Attachment

  "We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of driftwood, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off limits to others. We're willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea."

 

~Pema Chödrön

Sometimes we don't want to let go. Attachment is something we all experience. 

Months ago once I realized and had awareness of what I felt and why, it was easier to continue on day by day. It's like I had an awakening of sorts. Then the moments didn't feel so sorrowful and I didn't sink into depression any longer. I was still sad that our babies were gone but was aware of how I was feeling and wasn't going to allow that feeling to overwhelm me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I had not had my awakening how far down the road I would have gotten. I believe I'm stronger than I realize. I don't need to worry though. I understood why and what I was feeling. Then suddenly it's like weights were lifted from my chest, I could breathe again. 

After a long cry one night that I could not stop I awoke the next morning. Sometimes I still wish I wasn't so attached to our children but I am. I'm ok admitting that, I'm not perfect.  It's difficult to let go and continue to live. Finding a peaceful place in the middle between attachment and separation. Somehow I will do what I can to survive and move forward. 

Should Of, Could Of, Would Of's

Have you ever heard the expression, you know the one, people say you shouldn't talk about the "should of, could of, would of's" because it does you no good because what happened is in the past. It doesn't change anything talking about what you want to.

I find myself asking those questions and my heart is aching so much thinking about what I should have done when first awaking from our laser surgery we had to try saving the lives of our twins. I was far enough along that laying on my back couldn't of been good for the babies. I read in so many books about how it's best to lay on your left side for circulation, but as long as you're not laying on your back you're ok.

Being so worried and heavily medicated I laid on my back almost the entire time after the surgery. I had a very large c-section scar too so it hurt to lay on my side. But I should have made myself lay on my side for the girl's sake. What was I thinking? It couldn't have helped them.

Looking back I'm sure that the doctors and nurses knew what they were doing. I wasn't laying completely flat but because of what I'm physically limited to wasn't able to get up or move around much either. It turns out some medications that help with contractions mess with my nerves to the degree that I'm unable to walk.

Now with everything I learned last December I'm better prepared for the future. Like how magnesium doesn't suit well with me, how the medications they give you after being taken off magnesium that sometimes help control contractions have a really bad allergic reaction for me. I've learned that an epidural doesn't work on me when having low back contractions and back labor. I've learned how painful it can get and that I'm able to endure through that pain. I've been through labor and given birth naturally, I know I'm physically able to achieve that when others believed it may not be possible due to my health history.

Knowing these things does not give me peace. In thirty days it will be the anniversary of the day we learned we were pregnant. I'm still healing from this tremendous loss, we both are. Just hoping we can get the message out there about what people can do when they are expecting and provide support before, during and after pregnancy, birth and loss.

Our facebook page is just the beginning of what we hope for in memory of our twins. I know it's not impossible but it would bring warmth to my heart if we reached 500 likes by August 30th 2013. That would mean that half of one thousand people would know about our twins and that their story, their lives will not be forgotten. It's important to us that people realize that to us our twins were everything, we will remember and love them forever.

Momma loves you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!!

Video Game Life

I shared a thought I had on our facebook page Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. That it's too bad life can't be more like a video game. Perhaps a message could pop up or you would just keep trying over and over again until what was meant to be happened. Similar to the movie Groundhog Day but not.

It would be nice to know if and when things were supposed to be, yes it would take the mystery out but then just having the knowledge of what will happen could help ease the heartache. Perhaps then we would have realized we weren't meant to be earthly parents and then know our journey wasn't over yet.

Watching my husband play video games where your character never really "dies" in the game, you just keep starting over and over again until you're able to do it right. Unlike the games of the past where you would have so many chances, so many lives and then the entire game would be over.

If life was like a game and we could just get to start over again and again would people really put forward an effort? Maybe not. So my mind wonders on the "what if's" like always. Wondering when we are meant to be parents to earthly children. Remaining forever hopeful.

New Cover Photo FOTWTTTSA

Sometimes I enjoy a night to myself and work on something creative. Recently found my old graphire tablet and decided to re-work our cover photo for our page at Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. As the artist who created this I'll always see room for improvement but I do like the way it's turned out so far. :)

Be sure to visit our facebook page at www.facebook.com/fruitofthewombtttsangels and like us! Thanks!

Vivid Baby Dreams

Why I have so many vivid baby dreams I do not know. Or why I have so many vivid dreams at all I do not know. They say creative people have more dreams.. I believe that's true because our minds never want to shut off..

The Unknown

I venture out into the unknown and don't know where this future takes me. I search for answers but all I have are questions. Hope is what keeps me going. Wanting to set a good example for our children, who are angels. I know that's odd but why shouldn't I want to believe that our daughters are watching over their parents until we are reunited once again. It's comforting and not in a biblical way, just in a way that helps bring me peace during this continual time of mourning.

I want to be the type of mother our children can be proud of. Set a good example. Bring up our children in a household that loves each other, speaks the truth, doesn't fight, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, is giving and caring towards all life. What more could a person request as what they hope for and want to achieve in their lifetime as a parent? I don't believe that's wanting or asking too much.

I have always had big plans for when I become a mom. All the vacations we'd plan together as a family. Our fun day trips around the state of Missouri and Illinois. Visiting family, because we'd have a little more time and good reasons to come and see relatives. "Oh, you have to see our oldest, you won't believe it but they are about to hit double digits.." Any reason to see family or friends will do.

Right now we have many friends who have families and we don't get to see people often. Back ten and more years ago we had quite a social life, actually we still had quite a social life even seven years ago. But that all changed after my 2nd back surgery, disabilities do limit social visits and also help you realize who really cares about you and is there for you during your time of need. It's a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I did then instead of now.

I look forward to having get together's with friends who have children so that our kids can play while us parents visit. I remember when I was a child that was one of the best things having parents who got along and enjoyed chatting. That meant when it was time to go home for the day after hanging out we could visit for longer because our parents were enjoying the company in the other room. Hoping our parents would forget about us kids, which never happened of course, but it did give us an extra fifteen minutes to one hour longer to be together.

I've been in this strange place, this state of limbo since our twins died last December 2012. I'm a mom in ever since of the way but I'm not a mom to living, breathing babies. It's a difficult place to be in because not everyone can relate to you. I feel that urge, that responsibility to do things and I've slowly been getting there month by month, but I lack the motivation I would have had had our daughter's lived. I want to do so much while I still have time but now due to the charity and pages on facebook, being there for others, and mostly the graphics which take time, that is usually what I do in my quote "free time". Just need to get myself on a set schedule like I had back in the day and I'll be able to better organize my time in the day.

For the first time in my life since becoming healthy and losing all the weight, I have had an issue losing the baby weight. I've tried everything I can think of, aside from running on a treadmill for five miles every single day, which I can't physically do and we don't own a treadmill yet. I want to get my pre-baby body back. Honestly I do realize now that reaching my overall weight loss goal probably will not happen in this lifetime. It's still a number in the back of my mind but I won't worry about the pressures of getting there like I used to. All I want to do is get my body back to a weight where I was happy and felt like I looked good. For me that weight is about 30-40 pounds away right now. Slowly but surly I'm getting there, just not as quickly as I'd like.

Well here I am, this is me, venturing out into the unknown with no idea what will happen. Perhaps it's better this way.

What This Future Holds / Karma..

No idea what this future holds. Just worried, anxious, and want the past not to have happened. Want to be a mother to living children. What did I do? This can't be karma. If it were karma our babies would have lived forever because I've done nothing to deserve what happened. My heart is heavy. I want to cry but my chest won't let my heart feel what it needs to for my eyes to let the tears flow. Holding it all in and it hurts even worse because it that. Feel alone. When will we get our happy ending?