2015 Secret Santa Name Keepsakes

Because our Name Keepsake Giveaway did not have a lot of requests we will be making these as keepsakes instead. I can guarantee something for at least the first 26 families.

To request a keepsake please reply to this post if you would like a butterfly or loveable critter for your angel(s) and reply if you have an angel that is a boy, girl or both. 

The first 10 to request a loveable critter will get one guaranteed. Here is the surprise, you will not know what you are getting, similar to Secret Santa gift giving.

Going to spread some joy around this holiday.

Will leave this offer up until December 5th. Offer available to USA only at this time.

Please share the love, be sure to visit our Facebook page in memory if our identical twin daughters who passed away from TTTS, like our page and share this keepsake offer. www.facebook.com/FruitOfTheWombAngels

May the holidays be gentle, peaceful and filled will love.

Name Keepsake Giveaway

Name Keepsake Giveaway

I wanted to have this giveaway for awhile now. I plan on writing angel names on these little animal figures and butterflies. These keepsakes will be finished and sent out before Christmas after our drawing.

To enter: please visit our Facebook page www.facebook.com/FruitOfTheWombAngels and like the page and our giveaway post, feel free to share the giveaway and comment on the blog post.

Comment on this blog post to enter.

Giveaway will end on 11/21/2015 and winners announced on 11/22/2015.

Thank you for supporting Fruit Of The Womb Angels!

Our Son and RAINBOWS

Our son can grow up to marry a man, a woman, a transvestite or transsexual from transylvania. I don't care so long as he's happy.

Love is love.

This Morning, nursing

As you nurse this morning I think to myself "just still be breastfeeding while we are on vacation" because I feel it will be easier to soothe you when you're upset, or overwhelmed, or if you're not feeling well.

Teething and Nursing

One of these days, probably sooner than later, our nursing journey will have concluded and our baby won't need me for nurishment anymore. With the introduction of solid foods and an appetite like I've never seen it's only a matter of time.

It's bittersweet. I wish we could have gotten off to a better start. I wish I would have pushed harder for things I wanted or didn't want us to do. I wish so many things. It's frustrating. But here we are and I'm making the best of it or at least trying to.

It's about feeding your baby and sometimes you have to supplement and that's ok. Although I'll admit it hurts my heart every formula bottle we have to give.

Teething

It's official, 4 teeth are coming in at the same time, top and bottom front teeth. It looks like the top right beside the front two could be getting ready to come in too. The past week and especially past four days have been extremely busy, except for today. Then include teeth cutting and it's not as fun to be out of the house, but we do our best.

Officially A Crawler

It was after your Chiropractic appointment two weeks ago that you seemed loose enough to finally get up and go. And all last week you were crawling like crazy. You love pulling yourself up to a standing position but don't seem to like sitting very much.

You turned 9 months old on the 7th. Today is your 9 month check up to see how you're doing at the pediatrician's office, no shots today so hopefully a happy visit.

Growing up so quickly. Before we know it you'll be 1 year old. Had better start planning for your first birthday.

A Decade Later, Infertility Awareness Week

I remember the late nights worrying that I would never be a mother. I always felt like one in my heart, I had been a babysitter for years and around little ones since I was a teenager. The joys of being an aunt to my friend's kids just wasn't the same, my husband and I wanted our own.

We thought about adoption, who wouldn't after all the struggle? It's common to have adoption suggested to a couple who is trying and having difficulty. It's also an unfortunate and often hurtful suggestion. Adoption isn't that easy and if it was a lot more children would have homes to go to, to homes where infertile couples who want a child can give a child a family.

After years of being told many things, being overweight, cycles no where to be found then constantly irregular. Finally everything falls into place, healthy diet, weight lost but still no baby, infertility is a cruel joke that no one is laughing at.

A common thing to do after all exhausted methods to have a child is IUI or IVF. Tests showed at the time we may not benefit from IUI so forward we went and IVF it was.

Years prior with monitoring and an injection there was an early loss but swept under the rug, denial about it ever happening. We never imagined we were about to experience the worst loss possible.

We conceived after our first IVF and were having identical twin daughters. They quickly developed TTTS, a syndrome where one baby becomes larger than the other, deprivation of much needed nutrients. If left untreated it is fatal. Opting for surgery to save their lives we proceeded forward.

It was too late, even though the surgery seemed successful lasering apart connected blood vessels, both girls died in womb. The worst loss imaginable. We felt broken.

Infertility snuck up on us after our loss, we tried unsuccessfully and decided to transfer our frozen babies from our original IVF. This would be our last chance before having to start all over again. This time would be different, we had to believe.

One decade from when we began trying for our family we became parents to a healthy baby boy. He is now 8 months old and thriving, we feel like the luckiest parents to have him in our lives.

Even though we have our rainbow son and our beautiful angel babies, we are still a couple who will struggle with infertility.  I am 1 in 8. This week is about awareness, showing that you are not alone, and hope is out there. Had I given up hope we would not of had our twins and would not have our son.

Much love and hugs to all who struggle, who dream to have a family, you are not alone. It's about awareness and education. Hoping you all get your happy beginnings.

Memories, April 2015

I keep telling myself that it doesn't take much time to do, to sit down and write a small something in the blog each day but life escapes me. The busy mommy life with an eight month old baby, the life I never imagined I would have after everything we went through the past decade.

So here we are, our son is rolling all over the floor chatting away, loudly, and playing with one of his toys. He isn't crawling officially as of yet or sitting up, he prefers to stand and likes moving his legs. We think there is a chance that he'll just pull himself up soon and go straight to running, wouldn't that be something?!

What's happened over the past month,.. Our son has his first tooth, broke through a few Friday's ago and he has also had his first viral cold. We've transitioned to cloth diapering and once I stock up on a few more all in one diapers I will be planning to cloth full time at home and until fully comfortable will still carry disposable diapers. I have two boxes of size 3 diapers that go up to about 22 lbs I believe, who knows if we will manage to use them all. Although considering using them for our upcoming vaca in a few months, may be easier than washing or using disposable inserts for cloth covers.

Our son likes to babble constantly, mama, dada, baba, hey-ya, e-ba, bubu, wowuh, hi, hehe, mmmha. No officially words that we've counted as of yet however he does seem to say mama the most frequently, probably because his mama is with him the most.

His baby book is filled out a little more with the what happened the day you were born section. Have begun to baby proof the house, it's only a matter of time that our son is crawling, walking, running and trying to climb everywhere.

I really enjoy our days together, even if all we do is stay home, play, practice crawling, sitting up and breastfeed. These moments are a blip of time in the long run.

Wishes For You

I wish so much for you baby boy. I wish that growing up want so hard, that patina of any kind wouldn't exist or that I could live that pain for you. Perhaps it is a learning lesson...

Watching you sleep and snore after falling asleep again. I know someday bed time will get easier. In the meantime I'm happy you need me, it won't be for forever but for now it's good enough.

Flashing Lights

Baby boy, you live to party. We are all still so tired from getting up early yesterday and driving out to a wedding. One the reception arrived and the music began you were bouncing and dancing, staring at the lights and hopefully the music want too loud. After the wedding we managed to be able to go to two stores, usually can't do that for as long as we were out. By the time we arrived home it was time to feed you and I looked at the clock, it was 12 hours later from when the day began. A long, but fun family day together.

7 Months

You turned 7 months old on Saturday. It's hard to believe but the time has passed by so quickly. I still need to finish updating your baby book, yep that's right, I wish I had more time but I like to include your father in writing in it and we just haven't taken the time to do so. We just enjoy spending our time with you.

We need to begin planning for the summer, our potential trip to California to see family. How long, when, where we are staying, all the details need to be squared away before we go. Plus need to have everything set up for the cats and someone to check in on them while we are away. This is why it all is still a potential trip because there is a lot to consider.

Wish I would write to you more often. I have so many special moments with you that I'd like to remember. Like right now, your wanting to sleep and nurse, it's so sweet. You can't decide if toy want to sleep or you want food. I think you're beginning to wake up though so that is fine.

Hoping we will still be breastfeeding by your first birthday. It's been extremely rough and as you've had solids and more formula in bottles there has been less or more difficult breastfeeding. Just how it goes I guess.

Off to spend the day together. I'm going to miss these days when you're old enough to be in preschool and kindergarten. I'm sure 17 to 18 years from now when you've graduated high school and on your way to college I'll wonder where did all the years go and fondly remember all these moments we spent together when you were a baby. Doesn't matter how old you get, our baby you will always be.

First Snow

Yesterday on the last cold day of winter, unless the cold returns; we took our son outside and let him enjoy the outside and snow. He was all smiles. Looking forward to next winter when he gets to walk in the snow himself. Oh what fun the future brings.

Breastfeeding Rant 1

All I want is to be able to continue our breastfeeding. I want to cry right now and so difficult to hold back the tears. Another rough night with gas pains, no thanks to what I've been eating the past 5 days. Feeling defeated and want to give up.

2/25 Memories

Busy day with you today. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, you ate banana in your little feeder and fed yourself.. Then you hung out in your room with me later and rolled all over your room while I organized old clothes that you've outgrown into keep and donate piles.

I somehow forget everything else I did with your but for dinner you enjoyed some applesauce while we ate lasagna, someday you'll get to know what that's all about. Afterwards we bathed you, got you ready for bedtime and after a little breastfeeding you fell asleep for your big nap you missed earlier. You're still sleeping too.

Today you've had more bottle ounces than other days. It's bittersweet knowing that at this rate we won't be breastfeeding for much longer. My heart hurts but I'll do this with you for add long as you want.

I'll also finish up your baby book over this next week, I'll really try to. I've been the one filling out the pages so it stays consistent. Doesn't matter to me but does too your daddy I guess.

You just woke up so diaper and feeding time.

2/24 Memories, Breastfeeding

You are laying on my lap after a feeding, had to have your daddy get you a bottle because your gums must ache because you're not drinking very well. 4oz this time and I can't help but feel a little sad because you used to be great at this whole breastfeeding thing.

We've overcome so much. Hemmorage after cesarean, blood transfusion for your mommy. You had jaundice and the nurses wanted your heart and breathing monitored when we were in the hospital after your birth. Difficulty with latching, and I mean serious difficulty, then giving in and supplementing with formula. Probably giving too much at first but we weren't told how much to give, we were brand new at this.

Then we came home and had a continued rough start from your mommy worrying about how medications would effect you through breastmilk. Covering or not covering up with company at the house, not consistently pumping. Then pumping at every moment.

Your 2 month immunizations arrived and that hit you hard. Went from finally beginning to nurse well to chomping, my poor nipples couldn't take much more damage. It was finally in the best interest because you were having difficulty with breast and bottle to have your lip and tongue ties revised. It took a week to fully heal but you began to finally drink well and drink did you do too.

This positive change was the flip we needed. By your 3rd month we were about exclusively breastfeeding but that changed at your 4th month immunizations and check up appointment. We inquired about what could help you gain a little more weight, perhaps just an extra 100 calories a day. So we began to give you at least 2oz bottles, either breastmilk or formula.

My mistake when we began exclusively breastfeeding was to not keep up at pumping, I feel like I know that now because now it's more challenging to do.

By your 5th month appointment to get the remaining vaccination, your 2nd month appointment was so difficult for you that we decided to split up future immunizations. We learned that you barely gained any weight, looking back now that made a little sense because around Christmas you began to teethe more and therefore were going on a slight breastfeeding hunger strike. That, and you're extremely active and may just burn calories a little better.

It was time for a change and being told that "some just don't produce enough breastmilk and to supplement.." is hard to hear, in fact upset me greatly. Looking back in what was charted you were getting anywhere from 2oz to 6oz extra a day starting in December, your daddy wanted us to not just double that amount from 2oz but to at least triple if not quadruple it. We were told to try to double the amount, at least from your pediatrician. Forward we marched and the cycle of your preferring bottle over breast began.

Your 6th month appointment arrived and you gained well, about a pound and a half. Still low on the chart for weight but not for height or head circumference. Just a long and lean baby, I've grown to except that if your normal.

You are now about 6.5 months old and for the last two nights I've had to increase bottles and tonight the first in a long time, perhaps since you were 1 month old; had to give you a bottle. I then had us breastfeed afterwards and you've fallen asleep. That brings us to this moment.

I wish and I need things to be different. I want to breastfeed with you for as long as you want, I'm not ready to end this yet even if it's a struggle some days. I know it would be so much easier to just give in and give formula. I tell you this though, after the birth we had with you, what we wanted was taken away; I don't want this to be taken away before it's time.

Hopeful for a positive change to happen, I need there to be a swing in the other direction back towards breastfeeding. I wish your teeth coming in didn't ache so much and I wish my milk sprayed out like the bottles can for you, but my milk just isn't able to work as on demand as a bottle.

It's hypocritical of me to support others telling people to not give up when for the past week, several nights I've wanted to do just that, even had tears over it. Because I would regret weaning you now I'll keep moving forward. I never realized breastfeeding would be like this for us. I hope you're not upset with the decisions we made for you. Your daddy and your mommy just want you to grow, be happy, be healthy, and thrive. You're doing all of the above and more, you are an amazing child, we are blessed to have you as our son. 

As I Hold Our Whole World In My Arms

As I hold our whole world in my arms I think about how much our lives have changed over the past decade. First trying to figure everything out, friends with the wrong people who weren't positive support in my life. Then a life changing surgery, everything was so clear afterwards and big changes happened. It's like I was searching to find out who I was and why I was this unsettled person. And then we were expecting the twins, positive tests, ultrasounds, it all was really happening, and then we lost everything. Losing a child is the worst loss, the loss of more than one child is devastating. All these years we were working towards something beautiful and now years after the loss of our daughters I hold their brother in my arms. 

As I hold our whole world in my arms I think about all the people I wish I'd see, the phone calls I haven't made, the emails I meant to write; being a stay at home mommy is a busy job but one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Time with family and friends will happen, the phone calls and email can wait, what's important now is our son and I want to give him all the time I can while I can.

As I hold our whole world in my arms I miss his sisters, his sibling, all his guardian angels that are watching over him. Our son may not have come into this world the way we hoped, I'm still grieving that and that's ok, because what matters most is that our son is in our world, he made it. Now my job is to help him grow, teach him things about life, and be his mommy.

As I hold our whole world in my arms time slows down to a crawl and for a moment while I listen to him breathe, feel his warmth, his hand resting upon my chin, life is perfect. I want to remember this moment forever. Life is beautiful, this time is precious. This is exactly who I want to be, no more unsettled searching, this is exactly who I'm meant to be. I am a mother to all our children but it wasn't until our son was born that I felt it fully, not just in my heart now.

As I hold our whole world in my arms, I am a mom.

Your daddy and momma love you Bond Frederick. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being our baby boy. I hope we do a great job at being your parents because we are proud to have you as our son.

Solid Foods

In January you began solid foods. First was avacado, you kind of liked it. Second was banana, you pretty much hated it, have a great photo of you sticking out your tongue. Third you tried sweet potato which you really loved. We've combined banana with sweet potato and also avacado some nights too. The fourth food you ever ate was apple sauce. You're kind of neutral about apple sauce. You don't seem to care much for cold food and probably why you like sweet potato because is usually warm. Thinking carrots or a green vegetable for your next food.

2/15 Memories

These moments when you fall asleep on my lap or in my arms... So beautiful.

Posts

Wish I'd update every day. Sorry I don't little baby. I'll try to more often.

So Beautiful

So beautiful,
The way your breath breathes in and out,
The way you sleep, so peaceful, so sweet,
Your moving limbs when you dream about.

So beautiful,
The way you look at me,
When you wake, your love so great,
I want you to look at me this way forever.

So beautiful,
Watching you grow, so alive,
I often have to remind myself that this is real, you are here, you are a part of me, a part of your daddy and I.

So beautiful,
Those laughs, those coos, those cries,
Many years we tried and lost our loves, but we still held on, hoping now you are old when we say our final goodbye.

So beautiful,
Each second on earth with you,
Never want to forget, don't want to regret , want to remember our beautiful lives with you. 

(C)1/29/2015, by Evelyn Schwenke 

In His Eyes

I love how in our son's eyes I am perfect. He doesn't care about my weight, my appearance is only one part of me. In his eyes I am perfect, I am beautiful, I am mommy. I wish I could see myself through his eyes.

A matter of weight.

If I had to choose between being my ideal weight or having you in my life baby boy there'd be no question. I'd  rather be overweight and have you than be skinny and without you. I'll try to remind myself how lucky I am to have you in my life the next time I'm feeling low because of how much weight I gained during each pregnancy. And I know to you I'm perfect no matter how I look or how much I weight because to you I'm mommy. I wish I could see myself through your eyes.

I feel like I've failed.

Our long and lean baby officially is being given extra calories from pumped breastmilk and formula to help him gain weight. For some reason even with giving at least an extra 2oz a day he's only gained 3 ounces in four weeks, that's not good.

Last appointment's vaccinations were extra difficult to bounce back from, more teething too. With how his breastfeeding changed last month I suspect he could have lost some weight and recently gained it back (he felt heavier..), or I feel he could have a high matabilisum and/or burning more calories, or just not getting enough fat and sweating too much.

I must have cried at least a dozen times since home from our 5 month appointment (to get the other vaccination, of which he is extra sleepy from this one too) and now back to pumping and plan to do everything I can to keep my breastmilk supply from dropping or drying up.

All this worry stresses me out terribly. I'm at my wits end, feel like I won't be nursing for too much longer because for every bottle he gets he becomes more frustrated at the breast. I feel horrible that my breasts just can't flow quickly like a bottle can.

Trying to take this one day at a time and praying we can at least nurse up to a year. Asked the pediatrician about when to begin solids because our son had been really interested in what we've been eating, trying to reach out and grab it even. If given the ok seriously considering starting solids to help see it can help him get more calories so he can gain weight.

Our breastfeeding story had been a struggle but I thought it was finally a success. Now I know (like what the nurse said and what felt like in the most rude and harsh way possible) that some woman just aren't able to produce enough milk and have to supplement. That nurse doesn't know our history with breastfeeding and how far we've come, but I suppose none of that matters now. 

I want our son to be ok and to gain weight. I'll do what I have to but that doesn't mean I won't grieve about it in the process.

Ladies Man

Let me make this clear because one day you may not believe me, although I hope you will.

I will always love you.

I will love you no matter who you love, no matter the color of their skin, no matter their gender, no matter their spirituality, no matter their origin, no matter their social status, no matter their age, no matter their weight, no matter their height.

I love you unconditionally and support you.

I will love you if you want to be single, if you want to get married, if you want to have kids or never have kids, no matter if you go to collage or don't go to collage. I will love you no matter your career or your hobby, whatever you decide to do in the future I will love you.

So please don't you stress out or conform to what society may say is normal or acceptable, the times are changing. I hope in the future you will have everything you need and won't have to struggle. I hope you are able to appreciate what you have no matter big or small, and cherish who you have in your life. We are so thankful to have you.

You just be you. Because you are wonderful, amazing, beautiful and perfect just as you are.

And in case you need more reminding, I love you!

Memories 1-13

The way you fall asleep, so peaceful. I want to hold onto you forever. You're beautiful.

I Can't, I Won't

I can't fail you, I won't. I'm in tears over everything. Just please start rocking again, I'll try my best to do right by you. I love you so very much!!!

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I love you so much. I love your smell, how soft your hair is, your small hands. I love the way you reach out to hold my fingers, touch my face. I love the way you look up onto my eyes.
Your eyes are filled with wonder, taking in the world each day and learning and growing. You make sounds with your mouth, you coo, you laugh, you smile. Your smile warms my heart every day, your smile lifts me up.

You, my baby boy are a dream come true. This life your father and I hope to give you, filled with support and love, we want the very best for you. Most of all we want you to be happy.
You have been wanted for a long time. It took a decade for you to arrive but you finally did. Now that you're here in our lives we can't imagine life without you.

One day when you're all grown I hope you look back on your life with us and can see how much we loved you. I'm trying to remember every moment but it all is passing by quickly.

Five months you have been with us, your life is just beginning. Oh what a beautiful life it will be.

Forever you hold my heart with your angel siblings, forever your mother, you have my unconditional love.

I love you.
Love, your momma.

Just like a mother would

Worry. It's a condition, a state of being, almost like a disease. It eats away at us and fills our head with doubt and negativity.

After losing our identical twins and gaining a son, our rainbow, I hold onto him a little closer. I figure even if he does want to be held more often than I shouldn't evert complain, in fact I don't.

If only to have a brief moment to visit the bathroom solo and then I'll come back to the busy life of motherhood.

Our son had seemed unset the weather now since yesterday but things seem a little better today. It's frustrating when you're a nursing mother, when the milk doesn't seem to flow as steadily as before. When you fear you're beginning to dry up, a not so irrational concern. But then after some time you feel like things are going to be ok.

I look at our son every day, cherishing every single moment, even the moments when he's screaming or crying. He may have gas or an upset stomach. For now he needs his mother and his father,  for now we can spend this extra time together. For now, this moment, our son is 5 months old. I wonder how much more quickly time will pass by.

No matter the pace, life is right where we dream it to be. Life may be bittersweet because our angels are not with us, but life is good. Just like our son, life is beautiful.

Memories 1-12

Got together as a family and made home made pizzas. Was a fun time and so happy our son spent time with his family. Played pass the baby despite my worry of him being around alot of people, will have to trust or family to be healthy, wash hands and so on.. Favorite part of the day yesterday was watching our son interact with family, to smile, coo and giggle. These moments are what will last a lifetime.

2 days

Successfully cloth diapered for 2 days last week. Back to disposable again for a day and then will try cloth again in a day or two.

5 Months

Can't believe you ate 5 months old already. I'm the luckiest mommy in the world. A decade to have you, infertility, you're angel siblings and here you are; our miracle.

5 Months and my birthday

Today I am 34 years old, it's my birthday as if 3:13pm, and our son's 5 month birthday as of 8:19pm. Oh so wonderful. I have the perfect gift already.

More Memories 1-6

You are reaching out more, especially with your right hand. We did lots of tummy time in the front great room and in your room. Played with your piano, practiced sitting up, all sorts of fun stuff. Showed interest in what I was eating for a second day too.

Memories 1-6

Tummy time today. We need more tummy time. Need to build up those muscles and encourage lots of rolling which will soon be crawling, sitting up on our own and walking. In in no hurry for this year to pass by. Add it is you are already growing up too fast. Cherishing every moment with you.

Memories 1-5

You showed interest in what I was eating for the first time. I was eating a Cliff peanut butter protein bar and you watched so very carefully as I took each bite.

Later you reached out and touched my face, as to examine in with your hand to see how it felt as you looked closely with your eyes.

Wondering if you will be right or left handed or both.

Memories 1-4

The way you laugh is amazing, your smile so big and bright. Your eyes smile with your face, you light right up. I love these moments.

Memories 1-3

I always try to do the best by you, no matter what. Sometimes (who am I kidding?!), more like often I feel like I'm screwing up.

I didn't plan on doing a lot of the things I am and as far as other things, like reading to you every day and every night, I just haven't begun to do that enough.

I hope you are able to appreciate everything I'm trying to do for you, everything we are trying to do for you.

Just want you happy, which you are, and healthy, which you are. We are lucky patents to have you. You are an amazing little boy.

Teething memories

Now that you've become teething with a vengeance I want to remember what some of these days were like. You gnawing on mommy's arm with your gums. Hoping your teeth coming in doesn't ache too much.

Memories, 1-2

I love the way you look into my eyes and hold my fingers with your hands. The way your skin feels so soft, your silly hair, your smiles, oh how I love your smiles. And your giggles and laughs, amazing. You're just so beautiful and wonderful our rainbow baby boy. Cherishing every moment with you. Our first new year with you and next week you'll be five months old. Seems like every day is rushing by quickly, before we know if you'll be a year old and we'll wonder where it all went. Trying to make as many memories as possible. One thing for sure is we have no shortage of photos.