What This Future Holds / Karma..

No idea what this future holds. Just worried, anxious, and want the past not to have happened. Want to be a mother to living children. What did I do? This can't be karma. If it were karma our babies would have lived forever because I've done nothing to deserve what happened. My heart is heavy. I want to cry but my chest won't let my heart feel what it needs to for my eyes to let the tears flow. Holding it all in and it hurts even worse because it that. Feel alone. When will we get our happy ending?