The Aching Heart

Sometimes your heart hurts so very much you feel the pain is too much to bear. That feeling is because of the love you hold in your heart. At times it may feel like you're breaking apart, worry not as the scar will hold you together. You miss them, they are not here to hold near you. You are not alone. On the wings of butterflies, through snow flake kisses, from the rain drop tears, a beautiful rainbow, a sparkle in the night's star lit sky; they will send you their sign. 

This message is for all of us who have, are and will feel this pain. It took time to realize why my heart must ache so. It may hurt but when it does I'm reminded of how much love I hold inside. Our children are no longer with us, but because they remain in our hearts they will live on forever. 

Held and loved all their life, our beautiful, identical twin daughters Apple Marie and Banana Lee. Their memory lives on, everything I do is for them. To live and continue forward, I live for you because you babies can not. Your lives and memory will forever be remembered. 

Today remembering and missing our twins. They made me a mother. Just hoping we are blessed with our rainbow because I have so much love to give. This may be what heals my heart and helps me right now but I feel my true calling in this life is to be a mother. To have that moment taken too soon and to wait that much longer, it is unfair and bittersweet. I long to have what so many have. A baby, that is what we always have dreamed of. There is no questioning if they are wanted. 

Someday it will happen. One way or another. Much love to you all! 

I Do Have Feelings, Facebook Thoughts..

My heart does hurt inside when I'm misunderstood or assumed to be something I'm not. What I am now these days is honest, thoughtful, truthful, mindful, and most importantly aware. I try always to live a true life and not use false speech.

On facebook I've been assumed to be a few things most recently.. It bothers me but there isn't much I can do about it.

What is frustrating is that the organization I highly support banned me apparently over a personal conversation about something we just couldn't agree to disagree on. My last message was never replied to but apparently I was banned from their charity page as so I can't have an opinion or share my support any longer.

I still like their page, my page still likes their page, but if anyone ever sees or replies to this; should I still support them after being banned over a disagreement?

I would never do that to anyone, nor would ever say anything hurtful publicly, especially using their name or facebook page. That is not how I roll and if they assume I would go after them and try to publicly out or hurt them then it turns out they don't know me at all.

Warning others about bad vendors or fake angel mommies or fake angel groups or pages is one thing, but to just go after a person or page just because I don't like them.. I'm not about that. I don't appreciate being assumed to be something I am not.

One Day, You

'One Day, You'

One day
Hopefully sooner than later
Our dreams will come true
Finally you'll enter our lives
We'll have a future

Some day
Wanting it now and not never
Wishes and I love you's
Singing you lullabies
When you're living inside of the womb

Sweet, precious baby
Please make our hearts brighten from the blues
Beautiful, rainbow baby
You're just a fantasy right now while we hope for you
Moving forward, the past a memory, we dream for you

One day, there will be you.

Written by Evelyn Schwenke (c) Thursday, September 5th 2013

Random Thoughts and Poetry

So many emotions trapped inside
Wondering, waiting, eating me alive
I wish and dream but no surprise
That future left, it's gone and died



Just no idea what the future holds but what I do know is that the future for our twins left almost nine months ago. Difficult to imagine it was that long ago and at this rate we may have a three or four month old or olds..

I think about our daughter Banana Lee and if the surgery for their TTTS had been successful would we had known to watch one child grow up, or would both children of had a chance.

Once our Apple Marie passed away Nana was all we had and we didn't want to let go of her. I should have known something wasn't right.. She wasn't moving around and showing off for the ultrasounds.

Perhaps when there was trouble that's when the fun stopped. The girls were so close together, head to head and it is almost like Nana was reaching out to Apple and speaking her name while pointing with her last breath, "I'm coming sister..", and then she left too...

The images of our babies will always be in my heart and my memory. Looked so much like their daddy with their mommy's jawline. I still try to imagine what our beautiful daughter's would have looked like fully grown, but my mind won't let me see it.

I dream of our rainbow baby but worried about the future. I need a future with little to no stress, to relax, and once it all happens, positivity.

That's all I can think to write tonight. Forever hopeful.

Wonder

Sometimes I just wonder...

Honestly that's about all I have to say.

Heading to bed after a long day and what will inevitably be a long week. Lots to do.

I Dream Of You

'I Dream Of You'

I dream of you
Sweet little girls
Are you in heaven twirling your curls?

Though time was short
Your lives so brief
Are you with Buddha?
Do you have enlightenment and peace?

I wonder if you've been reborn
Will we meet again?
Some day I'm sure

At times my heart breaks inside
Because you passed away, you died
Selfish, I didn't want to let go
Those moments, so cherished, so missed, so loved

Who knows where you are or where you will be
All I know is that you hold my heart and the key
You unlocked so much love I didn't know I had inside
That's why it was so hard to say goodbye

Forever and ever you'll be in our hearts
Loving you always, never to part


Written by Evelyn Schwenke (c) Tuesday, September 3rd 2013

Unknowing This Future

Unknowing this future. So many memories of our twins from last year and have no idea what is ahead of us. Hopeful for our rainbow baby, the child you have after loss and that our year next year will have a happier ending. <3