Right now I feel so incomplete, so empty, my life surly is supposed to have more than just this.
Instead of sleepless nights due to diaper changes, bottle feedings and rocking twins back to sleep; life is filled with sleepless nights from insomnia and my body and brain arguing with each other. I believe my body still hasn't gotten the memo that I'm not a mom to earthy children.
I've heard it all from people. I don't want to hear it this weekend. Today has been difficult enough. I just want our baby girls back.
I've thought it over, perhaps you have before too. It's those thoughts of a grieving, mourning parent, you know it won't happen but maybe you've played the "what would I give up to bring back my child" game..
I would give up my voice and my hearing , if only I could hold our daughters once again and watch them grow up. It wouldn't matter to me if I couldn't speak to them or hear their beautiful voices because I would be able to see them with my eyes, be able to hold them in my arms and feel the warmth of their skin, feel their hearts beating, and be able to watch them grow up.
Of course it's a horrible game to play but today my heart is wanting to cry out and scream. The world is not as it is supposed to be.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Our Love Bugs
We've been fortunate to be parents to our furry children.
Have said goodbye to two of our fur babies over the years.
Currently have two love bugs, girls, and so thankful for them. <3
Weighted Comfort
Bringing comfort to my heart today and that is what I need while missing our daughters.
It's not the same but so thankful to hold our babies again.
Six months ago feels like yesterday.
Thoughts of a Mourning Mommy
Last night late into the evening I wrote this on our Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angel's facebook page. Looking back now I can tell I was feeling down and upset when I wrote it. I believe my feelings should still be shared. Today, the 28th of June has been a bitter day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This is not how it was supposed to be after eight years of trying, finally getting pregnant thanks to help with IVF and being blessed with identical twins. Instead I watch the world continue on around me as it always has all these years while fighting infertility.
It is so easy for so many to have their family and I feel they should count their blessings because everything can change in a second. Then you are just like myself and so many trying to pick up the pieces afterwards. No I can't just act like it wasn't a big deal and move forward.
Eight years, will be nine years this October trying to start our family. Have everything taken away from you and you tell me that it was meant to be or (insert saying/line/advice right here).
As well as what I write here tonight I want anyone who would like to, to read two things I've written recently.
First is our story http://
and second is this post http://
It's difficult to heal after the loss of your child, less alone two children. I hope that someday, even right now, that we are being blessed with another child. Though I'm skeptical it will really happen without help of doctors because our past has not been kind to us. Infertility hurts.
Missing our babies tonight and my heart is heavy. Hopefully Friday will be gentle to me. It wasn't until Saturday the 29th that we truly said our last goodbye and left the hospital. But these first and last moments with our daughters are ones that will haunt me and I will cherish forever.
First is our story http://
and second is this post http://
It's difficult to heal after the loss of your child, less alone two children. I hope that someday, even right now, that we are being blessed with another child. Though I'm skeptical it will really happen without help of doctors because our past has not been kind to us. Infertility hurts.
Missing our babies tonight and my heart is heavy. Hopefully Friday will be gentle to me. It wasn't until Saturday the 29th that we truly said our last goodbye and left the hospital. But these first and last moments with our daughters are ones that will haunt me and I will cherish forever.
<3 Momma loves you Apple Marie and Banana Lee <3
<3 <3 Forever and Ever <3 <3
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Momma Misses You
 |
| December 2012 |
My heart is heavy today. The world just doesn't feel right.
Tomorrow on the 28th it will be six months that have passed since we met, said hello and goodbye to our baby girls. I have no other words to say other than that.
Momma misses you and loves you Apple and Banana.
Your daddy misses and loves you both too.
Our life just isn't the same with out you.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Heaven Got Another Angel
Why is it we find it easy to say some phrases, idioms that may or may not be relevant these days? Perhaps it's something that is easy and that's why these sayings continue. Maybe our parents or grandparents influenced us and now we can't help it, now adults ourselves. Heaven got another angel, I know I've heard that one before and somehow I find myself wanting to title this post with that saying.
A friend of mine experienced the loss no parent ever should. This is a topic that usually goes unsaid, "too taboo" some say, "you just don't talk about it" say others. I think that those are just excuses for people's inability to be comfortable in their own skin and realize that the world around them isn't coming up roses. But come hell or high water this topic will not wait til the cows come home.
Just turn a blind eye, maybe if you don't look it doesn't exist. I don't think so. Did you know that each life is precious? Sometimes I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve, it has come back to bite me but I will not let my life be in fear of letting myself live.
When my husband and I first had a bun in the oven we were overjoyed. Quickly this tiny circle became a tadpole like creature, then buds of arms and feet, no longer looking like an alien with a huge head, and was finally recognizable as a little human being.
I feel that for many life is when they feel it begins. I know I have had losses that were too early to tell. When we became pregnant last year and things were moving steadily forward we had the best of both words. Twins, two for the price of one. Life was great.
But wait! You're going up a blind alley! Loss happens every single day and no one bats an eye. This is just something that happens to everyone but that isn't true. I know my share of people who have never experienced loss, these same people and I usually have a challenging time relating to one another on the topic of life now that I've lost two.
Don't worry, your baby is in a better place. When it's right it will happen. Heaven got another angel. These words are not comforting and should not be said to those who lost their hopes and dreams for the life they just said goodbye to. So when is a good time to say these things? Perhaps never.
The best advice I can give to anyone who has never experienced loss before is to put yourself in their shoes. Especially the parents who have children and no matter what age, think about what you would feel like if you lost your child or your children. Being mindful and aware of our words and how they effect others is important in times like these.
Would it comfort you to hear the things you've said to others after the loss of your infant or your teenager or your adult child? There you are crying, missing your child, wondering why they had to die, they had their entire life ahead of them. Suddenly someone sits by your side and speaks to you while your in tears, "Don't cry now, your baby is in a better place. These things happen. At least they are no longer in pain. It happened for a reason. Heaven needed another angel. There is always surrogacy or adoption next time. You're still young, you can have more children. At least you have your other child(ren). They are in a better place. I know how you feel."
That example was the mother load. I feel these words are things that should not be said, even though I know I too have said unintentional hurtful words before. It is all about being kind to others, using awareness and mindfulness and empathy.
Do you know what IS ok to say? "I'm sorry","I'm here for you.","Let me know if you need me." and then just be there for the person who is grieving the best way you can. Don't make empty promises and don't make excuses or lie. Just be there for them.
Today heaven got another angel and right now I feel that heaven is the wicked witch of the universe. Give people a break heaven, you have enough angels. Let the children live.
A friend of mine experienced the loss no parent ever should. This is a topic that usually goes unsaid, "too taboo" some say, "you just don't talk about it" say others. I think that those are just excuses for people's inability to be comfortable in their own skin and realize that the world around them isn't coming up roses. But come hell or high water this topic will not wait til the cows come home.
Just turn a blind eye, maybe if you don't look it doesn't exist. I don't think so. Did you know that each life is precious? Sometimes I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve, it has come back to bite me but I will not let my life be in fear of letting myself live.
When my husband and I first had a bun in the oven we were overjoyed. Quickly this tiny circle became a tadpole like creature, then buds of arms and feet, no longer looking like an alien with a huge head, and was finally recognizable as a little human being.
I feel that for many life is when they feel it begins. I know I have had losses that were too early to tell. When we became pregnant last year and things were moving steadily forward we had the best of both words. Twins, two for the price of one. Life was great.
But wait! You're going up a blind alley! Loss happens every single day and no one bats an eye. This is just something that happens to everyone but that isn't true. I know my share of people who have never experienced loss, these same people and I usually have a challenging time relating to one another on the topic of life now that I've lost two.
Don't worry, your baby is in a better place. When it's right it will happen. Heaven got another angel. These words are not comforting and should not be said to those who lost their hopes and dreams for the life they just said goodbye to. So when is a good time to say these things? Perhaps never.
The best advice I can give to anyone who has never experienced loss before is to put yourself in their shoes. Especially the parents who have children and no matter what age, think about what you would feel like if you lost your child or your children. Being mindful and aware of our words and how they effect others is important in times like these.
Would it comfort you to hear the things you've said to others after the loss of your infant or your teenager or your adult child? There you are crying, missing your child, wondering why they had to die, they had their entire life ahead of them. Suddenly someone sits by your side and speaks to you while your in tears, "Don't cry now, your baby is in a better place. These things happen. At least they are no longer in pain. It happened for a reason. Heaven needed another angel. There is always surrogacy or adoption next time. You're still young, you can have more children. At least you have your other child(ren). They are in a better place. I know how you feel."
That example was the mother load. I feel these words are things that should not be said, even though I know I too have said unintentional hurtful words before. It is all about being kind to others, using awareness and mindfulness and empathy.
Do you know what IS ok to say? "I'm sorry","I'm here for you.","Let me know if you need me." and then just be there for the person who is grieving the best way you can. Don't make empty promises and don't make excuses or lie. Just be there for them.
Today heaven got another angel and right now I feel that heaven is the wicked witch of the universe. Give people a break heaven, you have enough angels. Let the children live.
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