Nine Months... and Uncertainty

I just don't know anymore. I don't know what will happen and I don't know what the future holds for us as parents. This uncertainty is unwelcome and unwanted. I wish that we knew what to do and when the best time would be for things to happen but that's just not the way the world works. 

So life continues with this same flow as it has had now for the past nine months. That's right... It was nine months ago our daughters lives held in the hands of the laser surgery successfully working or failing. Nine months ago when I woke up early, scrubbed my entire body with this antibacterial soap to prep for surgery. The doctor would put all three of us to sleep and hours later wake us all back up again. No wonder my heart is so incredibly heavy. 

Life as we know it. Quickly can be taken away from us in a moment. No way of telling the length of that moment either. 

Much to do to distract myself but I need to give myself time to grieve too. 

While through it all I still hope among hopes that any month we could be pregnant with another. 

I know our hearts are actively mourning, grieving and healing, but nothing will help us heal more than the future of another child or children. 

We need something to look forward to. We need something to plan for.

We need you little baby. Please tell your twin sisters that it's ok, that mommy and daddy love them so so much forever and ever, and that we are ready to be parents again. 

I love you Apple and Nana!!! <3