The day we met you.

It was a Wednesday, we went in for your mommy's prenatal appointment and after an ultrasound learned you had little fluid remaining around you. After discussing with the doctor he decided to induce your mommy before the due date. Later that evening we went to the hospital with your daddy and all our packed things, we were ready.

39 weeks and five days there we were.. It was a very slow start and unfortunately it continued to be. The next early evening we finally came to the unfortunate conclusion that you may be at risk to continue with laboring you naturally and would need to have a cesarean. Due to your mommy's prior back surgery and nerve damage it was decided too risky to birth without sedation. I met you after I woke up after surgery.

I remember being in the birthing room, all white with electronics everywhere. I finally lay down on their table and they remove my shoes, strap down my arms, clean my belly, arm pressure cuff on my left arm and monitoring cluff and cables connected to my right arm. The starilized drape went down and the oxygen mixed with some sleep medicine though the IV I believe.. It was so emotional, I held back as many tears as I could because unlike your twin sisters I would not see you, your birthing minute, hear you cry or put you to breast until after they cleaned me up and sewed me back together. The medicine entered my system and off to sleep I went, I dreamed of you.

Then awake, I remember a nurse handing you to me for the first time. I held you on my right side. Next I remember your daddy being there and giving you to him. Here is your son, I said to him and he held you for the first time too. The way your daddy looked at you and held you was beautiful, after all these years trying, struggling and dreaming about you, here you were.

I don't remember much after that. Apparently I was highly drugged up because of the surgery. Next thing I remember is waking up to a blood hemmorage. It was finally Friday the 8th, your expected due date. I was in horrific pain, the contractions I had with these blood clots were unbelievable. It felt like hours passed until it was over.

Unfortunately we missed a lot of valuable time together. It was rough breastfeeding and getting you to latch or stay latched. You developed jaundice and I had anemia from the blood loss. Saturday was our best breastfeeding day, wish the hospital could have helped out more with that and establish pumping since my supply would be compromised due to everything I experienced.

Sunday was the worst day. Your mommy had two bags of blood given through transfusion and you were on the lights for your jaundice, also monitoring for your breathing. What was interesting is after all the concern for me they didn't realize I was anemic because I was up and moving as quickly as possible.. You were there and I wanted to be super mom I guess, but on Sunday it was like a train hit me and I lost my strength and finally requested some time to rest and sleep.

Fortunately by Monday the both of us were much better and we were able to be released from the hospital. From Wednesday evening through early evening on Monday, it felt like a long time since we had been home.

I will add to this story and add more details too. I wanted to write some today because believe it or not I hadn't yet in your three months of life. It's been an amazing but busy time together. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world right now.

Having you does make me think of your twin sisters, a lot actually, and even more thankful that we have you in our lives. What an amazing life you will have, or so I hope. Mommy and Daddy love you with all our heart, our beautiful baby boy, our rainbow.

You

You made it. You're here. You're amazing. Our beautiful rainbow. 

I'm just almost three months behind on telling the story of your birth,.. 

35 Weeks

Haven't written in a long while but here we are, 35 weeks and 4 days. Hopeful for our happy beginning in however many weeks are left. Need to begin writing updates here again. 

KICK!!!

Nothing makes an angel baby momma who is expecting a rainbow baby more anxious than a baby who's not dancing as frequently. Saying to her baby, "Come on kiddo, KICK!!!" and just grasping onto hope that everything is normal and will continue to be ok. Thoughts of "This must just be a resting day or I'm not feeling the kicks as much" running through her mind while dreaming of birth day and when she gets to hold her rainbow baby for the first time, breathing, screaming, and alive.

Continuing Forward

Continuing forward, venturing towards the third trimester and hopeful we will make it to the finish line.

Bad Dreams

Calling what I dream a "bad dream" seems like a simplification of what actually occurred. But in the simplest of words yes I have had some bad dreams through out this pregnancy with our rainbow. Suppose it is the uncertainty of the future and just hope that everything will work out. Could also be the fact that we are expecting a baby boy this time instead of identical twin girls. Everything is different this time around for sure. Just happy that I'm keeping a record of the day to day even if it's not that detailed for our baby boy. Holding onto hope for our future and also hope my bad dreams are a thing of the past.

Dreaming Of You, Firsts

While I sit here with something I thought I'd never have, another chance at being a mother, I dream of you. I dream of holding you in my arms. I dream of watching your daddy hold you and rock you to sleep. I dream of midnight feedings, nursery rhythms and lulabies. I dream of your first smiles, yours first laughs, but first dream of your first cries. I dream of the day when I tell you all the things I've been thinking of and you can tell me what you think too. I dream of your first steps, your first day at school, your graduation, your wedding day, and I dream of your first child. I dream of everything I have now, will have and all in between our first and last days together.

You are our miracle and we love you more than you'll ever know. When we meet you it will be almost ten years since we began trying for our family. It will be almost twelve years since your daddy and I were married, and it will be fourteen years since your daddy and I first met. 

Until now we've only had angels, your older siblings. Life if full of firsts, you'll be our first earthly child. To all the moments we have now and that await us we are so very thankful. 

To our rainbow baby we love you so very much. Forever and ever our beautiful baby boy. You're making our dreams come true with each day you're with us. 

Don't joke on April Fools

There are some things one should never joke about on April Fools. A fake pregnancy is one of them.

We are grateful for our pregnancy with our rainbow baby and hopeful for the future. 

Here We Are, 19 weeks..

I can not believe it, again! We've made it this far.. Today we are 19 weeks and 2 days with our rainbow baby. I want us to make it through week 20 because then I'll feel a little better but I know that the further we get the better. So my focus is on every single day but looking at week 24 and 25 as a goal and every single week after. Come on little baby, grow and be healthy!!!

Don't Judge Me

Something happens in your life and people are different around you, intentional or not. Some people will stick by your side and it won't matter what you've gone through, to them you are the exact same person you were before, those are the keepers.

Perhaps my feelings and how I view the world center around how I was raised or perhaps it centers around my experiences, it could be a little of both. Whatever it is I have been shaped by everything that has come into contact with my life and how other perceive me, even if I act as it doesn't bother me, matters.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

When I was younger and in with the wrong crowd (of which I was unaware they were that at the time), I sometimes had a flare for the dramatic. This all of course was a side effect from being rebellious, a growing preteen into a full blooded teenager.. Later in life some of my "friends" wouldn't take me seriously because I was just being "a drama queen", so I rolled with it. Why fight what other people say of you? Just embrace it, move forward and make it be a little joke even if it hurts inside.

Years later once I was an adult I was finally able to break free of feeling like I needed to be a part of something. I didn't belong, I was their handbag so to speak, I deserved better than that. What my group of "friends" had become were not what I needed, not what I wanted and not something that was good for me at all.

Now seven years later I look back and wonder why I didn't make better choices when I was younger. People still judge me to this day because of what they have been told, heard or what has rumored around about myself from "friends" I used to know. It hurts to believe someone you trusted could cause so much harm while calling you friend, knowing that person's words were trusted and taken as fact over your own. Some people just never grow up.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

It's not just people who are close to you who can damage you, cause you not to be able to believe in yourself, professionals such as doctors do it too. About fourteen years ago I met a wonderful man, romance was in the air and a young age got married after dating for about two years. That alone had people judging us but that is not what this story is about, it is about what happened after the I Do's.

It was two years after my husband and I were married we began trying to have a family and ran into a lot of speed bumps. My period had disappeared, diagnosed with having PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), other factors came into fact and our journey into parenthood was going to be quite the adventure. But through it all years later we finally were in a better place or so we thought, went to a specialist to help us conceive and hope all our efforts would work.

Given medications and an injection to help stimulate ovulation the next month my period had not returned, it had been regular now for at least a year. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test all negative but I was feeling different and my breasts were the first to feel the side effect of whatever was happening in my body. Finally the following month arrived and I began to have one of the worst experiences, I didn't want to believe it at the time but I was pregnant and the baby was being miscarried. I called the doctors office and they felt after my description of what was happening that it was just clots and couldn't be a loss, but if I wanted to I could bring in what I had saved after the weekend, examine things and run some blood work. I spoke to the office again one more time and was basically told it couldn't of been a loss as it was extremely doubtful based on my condition having PCOS that I could of been pregnant in the first place.

I wanted to give up, against everything I felt in my gut I convinced myself the doctors must be correct and that I was wrong. Next came a burial at sea and I let my "late period" ride itself out, took longer than usual and was much more painful which also was upsetting to me and reason to call the doctors office in the first place before the "clot" happened.

The palm of my hand, the size of this little object, years later after speaking with women who had been through loss and through my own research I know this was a baby. A miracle and our only naturally conceived pregnancy that never showed up positive on a test because something was wrong, before we knew what we had we lost everything. That doctors office I was a part of didn't take me seriously, didn't listen to me and didn't believe me so I didn't want to believe myself. I was judged and because of that never saw medical attention when in fact it may of helped answer many questions. I now know this doctors office wrote down a memo from a call that never happened in January once I followed up with them in February, perhaps it was a typo in their computer for the date, stating I wasn't pregnant.. All I know is that medically I can not prove what happened but I know in my heart and my mind it was all true. I now am in a place that is good for me and for the first time in a long time feel valued, I can trust them and that is comforting.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

I've experienced the judgmental words of people who I've worked with, strangers, family and friends. When I went through a major spinal surgery and the neurosurgeon left me disabled afterwards, people assumed that I could or couldn't do things but I proved them wrong and have continued to keep going. Losing a part of yourself big or small, an ability that so many take for granted and learning how to train your body all over again just so you can do something so simple as walking..  This is a big deal to the person experiencing everything but some of those around you will judge you, it can become discouraging.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Over two years ago my husband and I were expecting identical twin daughters. It had indeed been a roller coaster and after everything we had experienced finally invested our time and money into IVF (in vitro fertilization). This pregnancy did not come without it's complications and I was high risk the entire time. The office of doctors we went to left us in the dark about their concerns as to "not worry us until it became an issue". Oh how I regret not looking for another doctors office earlier but my insurance would only let me do so much at the time. Passed around from doctor to doctor and when we finally felt we could relax we were told something concerning, we needed to see a specialist because it looked as though our twins had developed TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome).

Of course there was no good news about what had developed over the course of 17 weeks. By our 18th week we had experience a laser surgery to separate the connecting blood vessels in the twins shared placenta because they had developed and had life threatening TTTS. Experienced while in the hospital had reactions to magnesium, had daily contractions, felt a days worth of kicks with each after knowing several quarts of fluid had also been drained to help with "discomfort" (of which I had none but who asked me..). Experienced a scare, our first loss, and ultimately after a horrible night with a bad reaction to a medication that was supposed to help with contractions (thanks teaching hospital), and while having no contractions at all so to speak since that prior morning; the next morning had another loss. Our world was shattered. It would not be until 18 days later our twins would be born as angels.

But this isn't necessarily about our loss and what happened, this is about how people judged afterwards.
Some were empathetic and upon beginning to share stories about our twins and what happened others opened up, let us know that we were not alone and not the only to experience a loss. Others were not so comforting in their words. I know now that some did or were trying to mean well but it did not come off as such at the time, in fact some of these words still hurt my heart to this day.

Here are some examples of what we heard from others after losing our identical twin daughters.
"It was God's way",
"Your twins were needed somewhere else",
"Next time will be the right time",
"They are in a better place",
"It just wasn't the right time",
"Because there were two of them they didn't stand a chance",
"One day you'll be a great mother",
"I miss the old you",
"You should just do something to take your mind off it",
"How long are you going to grieve..?",
"You weren't that far along",
"At least you weren't full term",
"They were still so little",
"You just need to stop trying and it will happen",
"Better luck next time",
"Karma.."

Karma? What did karma have to do with it? If karma was it then what hellish thing did I do in another lifetime to deserve the deaths of our twin daughters? What did I do to deserve the loss of our first child? What did I do in the past that I had to watch so many others have children that they didn't want nor treat well, while I could not seem to have any? Karma is not it even if I believe in karma, karma would not do this to a person who wants to be a mother.

We heard comforting words too and those who were just there for us, those who said "I'm sorry" and gave their condolences, those who allowed us to grieve how we wanted to, no matter the way of mourning or time frame. Those were the people who I appreciated and after a year of support from others I've met who've experienced loss, a loss like no other. These people and others who were there before, during and after our loss support us now at times when we need it most.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Fast forward to the present moment and we are just now 19 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, the child you have after a loss. "And after a storm came a rainbow." I know so much more than before. I have come to peace as best I can with my past and acknowledge all our children who are precious angels not here on earth. This little miracle of ours was conceived through IVF but transferred after being frozen, a much gentler procedure and I have not had the high risk pregnancy like I had with our twins with this baby.

Of course the unfiltered advice, words and comments still come with the territory because "I'll understand things better once I'm a mom", oh how I've grown tired of that line. Like I've haven't had experience with children at all apparently and I need to have this advice I'm about to be told. I've received advice about parenting for the past 20 years it seems, the past 13.5 of it since I've been in a long term relationship, married, a mother to angels and now an expecting mother to be again. I've been a part of so many lives and although I've never raised my own child who was born living on earth, I am still a mother. I also do know a thing or two about raising babies and children.

Some words do not bother me and in fact much parenting advice is welcomed. I just don't want people to judge me from my past and feel I can not do a good job as a parent in my present.

               ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Here I am.. "Judge less ye be judged" or so they say in books like the bible. Ever since our trying to conceive journey began and our struggle I too have become that judgmental person and anyone who says they don't judge others is lying. Perhaps we are not verbal about what we say but we think it. Better to be honest with oneself and realize that you are not perfect than try to be perfect and act above everyone else.

I am not perfect and I will happily take who I am over who I used to be. Yes experiences in my life have shaped me and yes I may judge; but I also try to breathe, think about others and how my words and actions effect those around me.

"Do not judge my path unless you have walked in my shoes" or however that saying goes. All I want now is for our happy beginning. It is within our reach and I dream of it every single day. I do what I can to be the best version of myself, even if I have an off day I try. This is just a part of who I am, please do not judge me.

For Your Health and Mine

Took my first big walk around the neighborhood today with my husband. Not quite a mile but a good distance. By the time we reached the top of our climb I was very tired, technically before we even reached it but I kept going. By the time I neared the house I began having those cramps around my abdomen as well as my back. Now relaxing having taken some ibuprofen.

The idea of me doing anything that could harm our pregnancy and this rainbow baby scares me but I'm trying to stay as physically fit for once baby arrives. Hopefully no more cramps soon and my body calms down. Learned that round ligament pains are contractions.. :/ That was not what I wanted to hear at my last appointment so taking the doctors advice when I feel them so my body doesn't stress too much. Plan to do more yoga in between days I can't get out of the house and walk. At least spring is nearing and of every day is like today then that's fine with me. 

Day By Day

On to a new adventure of sorts. This is something I've never experienced and taking it day by day. Speaking of days today is day 6 of our 18th week and tomorrow we will reach week 19. I thought I would be more emotional about it but perhaps I'm just saving my tears for the gender reveal party in about a week.

Made It Through

I never believed this day would really arrive. Well perhaps I did but there was a part of myself afraid, worried and felt it couldn't celebrate until we were past the two days with the twins. But here we are at 18 weeks 5 days and we've made it, still continuing forward and with the goal in the distance. I have hope now and going to try my best to remain positive and avoid stress.

So Here We Are

So here we are. Week 18 and 5 days. Morning of our big ultrasound and all I have so far is no kicks, thought I had heartburn for a moment but that quickly passed, and a slight headache. Just will have to stay positive and hope everything is and will be ok.

Yes people keep reminding me that this is a singleton pregnancy and different from multiples,.. But honestly that doesn't matter as I'll still have worry and anxiety until the big day arrives. Apparently all parents experience these feelings if they've had a prior loss, especially as far along as we were. 

The only reason I didn't use our Doppler yesterday was baby kicks. Been so muddled all the time that it took me by surprise when one super kick happened last night while sitting on the couch with my husband watching a tv show. 

Have so many dreams for the future and miss our twins so very much. Wish we would have has more time with them. Isn't that what every parent wants? What I will do is make our rainbow baby's life as wonderful as possible. All those moments I wanted us to have with the twins will go to our rainbow. All I ask often is for baby to just keep growing! Wonder how big we will be today. 

Reality VS Wishes

Sometimes I wish I lived in a world where I could just hide from the truth, act like it all never happened and just continue forward like the baby we are carrying is our first. But I can not lie to myself and I feel that is being dishonest to our children too, although they are angels they were all still alive once.

I have only said yes a few times in reply to someone who asks, "Is this your first?" I only reply yes to those who I feel will not understand when or if I say yes, our first earthly child.

What am I afraid of? I've been so open about our angels that there should be no fear in speaking what is in my heart. I've come this far, I need to keep going.

I promise you our dear angel babies to speak of you and when the situation arises I will be braver than before. I will not let your memories go forgotten, your lives although short are just as important as everyone else. It is other people who have a problem with the subject of fetal/infant and child death, not your momma.

All our children have been a part of me and for that I'm blessed, I just wish all our children had made it to term and beyond. We have so many hopes and dreams for our current baby, our snowflake rainbow due in August. Want to stay as positive, stress free and hopeful as possible for the best outcome!

18 weeks 3&4 days with our Rainbow

We have now been with our rainbow baby for 18 weeks 3&4 days, the same time frame we reached with our identical daughters we lost to TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome). My heart aches for our babies, for all our babies. We wanted so much for all our children and our rainbow may be the first to make it to the home stretch, we dream of a life with our child and to help raise them to be a wonderful individual.

I haven't used the doppler yet today although I want to, waiting, no idea why I'm waiting. I want both of us to hear those heartbeats tonight before our big appointment tomorrow at the doctors office. I need our hearts not to break and to feel light, hope, excitement for our rainbow baby.

Tomorrow will be a day we've never had before and how my emotions have been I surely will shed several tears. Tomorrow will be 18 weeks and 5 days... Venturing into the beyond and hoping for the best outcome and a life of memories together with our rainbow baby.

Wonder

I sit and wonder about the future. Robbed of what should and could have been a "normal" pregnancy with our twins, and never experienced what should have been with our first years prior.

I sit and wonder because is this really how "normal" is supposed to feel like?

The second trimester is so different than the first. I can go for hours now without feeling like I need to eat and then suddenly hunger hits me and I want to eat everything in sight. Who knows, perhaps this really is normal..

Sixteen weeks  now of beautiful life and just hoping, dreaming, feel like begging and praying that we make it to the home stretch where we should have been so many times before. They say forty weeks is ideal so let's shoot for that goal, August is our month and the eighth will be our finish line. Although if we arrive a few weeks earlier, as long as we are healthy, then I don't think we will mind.

I'm left with wondering, thinking about our twins and what should have been. Ok, I already said that but it's the truth. Something happened with our first baby when we were a few weeks along and that baby never had a chance, we never learned why either and has left me with regret. Our twins we lost from TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome) and honestly if the doctors had been more aggressive from the start then perhaps we wouldn't have lost them or both of them. It is the not knowing that aches my heart so often.

I need to make it past the point of losing our twins. Somehow we made it through the twins first years anniversaries and somehow we made it into the new year. Here we are only weeks away from when we lost our twins. I need us to make it past that point! I desperately need us to make it past eighteen weeks and four days! Our anatomy ultrasound is at eighteen weeks and five days and then days later we will be at nineteen weeks. I will hold onto that day in my mind and try my best to enjoy every single moment between now and then.

I wonder about the future with our rainbow baby. I want to see us make it there.
Hold on little baby. Grow, be healthy and stay strong!

Since November..

How do I begin? Perhaps I'll start from the beginning which would be in November but if I were to truly go back to the start of it all it began two years ago this August. That month in August 2012 our embryos were conceived through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), we had six who made it to cycle day 3, two were transferred and four were frozen.

We conceived identical twin girls the first time around and were originally due in May 2013 but lost our pregnancy half way through. Our twins had developed something called TTTS (Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and after a surgery to try and save their lives we lost them both days later in December 2012.

After our loss we knew there was nothing we could do but move forward. We missed our twins terribly and wanted nothing more than to have them back and to be pregnant again right away, those were bittersweet days, weeks and months.

Finally some time passed, we had been trying naturally for months with no success and decided we needed some help. Returned to see a new doctor after a seminar we attended and learned how they could help us with our remaining frozen embryos. Through out the process we also learned that in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) community, that a frozen embryo is also come to be known as a snowflake, we liked the name and idea as we often think of our twins as our snow angels.

We scheduled for a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) for the month of September and moved forward, unfortunately it was 2 steps forward and 100 steps back once we neared the finish line and were ready for our transfer that was days away at the time. We learned our embryos did not thaw the day they were supposed to, in fact not at all, we would have to delay our transfer and schedule for the next nearest time possible. The clinic we used for our FET took their embryos to cycle day 5 if you were not there already and ours were originally at cycle day 3. The timing of everything is crucial when you're having a transfer!

November was our next shot and we did everything all over again, this time with no hiccups and on the 20th of November our transfer took place and two beautiful day 5 embryos (otherwise known as blastocysts) were transferred. The other two were kept and watched as they were not growing very well, the next day we received the bad news that our other embryos did not make it. These two that we had inside were our last shot before having to start all over again.

The wait through Thanksgiving wasn't easy, in fact I had a moment of panic when I looked at myself before group pictures thinking, "..you have pregnancy glow, crap! they'll know!" But the family never suspected and after our joy of learning the first week of December that we were pregnant we could not wait to see our baby or babies on our first ultrasound on the 19th.

Somehow we made it through the first year anniversaries of losing each our twins on the 9th and 10th of December. I am sure had it not been for our rainbow baby I would not have been able to be so strong.

The 19th of December arrived, I remember how stressful that day was because things were so different with this pregnancy then with the twins. My ovaries also hyperstimulated during the fresh IVF cycle so that made symptoms stronger and more noticeable, also there were two babies, that makes a difference. The appointment time arrived and there we were just waiting, anticipating, in the same room we transferred in and got the best news possible, we were pregnant! We were pregnant, there was a heartbeat and from the looks of it only one baby. We didn't care if we were going to have one or four babies, we just wanted to know the baby was healthy and we were on schedule. Good news is reassuring.

Christmas arrived and our fun announcements began, oh how much fun they were and looking back wish we could have done things differently but how you picture it in your mind doesn't always turn out as you were planning for. All happy family members and what I enjoyed most were the reactions. I should have just had us come out and say it during diner or breakfast or brunch with family, as if it were a comment about the weather and wait for people's reactions. Can't do that over again but soon enough we will have a gender reveal so we shall see what fun ways we can make that announcement.

The first year anniversary of the day our twins were born arrived right after Christmas on the 28th. It was a difficult day for me, I remember so much and then so little because of the experience. We looked through an album of photos I had finally put together and looked at some keepsakes, like we did on their angelversaries too. We missed our girls but we were happy we had our rainbow baby. Bittersweet those feelings.

Days after the new year we had our first big scare. I was spotting and had abdominal cramping, woke up that day just feeling like something was wrong. Normally in the past, like with the twins, I would have just taken what the doctor said and relaxed or tried to; wait until the appointment with the doctor for an ultrasound. However we were in between doctors at the time and I didn't know what to do, I had to follow my instincts, my gut could not be wrong. There was only one option at the time so my husband drove me to the ER and after five hours, an ultrasound they wouldn't let me watch, images they wouldn't let us see afterwards apparently all due to confidentiality legality with the hospital; we were told that our baby looked fine but there was a sliver of blood by the placenta. Sliver of blood by the placenta!, that didn't sound fine to me and so with the recommendation we drove to the pharmacy to pick up Prometrium (a pill form of progesterone) just as a precaution until I was able to see a doctor.

A few days later I finally was able to learn that all the medicines I was currently on would be adequate and that I did not need to continue Prometrium, take it easy and follow up with my doctor. My "follow up" would be my first patient appointment so I still had a little bit of wait time before we would learn if we were truly ok or not.

My first appointment with the new OBGYN went well, he has a very nice practice, a good staff, kind nurse, and great practice; not to forget to mention that he is one of the best doctors in the state or so it seems thanks to websites like healthgrades.com We learned at our appointment that it did not look like there was any reason for alarm, no sign of blood so that meant it dissipated and reabsorbed into the body. I set up some prenatal appointments for ultrasounds and with going to a high risk doctor you're seen every two weeks with some pregnancies. I happen to fall under one of those so I got to have one other appointment for January before scheduling my two appointments for February.

February arrived and we had been having no other worrisome occurrences, finally in the start of our 13th week we were more than ready to announce. This here is an example of one of our announcements http://thoughtsofanangelmommyfotwa.blogspot.com/2014/02/announcement-we-have-rainbow-on-way.html.
So far there has been good growth and everything seems to be on schedule. Only minimal concerns and something to be watched through out the pregnancy. I have my days where I worry, this week will be 16 weeks and we were about half way through our 18th week when we lost the twins. But this pregnancy has been different, there is no reason for serious concern so far and with going to a high risk doctor he tells you the risks even if it won't end up being one in the future; I appreciate that much more than the doctors keeping us in the dark like with the twins. Knowledge is power!

Plan on using this blog to write about the twins as well as our rainbow, our beautiful baby to be, our snowflake rainbow baby. Hopeful for August and all the milestone moments to be between now and then. After our storm came a rainbow. Technically we lost one other but years earlier, and although never medically confirmed and early on we are sure that we still had a loss. We thought of and referred to our twins as our first but after losing them too it brought back many emotions, I could not deny the life of the child we had years prior any longer.

This August will be 14 years my  husband and I have been together, this October we will have been married for 12 years and trying for 10 years. We went through so much to get here but that's a story for another day. Our journey is not over, it is just beginning. Forever remembering and loving our three angel babies, Baby Bean, identical twin girls Apple Marie and Banana Lee. We hope that they are watching over as a guardian angel for their baby brother or baby sister to be. Looking forward to meeting our rainbow this August. We love you our beautiful angels! We love you our beautiful snowflake rainbow baby!

Never lose hope, sometimes hope is all you have.

Announcement! We have a RAINBOW on the way!

My husband and I have been a couple for 14 years this August. Our journey together continues forward as we add a new member to our family. Forever keeping our angel babies in our hearts and that they are watching over their baby brother or sister. There have been moments and we are being careful this time around, joyful as can be we happily announce to you all that we are expecting a baby, due August 2014. 

Hopeful that this year will be our lucky year with many dreams to come true. 

And to our snowflake rainbow baby, your daddy and mommy love you!!!

"Just Adopt"

Just Adopt they say.. It's not as easy as it sounds. 

Before and after the twins we got those typical comments like "why not just adopt" or "you can always adopt". As if adoption is such an easy process.. We all have that someone who knows someone who had a quick or easy process and was able to adopt, that doesn't mean it will apply to us the same. 

I too have often thought of adoption but due to my disability most likely could be denied right off the bat. So next time you think of mentioning something like this to someone who is trying, is infertile or just lost a child, do yourself a favor and don't say anything about adoption. Especially if you've not walked the path they have. 

Be mindful of your words and be kind to one another.

Happy New Year, better late than never..

So it's a late but still wished upon everyone for a Happy New Year! Hopeful for many positive and wonderful things this year for all I know! May this year be a great one for you!