Wonder

I sit and wonder about the future. Robbed of what should and could have been a "normal" pregnancy with our twins, and never experienced what should have been with our first years prior.

I sit and wonder because is this really how "normal" is supposed to feel like?

The second trimester is so different than the first. I can go for hours now without feeling like I need to eat and then suddenly hunger hits me and I want to eat everything in sight. Who knows, perhaps this really is normal..

Sixteen weeks  now of beautiful life and just hoping, dreaming, feel like begging and praying that we make it to the home stretch where we should have been so many times before. They say forty weeks is ideal so let's shoot for that goal, August is our month and the eighth will be our finish line. Although if we arrive a few weeks earlier, as long as we are healthy, then I don't think we will mind.

I'm left with wondering, thinking about our twins and what should have been. Ok, I already said that but it's the truth. Something happened with our first baby when we were a few weeks along and that baby never had a chance, we never learned why either and has left me with regret. Our twins we lost from TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome) and honestly if the doctors had been more aggressive from the start then perhaps we wouldn't have lost them or both of them. It is the not knowing that aches my heart so often.

I need to make it past the point of losing our twins. Somehow we made it through the twins first years anniversaries and somehow we made it into the new year. Here we are only weeks away from when we lost our twins. I need us to make it past that point! I desperately need us to make it past eighteen weeks and four days! Our anatomy ultrasound is at eighteen weeks and five days and then days later we will be at nineteen weeks. I will hold onto that day in my mind and try my best to enjoy every single moment between now and then.

I wonder about the future with our rainbow baby. I want to see us make it there.
Hold on little baby. Grow, be healthy and stay strong!