The Unknown

I venture out into the unknown and don't know where this future takes me. I search for answers but all I have are questions. Hope is what keeps me going. Wanting to set a good example for our children, who are angels. I know that's odd but why shouldn't I want to believe that our daughters are watching over their parents until we are reunited once again. It's comforting and not in a biblical way, just in a way that helps bring me peace during this continual time of mourning.

I want to be the type of mother our children can be proud of. Set a good example. Bring up our children in a household that loves each other, speaks the truth, doesn't fight, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, is giving and caring towards all life. What more could a person request as what they hope for and want to achieve in their lifetime as a parent? I don't believe that's wanting or asking too much.

I have always had big plans for when I become a mom. All the vacations we'd plan together as a family. Our fun day trips around the state of Missouri and Illinois. Visiting family, because we'd have a little more time and good reasons to come and see relatives. "Oh, you have to see our oldest, you won't believe it but they are about to hit double digits.." Any reason to see family or friends will do.

Right now we have many friends who have families and we don't get to see people often. Back ten and more years ago we had quite a social life, actually we still had quite a social life even seven years ago. But that all changed after my 2nd back surgery, disabilities do limit social visits and also help you realize who really cares about you and is there for you during your time of need. It's a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I did then instead of now.

I look forward to having get together's with friends who have children so that our kids can play while us parents visit. I remember when I was a child that was one of the best things having parents who got along and enjoyed chatting. That meant when it was time to go home for the day after hanging out we could visit for longer because our parents were enjoying the company in the other room. Hoping our parents would forget about us kids, which never happened of course, but it did give us an extra fifteen minutes to one hour longer to be together.

I've been in this strange place, this state of limbo since our twins died last December 2012. I'm a mom in ever since of the way but I'm not a mom to living, breathing babies. It's a difficult place to be in because not everyone can relate to you. I feel that urge, that responsibility to do things and I've slowly been getting there month by month, but I lack the motivation I would have had had our daughter's lived. I want to do so much while I still have time but now due to the charity and pages on facebook, being there for others, and mostly the graphics which take time, that is usually what I do in my quote "free time". Just need to get myself on a set schedule like I had back in the day and I'll be able to better organize my time in the day.

For the first time in my life since becoming healthy and losing all the weight, I have had an issue losing the baby weight. I've tried everything I can think of, aside from running on a treadmill for five miles every single day, which I can't physically do and we don't own a treadmill yet. I want to get my pre-baby body back. Honestly I do realize now that reaching my overall weight loss goal probably will not happen in this lifetime. It's still a number in the back of my mind but I won't worry about the pressures of getting there like I used to. All I want to do is get my body back to a weight where I was happy and felt like I looked good. For me that weight is about 30-40 pounds away right now. Slowly but surly I'm getting there, just not as quickly as I'd like.

Well here I am, this is me, venturing out into the unknown with no idea what will happen. Perhaps it's better this way.