If Only

Right now I feel so incomplete, so empty, my life surly is supposed to have more than just this.

Instead of sleepless nights due to diaper changes, bottle feedings and rocking twins back to sleep; life is filled with sleepless nights from insomnia and my body and brain arguing with each other. I believe my body still hasn't gotten the memo that I'm not a mom to earthy children.

I've heard it all from people. I don't want to hear it this weekend. Today has been difficult enough. I just want our baby girls back.

I've thought it over, perhaps you have before too. It's those thoughts of a grieving, mourning parent, you know it won't happen but maybe you've played the "what would I give up to bring back my child" game..

I would give up my voice and my hearing , if only I could hold our daughters once again and watch them grow up. It wouldn't matter to me if I couldn't speak to them or hear their beautiful voices because I would be able to see them with my eyes, be able to hold them in my arms and feel the warmth of their skin, feel their hearts beating, and be able to watch them grow up.

Of course it's a horrible game to play but today my heart is wanting to cry out and scream. The world is not as it is supposed to be.