Sunday, March 16, 2014
Here We Are, 19 weeks..
I can not believe it, again! We've made it this far.. Today we are 19 weeks and 2 days with our rainbow baby. I want us to make it through week 20 because then I'll feel a little better but I know that the further we get the better. So my focus is on every single day but looking at week 24 and 25 as a goal and every single week after. Come on little baby, grow and be healthy!!!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Don't Judge Me
Something happens in your life and people are different around you, intentional or not. Some people will stick by your side and it won't matter what you've gone through, to them you are the exact same person you were before, those are the keepers.
Perhaps my feelings and how I view the world center around how I was raised or perhaps it centers around my experiences, it could be a little of both. Whatever it is I have been shaped by everything that has come into contact with my life and how other perceive me, even if I act as it doesn't bother me, matters.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
When I was younger and in with the wrong crowd (of which I was unaware they were that at the time), I sometimes had a flare for the dramatic. This all of course was a side effect from being rebellious, a growing preteen into a full blooded teenager.. Later in life some of my "friends" wouldn't take me seriously because I was just being "a drama queen", so I rolled with it. Why fight what other people say of you? Just embrace it, move forward and make it be a little joke even if it hurts inside.
Years later once I was an adult I was finally able to break free of feeling like I needed to be a part of something. I didn't belong, I was their handbag so to speak, I deserved better than that. What my group of "friends" had become were not what I needed, not what I wanted and not something that was good for me at all.
Now seven years later I look back and wonder why I didn't make better choices when I was younger. People still judge me to this day because of what they have been told, heard or what has rumored around about myself from "friends" I used to know. It hurts to believe someone you trusted could cause so much harm while calling you friend, knowing that person's words were trusted and taken as fact over your own. Some people just never grow up.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
It's not just people who are close to you who can damage you, cause you not to be able to believe in yourself, professionals such as doctors do it too. About fourteen years ago I met a wonderful man, romance was in the air and a young age got married after dating for about two years. That alone had people judging us but that is not what this story is about, it is about what happened after the I Do's.
It was two years after my husband and I were married we began trying to have a family and ran into a lot of speed bumps. My period had disappeared, diagnosed with having PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), other factors came into fact and our journey into parenthood was going to be quite the adventure. But through it all years later we finally were in a better place or so we thought, went to a specialist to help us conceive and hope all our efforts would work.
Given medications and an injection to help stimulate ovulation the next month my period had not returned, it had been regular now for at least a year. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test all negative but I was feeling different and my breasts were the first to feel the side effect of whatever was happening in my body. Finally the following month arrived and I began to have one of the worst experiences, I didn't want to believe it at the time but I was pregnant and the baby was being miscarried. I called the doctors office and they felt after my description of what was happening that it was just clots and couldn't be a loss, but if I wanted to I could bring in what I had saved after the weekend, examine things and run some blood work. I spoke to the office again one more time and was basically told it couldn't of been a loss as it was extremely doubtful based on my condition having PCOS that I could of been pregnant in the first place.
I wanted to give up, against everything I felt in my gut I convinced myself the doctors must be correct and that I was wrong. Next came a burial at sea and I let my "late period" ride itself out, took longer than usual and was much more painful which also was upsetting to me and reason to call the doctors office in the first place before the "clot" happened.
The palm of my hand, the size of this little object, years later after speaking with women who had been through loss and through my own research I know this was a baby. A miracle and our only naturally conceived pregnancy that never showed up positive on a test because something was wrong, before we knew what we had we lost everything. That doctors office I was a part of didn't take me seriously, didn't listen to me and didn't believe me so I didn't want to believe myself. I was judged and because of that never saw medical attention when in fact it may of helped answer many questions. I now know this doctors office wrote down a memo from a call that never happened in January once I followed up with them in February, perhaps it was a typo in their computer for the date, stating I wasn't pregnant.. All I know is that medically I can not prove what happened but I know in my heart and my mind it was all true. I now am in a place that is good for me and for the first time in a long time feel valued, I can trust them and that is comforting.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
I've experienced the judgmental words of people who I've worked with, strangers, family and friends. When I went through a major spinal surgery and the neurosurgeon left me disabled afterwards, people assumed that I could or couldn't do things but I proved them wrong and have continued to keep going. Losing a part of yourself big or small, an ability that so many take for granted and learning how to train your body all over again just so you can do something so simple as walking.. This is a big deal to the person experiencing everything but some of those around you will judge you, it can become discouraging.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Over two years ago my husband and I were expecting identical twin daughters. It had indeed been a roller coaster and after everything we had experienced finally invested our time and money into IVF (in vitro fertilization). This pregnancy did not come without it's complications and I was high risk the entire time. The office of doctors we went to left us in the dark about their concerns as to "not worry us until it became an issue". Oh how I regret not looking for another doctors office earlier but my insurance would only let me do so much at the time. Passed around from doctor to doctor and when we finally felt we could relax we were told something concerning, we needed to see a specialist because it looked as though our twins had developed TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome).
Of course there was no good news about what had developed over the course of 17 weeks. By our 18th week we had experience a laser surgery to separate the connecting blood vessels in the twins shared placenta because they had developed and had life threatening TTTS. Experienced while in the hospital had reactions to magnesium, had daily contractions, felt a days worth of kicks with each after knowing several quarts of fluid had also been drained to help with "discomfort" (of which I had none but who asked me..). Experienced a scare, our first loss, and ultimately after a horrible night with a bad reaction to a medication that was supposed to help with contractions (thanks teaching hospital), and while having no contractions at all so to speak since that prior morning; the next morning had another loss. Our world was shattered. It would not be until 18 days later our twins would be born as angels.
But this isn't necessarily about our loss and what happened, this is about how people judged afterwards.
Some were empathetic and upon beginning to share stories about our twins and what happened others opened up, let us know that we were not alone and not the only to experience a loss. Others were not so comforting in their words. I know now that some did or were trying to mean well but it did not come off as such at the time, in fact some of these words still hurt my heart to this day.
Here are some examples of what we heard from others after losing our identical twin daughters.
"It was God's way",
"Your twins were needed somewhere else",
"Next time will be the right time",
"They are in a better place",
"It just wasn't the right time",
"Because there were two of them they didn't stand a chance",
"One day you'll be a great mother",
"I miss the old you",
"You should just do something to take your mind off it",
"How long are you going to grieve..?",
"You weren't that far along",
"At least you weren't full term",
"They were still so little",
"You just need to stop trying and it will happen",
"Better luck next time",
"Karma.."
Karma? What did karma have to do with it? If karma was it then what hellish thing did I do in another lifetime to deserve the deaths of our twin daughters? What did I do to deserve the loss of our first child? What did I do in the past that I had to watch so many others have children that they didn't want nor treat well, while I could not seem to have any? Karma is not it even if I believe in karma, karma would not do this to a person who wants to be a mother.
We heard comforting words too and those who were just there for us, those who said "I'm sorry" and gave their condolences, those who allowed us to grieve how we wanted to, no matter the way of mourning or time frame. Those were the people who I appreciated and after a year of support from others I've met who've experienced loss, a loss like no other. These people and others who were there before, during and after our loss support us now at times when we need it most.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Fast forward to the present moment and we are just now 19 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, the child you have after a loss. "And after a storm came a rainbow." I know so much more than before. I have come to peace as best I can with my past and acknowledge all our children who are precious angels not here on earth. This little miracle of ours was conceived through IVF but transferred after being frozen, a much gentler procedure and I have not had the high risk pregnancy like I had with our twins with this baby.
Of course the unfiltered advice, words and comments still come with the territory because "I'll understand things better once I'm a mom", oh how I've grown tired of that line. Like I've haven't had experience with children at all apparently and I need to have this advice I'm about to be told. I've received advice about parenting for the past 20 years it seems, the past 13.5 of it since I've been in a long term relationship, married, a mother to angels and now an expecting mother to be again. I've been a part of so many lives and although I've never raised my own child who was born living on earth, I am still a mother. I also do know a thing or two about raising babies and children.
Some words do not bother me and in fact much parenting advice is welcomed. I just don't want people to judge me from my past and feel I can not do a good job as a parent in my present.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Here I am.. "Judge less ye be judged" or so they say in books like the bible. Ever since our trying to conceive journey began and our struggle I too have become that judgmental person and anyone who says they don't judge others is lying. Perhaps we are not verbal about what we say but we think it. Better to be honest with oneself and realize that you are not perfect than try to be perfect and act above everyone else.
I am not perfect and I will happily take who I am over who I used to be. Yes experiences in my life have shaped me and yes I may judge; but I also try to breathe, think about others and how my words and actions effect those around me.
"Do not judge my path unless you have walked in my shoes" or however that saying goes. All I want now is for our happy beginning. It is within our reach and I dream of it every single day. I do what I can to be the best version of myself, even if I have an off day I try. This is just a part of who I am, please do not judge me.
Perhaps my feelings and how I view the world center around how I was raised or perhaps it centers around my experiences, it could be a little of both. Whatever it is I have been shaped by everything that has come into contact with my life and how other perceive me, even if I act as it doesn't bother me, matters.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
When I was younger and in with the wrong crowd (of which I was unaware they were that at the time), I sometimes had a flare for the dramatic. This all of course was a side effect from being rebellious, a growing preteen into a full blooded teenager.. Later in life some of my "friends" wouldn't take me seriously because I was just being "a drama queen", so I rolled with it. Why fight what other people say of you? Just embrace it, move forward and make it be a little joke even if it hurts inside.
Years later once I was an adult I was finally able to break free of feeling like I needed to be a part of something. I didn't belong, I was their handbag so to speak, I deserved better than that. What my group of "friends" had become were not what I needed, not what I wanted and not something that was good for me at all.
Now seven years later I look back and wonder why I didn't make better choices when I was younger. People still judge me to this day because of what they have been told, heard or what has rumored around about myself from "friends" I used to know. It hurts to believe someone you trusted could cause so much harm while calling you friend, knowing that person's words were trusted and taken as fact over your own. Some people just never grow up.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
It's not just people who are close to you who can damage you, cause you not to be able to believe in yourself, professionals such as doctors do it too. About fourteen years ago I met a wonderful man, romance was in the air and a young age got married after dating for about two years. That alone had people judging us but that is not what this story is about, it is about what happened after the I Do's.
It was two years after my husband and I were married we began trying to have a family and ran into a lot of speed bumps. My period had disappeared, diagnosed with having PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), other factors came into fact and our journey into parenthood was going to be quite the adventure. But through it all years later we finally were in a better place or so we thought, went to a specialist to help us conceive and hope all our efforts would work.
Given medications and an injection to help stimulate ovulation the next month my period had not returned, it had been regular now for at least a year. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test all negative but I was feeling different and my breasts were the first to feel the side effect of whatever was happening in my body. Finally the following month arrived and I began to have one of the worst experiences, I didn't want to believe it at the time but I was pregnant and the baby was being miscarried. I called the doctors office and they felt after my description of what was happening that it was just clots and couldn't be a loss, but if I wanted to I could bring in what I had saved after the weekend, examine things and run some blood work. I spoke to the office again one more time and was basically told it couldn't of been a loss as it was extremely doubtful based on my condition having PCOS that I could of been pregnant in the first place.
I wanted to give up, against everything I felt in my gut I convinced myself the doctors must be correct and that I was wrong. Next came a burial at sea and I let my "late period" ride itself out, took longer than usual and was much more painful which also was upsetting to me and reason to call the doctors office in the first place before the "clot" happened.
The palm of my hand, the size of this little object, years later after speaking with women who had been through loss and through my own research I know this was a baby. A miracle and our only naturally conceived pregnancy that never showed up positive on a test because something was wrong, before we knew what we had we lost everything. That doctors office I was a part of didn't take me seriously, didn't listen to me and didn't believe me so I didn't want to believe myself. I was judged and because of that never saw medical attention when in fact it may of helped answer many questions. I now know this doctors office wrote down a memo from a call that never happened in January once I followed up with them in February, perhaps it was a typo in their computer for the date, stating I wasn't pregnant.. All I know is that medically I can not prove what happened but I know in my heart and my mind it was all true. I now am in a place that is good for me and for the first time in a long time feel valued, I can trust them and that is comforting.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
I've experienced the judgmental words of people who I've worked with, strangers, family and friends. When I went through a major spinal surgery and the neurosurgeon left me disabled afterwards, people assumed that I could or couldn't do things but I proved them wrong and have continued to keep going. Losing a part of yourself big or small, an ability that so many take for granted and learning how to train your body all over again just so you can do something so simple as walking.. This is a big deal to the person experiencing everything but some of those around you will judge you, it can become discouraging.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Over two years ago my husband and I were expecting identical twin daughters. It had indeed been a roller coaster and after everything we had experienced finally invested our time and money into IVF (in vitro fertilization). This pregnancy did not come without it's complications and I was high risk the entire time. The office of doctors we went to left us in the dark about their concerns as to "not worry us until it became an issue". Oh how I regret not looking for another doctors office earlier but my insurance would only let me do so much at the time. Passed around from doctor to doctor and when we finally felt we could relax we were told something concerning, we needed to see a specialist because it looked as though our twins had developed TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome).
Of course there was no good news about what had developed over the course of 17 weeks. By our 18th week we had experience a laser surgery to separate the connecting blood vessels in the twins shared placenta because they had developed and had life threatening TTTS. Experienced while in the hospital had reactions to magnesium, had daily contractions, felt a days worth of kicks with each after knowing several quarts of fluid had also been drained to help with "discomfort" (of which I had none but who asked me..). Experienced a scare, our first loss, and ultimately after a horrible night with a bad reaction to a medication that was supposed to help with contractions (thanks teaching hospital), and while having no contractions at all so to speak since that prior morning; the next morning had another loss. Our world was shattered. It would not be until 18 days later our twins would be born as angels.
But this isn't necessarily about our loss and what happened, this is about how people judged afterwards.
Some were empathetic and upon beginning to share stories about our twins and what happened others opened up, let us know that we were not alone and not the only to experience a loss. Others were not so comforting in their words. I know now that some did or were trying to mean well but it did not come off as such at the time, in fact some of these words still hurt my heart to this day.
Here are some examples of what we heard from others after losing our identical twin daughters.
"It was God's way",
"Your twins were needed somewhere else",
"Next time will be the right time",
"They are in a better place",
"It just wasn't the right time",
"Because there were two of them they didn't stand a chance",
"One day you'll be a great mother",
"I miss the old you",
"You should just do something to take your mind off it",
"How long are you going to grieve..?",
"You weren't that far along",
"At least you weren't full term",
"They were still so little",
"You just need to stop trying and it will happen",
"Better luck next time",
"Karma.."
Karma? What did karma have to do with it? If karma was it then what hellish thing did I do in another lifetime to deserve the deaths of our twin daughters? What did I do to deserve the loss of our first child? What did I do in the past that I had to watch so many others have children that they didn't want nor treat well, while I could not seem to have any? Karma is not it even if I believe in karma, karma would not do this to a person who wants to be a mother.
We heard comforting words too and those who were just there for us, those who said "I'm sorry" and gave their condolences, those who allowed us to grieve how we wanted to, no matter the way of mourning or time frame. Those were the people who I appreciated and after a year of support from others I've met who've experienced loss, a loss like no other. These people and others who were there before, during and after our loss support us now at times when we need it most.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Fast forward to the present moment and we are just now 19 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, the child you have after a loss. "And after a storm came a rainbow." I know so much more than before. I have come to peace as best I can with my past and acknowledge all our children who are precious angels not here on earth. This little miracle of ours was conceived through IVF but transferred after being frozen, a much gentler procedure and I have not had the high risk pregnancy like I had with our twins with this baby.
Of course the unfiltered advice, words and comments still come with the territory because "I'll understand things better once I'm a mom", oh how I've grown tired of that line. Like I've haven't had experience with children at all apparently and I need to have this advice I'm about to be told. I've received advice about parenting for the past 20 years it seems, the past 13.5 of it since I've been in a long term relationship, married, a mother to angels and now an expecting mother to be again. I've been a part of so many lives and although I've never raised my own child who was born living on earth, I am still a mother. I also do know a thing or two about raising babies and children.
Some words do not bother me and in fact much parenting advice is welcomed. I just don't want people to judge me from my past and feel I can not do a good job as a parent in my present.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Here I am.. "Judge less ye be judged" or so they say in books like the bible. Ever since our trying to conceive journey began and our struggle I too have become that judgmental person and anyone who says they don't judge others is lying. Perhaps we are not verbal about what we say but we think it. Better to be honest with oneself and realize that you are not perfect than try to be perfect and act above everyone else.
I am not perfect and I will happily take who I am over who I used to be. Yes experiences in my life have shaped me and yes I may judge; but I also try to breathe, think about others and how my words and actions effect those around me.
"Do not judge my path unless you have walked in my shoes" or however that saying goes. All I want now is for our happy beginning. It is within our reach and I dream of it every single day. I do what I can to be the best version of myself, even if I have an off day I try. This is just a part of who I am, please do not judge me.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
For Your Health and Mine
Took my first big walk around the neighborhood today with my husband. Not quite a mile but a good distance. By the time we reached the top of our climb I was very tired, technically before we even reached it but I kept going. By the time I neared the house I began having those cramps around my abdomen as well as my back. Now relaxing having taken some ibuprofen.
The idea of me doing anything that could harm our pregnancy and this rainbow baby scares me but I'm trying to stay as physically fit for once baby arrives. Hopefully no more cramps soon and my body calms down. Learned that round ligament pains are contractions.. :/ That was not what I wanted to hear at my last appointment so taking the doctors advice when I feel them so my body doesn't stress too much. Plan to do more yoga in between days I can't get out of the house and walk. At least spring is nearing and of every day is like today then that's fine with me.
Day By Day
On to a new adventure of sorts. This is something I've never experienced and taking it day by day. Speaking of days today is day 6 of our 18th week and tomorrow we will reach week 19. I thought I would be more emotional about it but perhaps I'm just saving my tears for the gender reveal party in about a week.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Made It Through
I never believed this day would really arrive. Well perhaps I did but there was a part of myself afraid, worried and felt it couldn't celebrate until we were past the two days with the twins. But here we are at 18 weeks 5 days and we've made it, still continuing forward and with the goal in the distance. I have hope now and going to try my best to remain positive and avoid stress.
So Here We Are
So here we are. Week 18 and 5 days. Morning of our big ultrasound and all I have so far is no kicks, thought I had heartburn for a moment but that quickly passed, and a slight headache. Just will have to stay positive and hope everything is and will be ok.
Yes people keep reminding me that this is a singleton pregnancy and different from multiples,.. But honestly that doesn't matter as I'll still have worry and anxiety until the big day arrives. Apparently all parents experience these feelings if they've had a prior loss, especially as far along as we were.
The only reason I didn't use our Doppler yesterday was baby kicks. Been so muddled all the time that it took me by surprise when one super kick happened last night while sitting on the couch with my husband watching a tv show.
Have so many dreams for the future and miss our twins so very much. Wish we would have has more time with them. Isn't that what every parent wants? What I will do is make our rainbow baby's life as wonderful as possible. All those moments I wanted us to have with the twins will go to our rainbow. All I ask often is for baby to just keep growing! Wonder how big we will be today.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Reality VS Wishes
Sometimes I wish I lived in a world where I could just hide from the truth, act like it all never happened and just continue forward like the baby we are carrying is our first. But I can not lie to myself and I feel that is being dishonest to our children too, although they are angels they were all still alive once.
I have only said yes a few times in reply to someone who asks, "Is this your first?" I only reply yes to those who I feel will not understand when or if I say yes, our first earthly child.
What am I afraid of? I've been so open about our angels that there should be no fear in speaking what is in my heart. I've come this far, I need to keep going.
I promise you our dear angel babies to speak of you and when the situation arises I will be braver than before. I will not let your memories go forgotten, your lives although short are just as important as everyone else. It is other people who have a problem with the subject of fetal/infant and child death, not your momma.
All our children have been a part of me and for that I'm blessed, I just wish all our children had made it to term and beyond. We have so many hopes and dreams for our current baby, our snowflake rainbow due in August. Want to stay as positive, stress free and hopeful as possible for the best outcome!
I have only said yes a few times in reply to someone who asks, "Is this your first?" I only reply yes to those who I feel will not understand when or if I say yes, our first earthly child.
What am I afraid of? I've been so open about our angels that there should be no fear in speaking what is in my heart. I've come this far, I need to keep going.
I promise you our dear angel babies to speak of you and when the situation arises I will be braver than before. I will not let your memories go forgotten, your lives although short are just as important as everyone else. It is other people who have a problem with the subject of fetal/infant and child death, not your momma.
All our children have been a part of me and for that I'm blessed, I just wish all our children had made it to term and beyond. We have so many hopes and dreams for our current baby, our snowflake rainbow due in August. Want to stay as positive, stress free and hopeful as possible for the best outcome!
18 weeks 3&4 days with our Rainbow
We have now been with our rainbow baby for 18 weeks 3&4 days, the same time frame we reached with our identical daughters we lost to TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome). My heart aches for our babies, for all our babies. We wanted so much for all our children and our rainbow may be the first to make it to the home stretch, we dream of a life with our child and to help raise them to be a wonderful individual.
I haven't used the doppler yet today although I want to, waiting, no idea why I'm waiting. I want both of us to hear those heartbeats tonight before our big appointment tomorrow at the doctors office. I need our hearts not to break and to feel light, hope, excitement for our rainbow baby.
Tomorrow will be a day we've never had before and how my emotions have been I surely will shed several tears. Tomorrow will be 18 weeks and 5 days... Venturing into the beyond and hoping for the best outcome and a life of memories together with our rainbow baby.
I haven't used the doppler yet today although I want to, waiting, no idea why I'm waiting. I want both of us to hear those heartbeats tonight before our big appointment tomorrow at the doctors office. I need our hearts not to break and to feel light, hope, excitement for our rainbow baby.
Tomorrow will be a day we've never had before and how my emotions have been I surely will shed several tears. Tomorrow will be 18 weeks and 5 days... Venturing into the beyond and hoping for the best outcome and a life of memories together with our rainbow baby.
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