2012 our embryos were conceived through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), we had six who made it to cycle day 3, two were transferred and four were frozen.
We conceived identical twin girls the first time around and were originally due in May 2013 but lost our pregnancy half way through. Our twins had developed something called TTTS (Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and after a surgery to try and save their lives we lost them both days later in December 2012.
After our loss we knew there was nothing we could do but move forward. We missed our twins terribly and wanted nothing more than to have them back and to be pregnant again right away, those were bittersweet days, weeks and months.
Finally some time passed, we had been trying naturally for months with no success and decided we needed some help. Returned to see a new doctor after a seminar we attended and learned how they could help us with our remaining frozen embryos. Through out the process we also learned that in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) community, that a frozen embryo is also come to be known as a snowflake, we liked the name and idea as we often think of our twins as our snow angels.
We scheduled for a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) for the month of September and moved forward, unfortunately it was 2 steps forward and 100 steps back once we neared the finish line and were ready for our transfer that was days away at the time. We learned our embryos did not thaw the day they were supposed to, in fact not at all, we would have to delay our transfer and schedule for the next nearest time possible. The clinic we used for our FET took their embryos to cycle day 5 if you were not there already and ours were originally at cycle day 3. The timing of everything is crucial when you're having a transfer!
November was our next shot and we did everything all over again, this time with no hiccups and on the 20th of November our transfer took place and two beautiful day 5 embryos (otherwise known as blastocysts) were transferred. The other two were kept and watched as they were not growing very well, the next day we received the bad news that our other embryos did not make it. These two that we had inside were our last shot before having to start all over again.
The wait through Thanksgiving wasn't easy, in fact I had a moment of panic when I looked at myself before group pictures thinking, "..you have pregnancy glow, crap! they'll know!" But the family never suspected and after our joy of learning the first week of December that we were pregnant we could not wait to see our baby or babies on our first ultrasound on the 19th.
Somehow we made it through the first year anniversaries of losing each our twins on the 9th and 10th of December. I am sure had it not been for our rainbow baby I would not have been able to be so strong.
The 19th of December arrived, I remember how stressful that day was because things were so different with this pregnancy then with the twins. My ovaries also hyperstimulated during the fresh IVF cycle so that made symptoms stronger and more noticeable, also there were two babies, that makes a difference. The appointment time arrived and there we were just waiting, anticipating, in the same room we transferred in and got the best news possible, we were pregnant! We were pregnant, there was a heartbeat and from the looks of it only one baby. We didn't care if we were going to have one or four babies, we just wanted to know the baby was healthy and we were on schedule. Good news is reassuring.
Christmas arrived and our fun announcements began, oh how much fun they were and looking back wish we could have done things differently but how you picture it in your mind doesn't always turn out as you were planning for. All happy family members and what I enjoyed most were the reactions. I should have just had us come out and say it during diner or breakfast or brunch with family, as if it were a comment about the weather and wait for people's reactions. Can't do that over again but soon enough we will have a gender reveal so we shall see what fun ways we can make that announcement.
The first year anniversary of the day our twins were born arrived right after Christmas on the 28th. It was a difficult day for me, I remember so much and then so little because of the experience. We looked through an album of photos I had finally put together and looked at some keepsakes, like we did on their angelversaries too. We missed our girls but we were happy we had our rainbow baby. Bittersweet those feelings.
Days after the new year we had our first big scare. I was spotting and had abdominal cramping, woke up that day just feeling like something was wrong. Normally in the past, like with the twins, I would have just taken what the doctor said and relaxed or tried to; wait until the appointment with the doctor for an ultrasound. However we were in between doctors at the time and I didn't know what to do, I had to follow my instincts, my gut could not be wrong. There was only one option at the time so my husband drove me to the ER and after five hours, an ultrasound they wouldn't let me watch, images they wouldn't let us see afterwards apparently all due to confidentiality legality with the hospital; we were told that our baby looked fine but there was a sliver of blood by the placenta. Sliver of blood by the placenta!, that didn't sound fine to me and so with the recommendation we drove to the pharmacy to pick up Prometrium (a pill form of progesterone) just as a precaution until I was able to see a doctor.
A few days later I finally was able to learn that all the medicines I was currently on would be adequate and that I did not need to continue Prometrium, take it easy and follow up with my doctor. My "follow up" would be my first patient appointment so I still had a little bit of wait time before we would learn if we were truly ok or not.
My first appointment with the new OBGYN went well, he has a very nice practice, a good staff, kind nurse, and great practice; not to forget to mention that he is one of the best doctors in the state or so it seems thanks to websites like healthgrades.com We learned at our appointment that it did not look like there was any reason for alarm, no sign of blood so that meant it dissipated and reabsorbed into the body. I set up some prenatal appointments for ultrasounds and with going to a high risk doctor you're seen every two weeks with some pregnancies. I happen to fall under one of those so I got to have one other appointment for January before scheduling my two appointments for February.
February arrived and we had been having no other worrisome occurrences, finally in the start of our 13th week we were more than ready to announce. This here is an example of one of our announcements http://thoughtsofanangelmommyfotwa.blogspot.com/2014/02/announcement-we-have-rainbow-on-way.html.
So far there has been good growth and everything seems to be on schedule. Only minimal concerns and something to be watched through out the pregnancy. I have my days where I worry, this week will be 16 weeks and we were about half way through our 18th week when we lost the twins. But this pregnancy has been different, there is no reason for serious concern so far and with going to a high risk doctor he tells you the risks even if it won't end up being one in the future; I appreciate that much more than the doctors keeping us in the dark like with the twins. Knowledge is power!
Plan on using this blog to write about the twins as well as our rainbow, our beautiful baby to be, our snowflake rainbow baby. Hopeful for August and all the milestone moments to be between now and then. After our storm came a rainbow. Technically we lost one other but years earlier, and although never medically confirmed and early on we are sure that we still had a loss. We thought of and referred to our twins as our first but after losing them too it brought back many emotions, I could not deny the life of the child we had years prior any longer.
This August will be 14 years my husband and I have been together, this October we will have been married for 12 years and trying for 10 years. We went through so much to get here but that's a story for another day. Our journey is not over, it is just beginning. Forever remembering and loving our three angel babies, Baby Bean, identical twin girls Apple Marie and Banana Lee. We hope that they are watching over as a guardian angel for their baby brother or baby sister to be. Looking forward to meeting our rainbow this August. We love you our beautiful angels! We love you our beautiful snowflake rainbow baby!
Never lose hope, sometimes hope is all you have.
We conceived identical twin girls the first time around and were originally due in May 2013 but lost our pregnancy half way through. Our twins had developed something called TTTS (Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and after a surgery to try and save their lives we lost them both days later in December 2012.
After our loss we knew there was nothing we could do but move forward. We missed our twins terribly and wanted nothing more than to have them back and to be pregnant again right away, those were bittersweet days, weeks and months.
Finally some time passed, we had been trying naturally for months with no success and decided we needed some help. Returned to see a new doctor after a seminar we attended and learned how they could help us with our remaining frozen embryos. Through out the process we also learned that in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) community, that a frozen embryo is also come to be known as a snowflake, we liked the name and idea as we often think of our twins as our snow angels.
We scheduled for a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) for the month of September and moved forward, unfortunately it was 2 steps forward and 100 steps back once we neared the finish line and were ready for our transfer that was days away at the time. We learned our embryos did not thaw the day they were supposed to, in fact not at all, we would have to delay our transfer and schedule for the next nearest time possible. The clinic we used for our FET took their embryos to cycle day 5 if you were not there already and ours were originally at cycle day 3. The timing of everything is crucial when you're having a transfer!
November was our next shot and we did everything all over again, this time with no hiccups and on the 20th of November our transfer took place and two beautiful day 5 embryos (otherwise known as blastocysts) were transferred. The other two were kept and watched as they were not growing very well, the next day we received the bad news that our other embryos did not make it. These two that we had inside were our last shot before having to start all over again.
The wait through Thanksgiving wasn't easy, in fact I had a moment of panic when I looked at myself before group pictures thinking, "..you have pregnancy glow, crap! they'll know!" But the family never suspected and after our joy of learning the first week of December that we were pregnant we could not wait to see our baby or babies on our first ultrasound on the 19th.
Somehow we made it through the first year anniversaries of losing each our twins on the 9th and 10th of December. I am sure had it not been for our rainbow baby I would not have been able to be so strong.
The 19th of December arrived, I remember how stressful that day was because things were so different with this pregnancy then with the twins. My ovaries also hyperstimulated during the fresh IVF cycle so that made symptoms stronger and more noticeable, also there were two babies, that makes a difference. The appointment time arrived and there we were just waiting, anticipating, in the same room we transferred in and got the best news possible, we were pregnant! We were pregnant, there was a heartbeat and from the looks of it only one baby. We didn't care if we were going to have one or four babies, we just wanted to know the baby was healthy and we were on schedule. Good news is reassuring.
Christmas arrived and our fun announcements began, oh how much fun they were and looking back wish we could have done things differently but how you picture it in your mind doesn't always turn out as you were planning for. All happy family members and what I enjoyed most were the reactions. I should have just had us come out and say it during diner or breakfast or brunch with family, as if it were a comment about the weather and wait for people's reactions. Can't do that over again but soon enough we will have a gender reveal so we shall see what fun ways we can make that announcement.
The first year anniversary of the day our twins were born arrived right after Christmas on the 28th. It was a difficult day for me, I remember so much and then so little because of the experience. We looked through an album of photos I had finally put together and looked at some keepsakes, like we did on their angelversaries too. We missed our girls but we were happy we had our rainbow baby. Bittersweet those feelings.
Days after the new year we had our first big scare. I was spotting and had abdominal cramping, woke up that day just feeling like something was wrong. Normally in the past, like with the twins, I would have just taken what the doctor said and relaxed or tried to; wait until the appointment with the doctor for an ultrasound. However we were in between doctors at the time and I didn't know what to do, I had to follow my instincts, my gut could not be wrong. There was only one option at the time so my husband drove me to the ER and after five hours, an ultrasound they wouldn't let me watch, images they wouldn't let us see afterwards apparently all due to confidentiality legality with the hospital; we were told that our baby looked fine but there was a sliver of blood by the placenta. Sliver of blood by the placenta!, that didn't sound fine to me and so with the recommendation we drove to the pharmacy to pick up Prometrium (a pill form of progesterone) just as a precaution until I was able to see a doctor.
A few days later I finally was able to learn that all the medicines I was currently on would be adequate and that I did not need to continue Prometrium, take it easy and follow up with my doctor. My "follow up" would be my first patient appointment so I still had a little bit of wait time before we would learn if we were truly ok or not.
My first appointment with the new OBGYN went well, he has a very nice practice, a good staff, kind nurse, and great practice; not to forget to mention that he is one of the best doctors in the state or so it seems thanks to websites like healthgrades.com We learned at our appointment that it did not look like there was any reason for alarm, no sign of blood so that meant it dissipated and reabsorbed into the body. I set up some prenatal appointments for ultrasounds and with going to a high risk doctor you're seen every two weeks with some pregnancies. I happen to fall under one of those so I got to have one other appointment for January before scheduling my two appointments for February.
February arrived and we had been having no other worrisome occurrences, finally in the start of our 13th week we were more than ready to announce. This here is an example of one of our announcements http://thoughtsofanangelmommyfotwa.blogspot.com/2014/02/announcement-we-have-rainbow-on-way.html.
So far there has been good growth and everything seems to be on schedule. Only minimal concerns and something to be watched through out the pregnancy. I have my days where I worry, this week will be 16 weeks and we were about half way through our 18th week when we lost the twins. But this pregnancy has been different, there is no reason for serious concern so far and with going to a high risk doctor he tells you the risks even if it won't end up being one in the future; I appreciate that much more than the doctors keeping us in the dark like with the twins. Knowledge is power!
Plan on using this blog to write about the twins as well as our rainbow, our beautiful baby to be, our snowflake rainbow baby. Hopeful for August and all the milestone moments to be between now and then. After our storm came a rainbow. Technically we lost one other but years earlier, and although never medically confirmed and early on we are sure that we still had a loss. We thought of and referred to our twins as our first but after losing them too it brought back many emotions, I could not deny the life of the child we had years prior any longer.
This August will be 14 years my husband and I have been together, this October we will have been married for 12 years and trying for 10 years. We went through so much to get here but that's a story for another day. Our journey is not over, it is just beginning. Forever remembering and loving our three angel babies, Baby Bean, identical twin girls Apple Marie and Banana Lee. We hope that they are watching over as a guardian angel for their baby brother or baby sister to be. Looking forward to meeting our rainbow this August. We love you our beautiful angels! We love you our beautiful snowflake rainbow baby!
Never lose hope, sometimes hope is all you have.
Announcement! We have a RAINBOW on the way!
My husband and I have been a couple for 14 years this August. Our journey together continues forward as we add a new member to our family. Forever keeping our angel babies in our hearts and that they are watching over their baby brother or sister. There have been moments and we are being careful this time around, joyful as can be we happily announce to you all that we are expecting a baby, due August 2014.
And to our snowflake rainbow baby, your daddy and mommy love you!!!
"Just Adopt"
Just Adopt they say.. It's not as easy as it sounds.
Before and after the twins we got those typical comments like "why not just adopt" or "you can always adopt". As if adoption is such an easy process.. We all have that someone who knows someone who had a quick or easy process and was able to adopt, that doesn't mean it will apply to us the same.
I too have often thought of adoption but due to my disability most likely could be denied right off the bat. So next time you think of mentioning something like this to someone who is trying, is infertile or just lost a child, do yourself a favor and don't say anything about adoption. Especially if you've not walked the path they have.
Be mindful of your words and be kind to one another.
Before and after the twins we got those typical comments like "why not just adopt" or "you can always adopt". As if adoption is such an easy process.. We all have that someone who knows someone who had a quick or easy process and was able to adopt, that doesn't mean it will apply to us the same.
I too have often thought of adoption but due to my disability most likely could be denied right off the bat. So next time you think of mentioning something like this to someone who is trying, is infertile or just lost a child, do yourself a favor and don't say anything about adoption. Especially if you've not walked the path they have.
Be mindful of your words and be kind to one another.
Happy New Year, better late than never..
So it's a late but still wished upon everyone for a Happy New Year! Hopeful for many positive and wonderful things this year for all I know! May this year be a great one for you!
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