Last night I wrote the beginning of a post titled Empty.
http://thoughtsofanangelmommyfotwa.blogspot.com/2013/08/empty.html
Because that's a feeling many mother's have when they lose all their hopes and dreams for their child or children. I had my moments of screaming in tears, the day that our Apple Marie died and then the next day when our Banana Lee died. It's difficult and heartbreaking enough to have to lose one child but two and on separate days... Just when you feel like there could be hope still all your worst fears happen and you're left with nothing. This is a loss that no parent should ever face.
In the first movie Kill Bill Vol. 1 the first moment that pulled at my heart strings and reminded me of the feelings I had during both moments we were told there was no heart beats, was the hospital scene with Uma Thurman's character, The Bride. She awakes from being in a coma and quickly realizes that there is no baby inside her, a flat stomach with nothing but scars remaining. Her screams in tears, the daughter she was pregnant with was gone, left with nothing. It was difficult for me to watch because I couldn't hold back my own tears, remembering our twins, remembering our loss.
A feeling that no mother should ever feel. This photo captures that moment in all it's harsh, cold and bitter reality that your baby is gone.
In the movie our character The Bride, a trained killer, realizes that she has to get herself out of the hospital and find the person who sent her there, she must seek her revenge. She must KILL Bill.
Our movie continues on and we see her list of people who were responsible for doing this to her. Honestly the rest of the movie doesn't really bother me because it's an action movie and the dramatic scene concluded quickly, but the feeling remained with me through out the rest of the film. The ending arrives and we learn that her daughter isn't dead, but The Bride does not know this. A reason for Kill Bill Vol. 2 to exist.
Kill Bill Vol. 2 begins, I don't really care for the beginning but I do realize they need to help summarize what happened and that The Bride is on her way to kill Bill. Mostly all action again but then you get to the dramatic ending, where she then sees and realizes that her daughter isn't dead, but in fact is alive and well. Surprise doesn't even come close to the emotions you would be feeling if the child you thought was dead was actually alive, you would get to see them and hold them once again.. I began to feel my eyes water.
This is one of the scenes that really got me..
Taken from
http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Unprocessed/Kill_Bill.html
Back against the wall she creeps down the hall to the end.
She pumps the slide, and TURNS THE CORNER - SHOTGUN RAISED -
READY TO FIRE...
WHEN...
EX CU The BRIDE'S EYES - blink once.
EX CU HER FINGER comes off the trigger.
What the Bride sees in front of her is, Bill in a tuxedo,
holding a small, orange squirt gun pointed at her. Standing
next to him is five-year-old little B.B., dressed up in a
very pretty party dress, arm outstretched holding a orange
squirt gun, aimed at The Bride.
The three look at each other for a moment, then Bill says;
BILL
(loudly)
Bang Bang!
Then he suddenly clutches his abdomen like he's just been
shot.
BILL
Oh B.B., Mommy got us.
B.B. lowers her gun and plays out a big dying scene alongside
her dad...Bill falls to the floor.
BILL
Oh, I'm dying...I'm dying...
B.B. parrots this.
B.B.
Oh, I'm dying...I'm dying...
Bill on the floor, says up to his little girl;
BILL
Fall down sweetheart, Mommy shot
you.
The little girl falls down pretend dead.
The Bride, still absentmindedly pointing her weapon at them,
is truly thrown.
Bill delivers his lines from the floor, spoken like a dying
breath;
BILL
You did it Quick Draw Kiddo. You
are-the fastest.
And with these last words, pretends to die.
But then while pretending to be dead, he speaks in a dramatic
narrator's voice.
BILL
But...little did Quick Draw Kiddo
know,...that five-year-old B.B.
Gunn was only playing possum, due
to the fact she was impervious to
bullets.
B.B. raises her head off the floor and says;
B.B.
(to Mommy)
I'm impervious to bullets, Mommy.
BILL
(to B.B.)
Hey, get back down there, you're
playing possum.
The little girl's head drops back down.
Bill continues his dramatic narration;
BILL
So, as the smirking killer
approached, what she thought, was a
bullet-ridden corpse,...that's when
the little B.B. Gunn fired.
B.B. springs up holding her tiny orange squirt gun and says;
B.B.
Bang bang!
The Bride continues watching in gobsmackery.
Bill raises his head off the floor, and says to her in his
normal voice;
BILL
Mommy, you're dead - so die.
The Bride shakes off her confusion, and acts out a big death
scene fo her little girl.
THE BRIDE
Oh, B.B., you got me. I should have
known, you are the best.
She falls to the floor and pretends to die.
The little girl in her party dress, runs over to the big girl
in her wedding dress, and kneels over her mommy.
Mommy opens her eyes.
B.B.
Don't die Mommy, I was just
playing.
From the floor, looking up at her daughter, she speaks to her
for the first time.
MOMMY
I know baby.
They embrace each other.
B.B.
I waited a long time for you to
wake up, Mommy. Did you dream of me
- I dreamed of you?
The female killer says to her daughter as mommieness begins
to creep into her voice;
THE BRIDE
Every single night, baby.
She holds her daughter out at arm's length to get a better
look at her.
THE BRIDE
Now let me look at you. My my my...
What a pretty girl you are.
B.B.
You're pretty too, Mommy.
B.B. starts stroking her mother's long blonde hair.
THE BRIDE
Thank you.
All of a sudden, Bill has joined them on the floor.
BILL
When I showed you Mommy's picture,
tell Mommy what you said.
The little girl gets shy.
BILL
C'mon shy girl, you know what you
said, tell Mommy, it'll make her
fell good.
As she strokes her long blonde hair, little B.B. says;
B.B.
I said - I said - You're the most
beautiful woman I ever saw in the
whole white world.
BILL
That's the truth. That's what she
said.
If I only had that chance to have another moment with our twins.. but that moment will never happen, not yet, not for a long time. I miss them so much!
I wanted to have those couch potato days on occasion with our girls, cuddle together and watch a movie together. All the moments I had been dreaming of for years and because I lost our twins everything was taken. Everything we both dreamed of and ever wanted, gone forever in an instant.
The movie concludes that The Bride / Beatrix Kiddo, is able to finally have her revenge after revealing why she left him, no thanks to a truth serum Bill shot her with. Beatrix's training paid off with the five point palm exploding heart technique. You take five steps and then you fall down dead.
Afterwards Beatrix leaves with her daughter BB, they are in a hotel and BB is watching tv. The emotional release Beatrix has at the end of the movie is powerful. It pulled at my heart strings again, I couldn't help it. Away from the violence but no idea what will happen next, all we know is that mother and daughter are reunited and together, as it should be.. The End.
I want so much to have that moment, to hold our daughters once again... I know our girls were going to grow up to be gorgeous women because they already were beautiful and not even 19 weeks yet.
I'm just not the same person now that we are parents to angels. I couldn't ever be that old person again because I have been changed forever. Movies like this that should be entertainment and action aren't as easy to watch with moments such as these. I dream of being a mother to a living child and children. Those who are able to have that should thank their lucky stars and not complain. I would do anything to have our girl's back and anything to have another child. Until that day arrives there is a part of me that is dark, hollow, hurting, aching, crying, dreaming, hopeful and empty.
