So Beautiful

So beautiful,
The way your breath breathes in and out,
The way you sleep, so peaceful, so sweet,
Your moving limbs when you dream about.

So beautiful,
The way you look at me,
When you wake, your love so great,
I want you to look at me this way forever.

So beautiful,
Watching you grow, so alive,
I often have to remind myself that this is real, you are here, you are a part of me, a part of your daddy and I.

So beautiful,
Those laughs, those coos, those cries,
Many years we tried and lost our loves, but we still held on, hoping now you are old when we say our final goodbye.

So beautiful,
Each second on earth with you,
Never want to forget, don't want to regret , want to remember our beautiful lives with you. 

(C)1/29/2015, by Evelyn Schwenke 

In His Eyes

I love how in our son's eyes I am perfect. He doesn't care about my weight, my appearance is only one part of me. In his eyes I am perfect, I am beautiful, I am mommy. I wish I could see myself through his eyes.

A matter of weight.

If I had to choose between being my ideal weight or having you in my life baby boy there'd be no question. I'd  rather be overweight and have you than be skinny and without you. I'll try to remind myself how lucky I am to have you in my life the next time I'm feeling low because of how much weight I gained during each pregnancy. And I know to you I'm perfect no matter how I look or how much I weight because to you I'm mommy. I wish I could see myself through your eyes.

I feel like I've failed.

Our long and lean baby officially is being given extra calories from pumped breastmilk and formula to help him gain weight. For some reason even with giving at least an extra 2oz a day he's only gained 3 ounces in four weeks, that's not good.

Last appointment's vaccinations were extra difficult to bounce back from, more teething too. With how his breastfeeding changed last month I suspect he could have lost some weight and recently gained it back (he felt heavier..), or I feel he could have a high matabilisum and/or burning more calories, or just not getting enough fat and sweating too much.

I must have cried at least a dozen times since home from our 5 month appointment (to get the other vaccination, of which he is extra sleepy from this one too) and now back to pumping and plan to do everything I can to keep my breastmilk supply from dropping or drying up.

All this worry stresses me out terribly. I'm at my wits end, feel like I won't be nursing for too much longer because for every bottle he gets he becomes more frustrated at the breast. I feel horrible that my breasts just can't flow quickly like a bottle can.

Trying to take this one day at a time and praying we can at least nurse up to a year. Asked the pediatrician about when to begin solids because our son had been really interested in what we've been eating, trying to reach out and grab it even. If given the ok seriously considering starting solids to help see it can help him get more calories so he can gain weight.

Our breastfeeding story had been a struggle but I thought it was finally a success. Now I know (like what the nurse said and what felt like in the most rude and harsh way possible) that some woman just aren't able to produce enough milk and have to supplement. That nurse doesn't know our history with breastfeeding and how far we've come, but I suppose none of that matters now. 

I want our son to be ok and to gain weight. I'll do what I have to but that doesn't mean I won't grieve about it in the process.

Ladies Man

Let me make this clear because one day you may not believe me, although I hope you will.

I will always love you.

I will love you no matter who you love, no matter the color of their skin, no matter their gender, no matter their spirituality, no matter their origin, no matter their social status, no matter their age, no matter their weight, no matter their height.

I love you unconditionally and support you.

I will love you if you want to be single, if you want to get married, if you want to have kids or never have kids, no matter if you go to collage or don't go to collage. I will love you no matter your career or your hobby, whatever you decide to do in the future I will love you.

So please don't you stress out or conform to what society may say is normal or acceptable, the times are changing. I hope in the future you will have everything you need and won't have to struggle. I hope you are able to appreciate what you have no matter big or small, and cherish who you have in your life. We are so thankful to have you.

You just be you. Because you are wonderful, amazing, beautiful and perfect just as you are.

And in case you need more reminding, I love you!

Memories 1-13

The way you fall asleep, so peaceful. I want to hold onto you forever. You're beautiful.

I Can't, I Won't

I can't fail you, I won't. I'm in tears over everything. Just please start rocking again, I'll try my best to do right by you. I love you so very much!!!

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I love you so much. I love your smell, how soft your hair is, your small hands. I love the way you reach out to hold my fingers, touch my face. I love the way you look up onto my eyes.
Your eyes are filled with wonder, taking in the world each day and learning and growing. You make sounds with your mouth, you coo, you laugh, you smile. Your smile warms my heart every day, your smile lifts me up.

You, my baby boy are a dream come true. This life your father and I hope to give you, filled with support and love, we want the very best for you. Most of all we want you to be happy.
You have been wanted for a long time. It took a decade for you to arrive but you finally did. Now that you're here in our lives we can't imagine life without you.

One day when you're all grown I hope you look back on your life with us and can see how much we loved you. I'm trying to remember every moment but it all is passing by quickly.

Five months you have been with us, your life is just beginning. Oh what a beautiful life it will be.

Forever you hold my heart with your angel siblings, forever your mother, you have my unconditional love.

I love you.
Love, your momma.

Just like a mother would

Worry. It's a condition, a state of being, almost like a disease. It eats away at us and fills our head with doubt and negativity.

After losing our identical twins and gaining a son, our rainbow, I hold onto him a little closer. I figure even if he does want to be held more often than I shouldn't evert complain, in fact I don't.

If only to have a brief moment to visit the bathroom solo and then I'll come back to the busy life of motherhood.

Our son had seemed unset the weather now since yesterday but things seem a little better today. It's frustrating when you're a nursing mother, when the milk doesn't seem to flow as steadily as before. When you fear you're beginning to dry up, a not so irrational concern. But then after some time you feel like things are going to be ok.

I look at our son every day, cherishing every single moment, even the moments when he's screaming or crying. He may have gas or an upset stomach. For now he needs his mother and his father,  for now we can spend this extra time together. For now, this moment, our son is 5 months old. I wonder how much more quickly time will pass by.

No matter the pace, life is right where we dream it to be. Life may be bittersweet because our angels are not with us, but life is good. Just like our son, life is beautiful.

Memories 1-12

Got together as a family and made home made pizzas. Was a fun time and so happy our son spent time with his family. Played pass the baby despite my worry of him being around alot of people, will have to trust or family to be healthy, wash hands and so on.. Favorite part of the day yesterday was watching our son interact with family, to smile, coo and giggle. These moments are what will last a lifetime.

2 days

Successfully cloth diapered for 2 days last week. Back to disposable again for a day and then will try cloth again in a day or two.

5 Months

Can't believe you ate 5 months old already. I'm the luckiest mommy in the world. A decade to have you, infertility, you're angel siblings and here you are; our miracle.

5 Months and my birthday

Today I am 34 years old, it's my birthday as if 3:13pm, and our son's 5 month birthday as of 8:19pm. Oh so wonderful. I have the perfect gift already.

More Memories 1-6

You are reaching out more, especially with your right hand. We did lots of tummy time in the front great room and in your room. Played with your piano, practiced sitting up, all sorts of fun stuff. Showed interest in what I was eating for a second day too.

Memories 1-6

Tummy time today. We need more tummy time. Need to build up those muscles and encourage lots of rolling which will soon be crawling, sitting up on our own and walking. In in no hurry for this year to pass by. Add it is you are already growing up too fast. Cherishing every moment with you.

Memories 1-5

You showed interest in what I was eating for the first time. I was eating a Cliff peanut butter protein bar and you watched so very carefully as I took each bite.

Later you reached out and touched my face, as to examine in with your hand to see how it felt as you looked closely with your eyes.

Wondering if you will be right or left handed or both.

Memories 1-4

The way you laugh is amazing, your smile so big and bright. Your eyes smile with your face, you light right up. I love these moments.

Memories 1-3

I always try to do the best by you, no matter what. Sometimes (who am I kidding?!), more like often I feel like I'm screwing up.

I didn't plan on doing a lot of the things I am and as far as other things, like reading to you every day and every night, I just haven't begun to do that enough.

I hope you are able to appreciate everything I'm trying to do for you, everything we are trying to do for you.

Just want you happy, which you are, and healthy, which you are. We are lucky patents to have you. You are an amazing little boy.

Teething memories

Now that you've become teething with a vengeance I want to remember what some of these days were like. You gnawing on mommy's arm with your gums. Hoping your teeth coming in doesn't ache too much.

Memories, 1-2

I love the way you look into my eyes and hold my fingers with your hands. The way your skin feels so soft, your silly hair, your smiles, oh how I love your smiles. And your giggles and laughs, amazing. You're just so beautiful and wonderful our rainbow baby boy. Cherishing every moment with you. Our first new year with you and next week you'll be five months old. Seems like every day is rushing by quickly, before we know if you'll be a year old and we'll wonder where it all went. Trying to make as many memories as possible. One thing for sure is we have no shortage of photos.