Should Of, Could Of, Would Of's

Have you ever heard the expression, you know the one, people say you shouldn't talk about the "should of, could of, would of's" because it does you no good because what happened is in the past. It doesn't change anything talking about what you want to.

I find myself asking those questions and my heart is aching so much thinking about what I should have done when first awaking from our laser surgery we had to try saving the lives of our twins. I was far enough along that laying on my back couldn't of been good for the babies. I read in so many books about how it's best to lay on your left side for circulation, but as long as you're not laying on your back you're ok.

Being so worried and heavily medicated I laid on my back almost the entire time after the surgery. I had a very large c-section scar too so it hurt to lay on my side. But I should have made myself lay on my side for the girl's sake. What was I thinking? It couldn't have helped them.

Looking back I'm sure that the doctors and nurses knew what they were doing. I wasn't laying completely flat but because of what I'm physically limited to wasn't able to get up or move around much either. It turns out some medications that help with contractions mess with my nerves to the degree that I'm unable to walk.

Now with everything I learned last December I'm better prepared for the future. Like how magnesium doesn't suit well with me, how the medications they give you after being taken off magnesium that sometimes help control contractions have a really bad allergic reaction for me. I've learned that an epidural doesn't work on me when having low back contractions and back labor. I've learned how painful it can get and that I'm able to endure through that pain. I've been through labor and given birth naturally, I know I'm physically able to achieve that when others believed it may not be possible due to my health history.

Knowing these things does not give me peace. In thirty days it will be the anniversary of the day we learned we were pregnant. I'm still healing from this tremendous loss, we both are. Just hoping we can get the message out there about what people can do when they are expecting and provide support before, during and after pregnancy, birth and loss.

Our facebook page is just the beginning of what we hope for in memory of our twins. I know it's not impossible but it would bring warmth to my heart if we reached 500 likes by August 30th 2013. That would mean that half of one thousand people would know about our twins and that their story, their lives will not be forgotten. It's important to us that people realize that to us our twins were everything, we will remember and love them forever.

Momma loves you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!!