Friday, June 28, 2013

Remembrance Of Our Snow Angels

Originally written for a special album that I had put together filled with pictures to remember our twin girls by. Here is a brief look into our girl's story, how they came to be and how we lost them. 

<3 <3
During July and August 2012 I underwent treatment which we hoped would successfully get me pregnant. IVF was done mid / late August and then we were in the two week wait to find out if it worked.

On August 30th 2012 we found out we were pregnant. Then September learned we were having twins. October and November we watched them grow. We were lucky to learn the sex of the babies too during our last few ultrasound visits. December we learned our babies had twin twin transfusion syndrome and would need a laser surgery to save their lives, without it would be fatal. So on December 7th we ventured forward and did the surgery. Unfortunately the surgery did not help.

On December 9th our baby girl Apple Marie Schwenke passed away. Before she passed she made herself known by strong kicks. I will cherish that feeling forever after weeks of bubbles and flutters.

On December 10th our baby girl Banana Lee Schwenke passed away. Before she passed she also made herself known with kicks. Not as noticeable or as hard as her sister but still there. I will cherish those kicks too.

Apple Marie was our shy little girl during ultrasounds but when it came to kicks she was quite a little kicker. We imagine she would have been our little sporty soccer player.

Banana Lee, also known by Nana to us, was our little dancer during ultrasounds. Always moving and wanting to steal the spotlight. Sometimes trying to punch or kick her sister too. We imagine she would have been our little princess ballerina.

I did not labor them during my time in the hospital when our girls passed away. So after Christmas we returned to the hospital to be induced.

On December 28th after 15 hours of labor and with 9+ hours of that being back labor, our Apple Marie was born at 11:20am and Banana Lee was born at 11:30am. It took another two hours to labor everything else.

We were able to spend time with our girls after they were born, hold them and make the few memories we have with them.

I was able to spend the night with our girls. And the next morning and day on December 29th we spent the final hours with our babies, hold them, and say our goodbyes.

On December 31st it snowed again, just like they day they were born, however this day we went to a funeral home to make arrangements for our baby girls.

Our baby girls are being cremated and will be resting in a beautiful urn that reminds us of them, white and beautiful like the snow.

One day, many years from now after both of us have passed away, we all will be reunited again.

Our beautiful identical twin baby girls that passed away too soon. Reminding us of them when the snow would fall on the day they would have been 20 weeks old on December 20th, then reminding us of them again on the day they came into this world on December 28th, and most recently reminding us of them again on December 31st. Therefore to be known as our Snow Angel Babies.

We will always remember our baby girls, never forget them, always will miss them and love them. We want to do right by our girls and honor their memory.

We love you our babies!!! Forever and Ever!!! ♥


Thoughts And Venting

Originally written on my facebook page for Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. On Friday, May 31st 2013. When I wrote this facebook post/note I still hadn't given our story a final finishing draft, even though it had been published on the All That Love Can Do blog. I was still so emotionally wrapped up in what I had written that I didn't see what I should have fixed before submitting it. I still take ownership because I wrote it. Words from the heart that were therapeutic and helped me heal a little more.

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I imagine that those that don't know me as well or even some of the few that do, believe that I'm not doing ok,.. That my page on fb, talking about our girls and wanting to start a website/blog in their memory and do things for others who have experienced baby loss, means that I'm not moving forward and that I'm not ok.. 

This is actually untrue as well as being true. I am forced to move forward even if I don't want to. With each passing day the past becomes even more the past, and the moment I am in is how I try to live as nothing I can do will make a difference or change the past. 

So, no I may not be "ok" and my days may not always be wonderful. I don't ever pretend that they are because I do not live a false life, I do not use false speech, and I do not do things that are untrue to what I believe in. I may not be ok all the time, I may have bad days, I may have better days, but all of those days does not mean I "need help" or "am not ok". I'm just being me. We all have our different days, if we were happy all the time or pretended to be happy all the time, could we really face ourselves in the mirror? I think not. It is natural for our emotions to take us in different directions, that is what makes us human. 

If I ever make people uncomfortable I sincerely apologize, that has never been my intent. I have my own way of mourning the loss of our twin girls who were a very BIG part of our lives. I have my own way of grieving and healing after the loss of our twin girls, who as far as we are concerned were not something so simply listed as "miscarriage" but were little human beings. Just because they weren't at the age where they are specified differently doesn't mean I don't feel like our twins were any less of the people that they were.

I despise the word "miscarriage". When I felt like I lost a pregnancy years ago that is something I would use the word miscarriage for because it was early on enough that it was too early to tell but late enough in my cycle I knew I was pregnant, even if for a short time. Something within the first four to eight weeks feels like you can call it a miscarriage, because that is a loss that happens more often than you realize. Late cycle that month? Faint positive line on that home pregnancy test? Then suddenly the new cycle begins and is unlike the "normal" cycles. There is a chance that you may have had what doctors like to describe as a chemical pregnancy, which just is a nice way of stating "early miscarriage".

So when is an appropriate time to state the passing of your child as "miscarriage"? When is an appropriate time to state a death as a death, or should it be that they passed on, or aren't viable anymore? They all mean the same thing more or less, it just depends on where you are emotionally to what you feel is best to describe what happened when you experience loss. 

I feel that doctors are often the worst as stating the technical facts that describe what's happening, what you don't want to hear like, "threatened miscarriage", two words we learned while still early along when bleeding suddenly occurred. Or to hear, "your baby is dead" plainly stated and then the doctor just walks out of the room. Just a dagger to the heart.

When I'm upset I may say that our girls died, that's the upset momma in me screaming from the inside when I say that. However when I'm less upset and able to think more clearly I say that our girls passed away. I like to think of their passing as more a peaceful thing than something sudden and horrible. Our girls were safe inside their momma's womb and then they passed away..

I have two dates in my mind when I think about our twin girls. There is their passing date and their angelversary date, which I also used to call "the day our girls were born into the world". The word "angelversary" is much shorter an word of the second date, don't you think?

At 18 weeks 3&4 days, about a week and a half short of twenty weeks and having that not so little word "miscarriage" would have been something else. Our daughters would have received a birth certificate / death certificate and would have been recognized as being people. It's all so very wrong as far as I'm concerned.

I end this moment of thoughts and venting with a few more things that are on my mind. I recently read about someone else's story, about their loss and their own personal thoughts about what have become common language in the baby loss community. Their frustration about the terminology around how we describe our babies who have passed and our hopes for new babies. While reading through their own personal views, which should have been listed as such instead of sounding more like fact than opinion, I realized that everything is still all too new, all too fresh, all too painful still for them. I don't judge this person, however I don't agree with them either. I remember feeling some of the same emotions back when everything was all too real and had just happened. There is a world of emotions that flood over you when you lose a child or in our case, your children.

All I can say is especially when you have a page, a website, a blog or any type of forum where you have a leader roll; that you never make it sound like you are stating a fact unless it is truly that, a fact, if it is your own personal thoughts or views then you should be sure to state it as such. Never come off sounding like you are better than others or know more than others just because you believe or don't believe in something. Never come off sounding like you grieve better than others because of whatever you do, did or didn't do. We all take our own time to heal when we have a loss, especially the loss of a child, that loss like no other.

To bring the focus back to where I began, yes I still actively grieve however doing all I do for my community at this page in memory and honor of our twins helps me heal. Being that I do still actively grieve for the loss of our twins does not mean that I need distraction, help, advice, or "something to do" because actually now, I do have something to do and for the first time in months I feel like my life has some meaning again. These are all good things.

I may notice the lack of comments, replies to what I write more often now than before because I'm in a better place than I was months ago. Which also may make me feel as though people don't care to read what I write and therefore don't read it because they automatically assume that it is negative, that I have "not moved on". Honestly that hurts that would be the automatic assumption if that's what they believe. 
It also hurts when I don't see as many comments as before because I do put a lot of work into what I do now, I put a lot of work into what I write. Like with the blog our girls story were featured in. http://allthatlovecando.blogspot.com/2013/05/apple-and-bananas-story-by-their-mama.html  It took me several hours to write that, and then the next morning I had two windows open on the computer. One window was everything that I originally wrote, and the other window was me writing everything out all over again, trying to edit it down, trying to shorten everything, trying to make it sound less broken up and flow well together. I then went over it two more times fixing all the grammar, spelling, punctuation, you name it, so it would be perfect. Reading it again I honestly am amazed that I wrote it. But very few have actually read it or said that they read it. Should I be personally upset, no I probably shouldn't, but I poured my heart and I let a big part of myself open to anyone who would read it. It makes me reconsider writing a book someday with our story and our happy ending, because if barely anyone reads our story about our journey to parenthood with our twins,.. You see where I'm going with this? 

This is why I have to end this post. I have too many thoughts sometimes. Days like this are where I have my inspiration to write. Perhaps I'm just not that good of a writer. Perhaps I am kidding myself. The only thing working against me is that it's been years since my college writing class, that I aced, so I'm out of practice but I still have the heart and the desire.

I know I shouldn't give up on what I'm doing, despite what others may believe or think of me. I'm ok enough and these days may not be my best but they are better. It's all about healing and moving forward as best I can. I shouldn't have to let go of our girls if I don't want to, I keep them alive in memory, I think of them often and how old they would be.. Because while your baby you had that learned out to roll, lift their head up, crawl, speak, walk, run, eat solid foods, speak entire sentences,.. Those are moments we will never get with our twins. I don't obsess about our twins, I don't sleep with their urn, I'm ok my friends, I'm gonna be ok. I'm just a grieving, healing momma.

Much love to all who have had to say goodbye to their child(ren). It's not natural to have to say goodbye, especially before you can say hello. Ever hear the saying, "when hello means goodbye"? It's an emotionally, heartbreaking moment. Much love to you all and all our angel babies.

My Thoughts And Information About TTTS

What I originally wrote on our facebook page at Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I am hoping we save some lives with providing information about ttts to expectant mothers of multiple babies. To be able to save the lives of other babies to me would mean that the death or our twin girls will not be in vain, that their memory will not be in vain. And that would truly be a miracle. 

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Today I'm going to be talking about TTTS (twin twin transfusion syndrome) again. 

PLEASE feel free to share this with others, especially if you know someone who is currently having a multiple pregnancy.

Did you know that TTTS does not just effect twin pregnancies but is something that can happen in multiple pregnancies with babies of shared placentas. 

Our identical twin girls were monochorionic , which meant our single egg split late during implantation. Our twins shared one placenta and had single separate sacs for each baby. 

Not all multiples develop TTTS or have this type of pregnancy, there are different types that should be watched closely when carrying a multiple pregnancy. 

As far as I'm personally concerned, if your multiple pregnancy falls into a particular category that could be at risk for developing TTTS later on (like a shared placenta), then you should address the potential problems now before it is too late! Please learn from what happened to our twin girls and don't let the doctors fool you, they know something could be wrong and don't want to worry you until it looks like it's gotten worse. In our case by the time we were finally told there could be a problem it was too late, within a week's time we lost our twins and were left with nothing but medical bills, broken dreams and shattered hearts. 

From about.com, a question is asked, "Can Triplets and Other Higher Order Multiples Contract TTTS?" and the answer is YES! Any number in a multiple pregnancy can develop TTTS, unless your pregnancy is not with identical babies. This is also something that effects a small number of pregnancies, however as far as I'm concerned that number must be growing and it's not just because of the advance in fertility treatments. This type of condition occurs when the babies are monochorionic, monozygotic, in identical pregnancies, formed from a single egg that divides.

This is what about.com says about TTTS pregnancy risks with multiples, "Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) is a condition unique to monozygotic multiples that share a placenta. Blood vessels within the placenta become crossed, resulting in an unequal flow of blood betwen the babies. One baby essentially becomes a donor to the other, recipent baby. It's dangerous for both babies, but does not impact the mother's health. Recent technological advances give doctors the ability to correct the situation with a special surgical procedure using lasers."

Laser therapy is the newest type of surgery for multiples who develop TTTS. In this surgery the doctor will make a small incision, and the instruments they use are small enough it does not hurt you or your babies to perform the surgery while inside your body. The laser therapy is done over the time frame of just a matter of minutes once they find all the blood vessels that they need to laser apart, to a matter of hours. Also something to keep in mind when the doctor is performing the laser surgery, those micro blood vessels that the doctor can not see won't be able to be lasered apart. There is always risk that ever after surgery there is blood flow between the babies and the fatal diagnoses you were told about before preceding with surgery, could still happen. 

If your doctor is not able to perform the surgery with the small incision then your doctor may need to perform a cesarean incision to be able to reach the blood vessels on the placenta, that is what had to be done in our case. A vertical incision was made, and the uterus pulled out from inside me to reach the placenta and laser apart the blood vessels. It takes a longer time to heal from this type of surgery and in my opinion it was not too bad of an experience and my scar is just a part of my body now.

So what causes TTTS in pregnancies? There is not a real easy answer. This is what aboutcom says, "The causes of TTTS (Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome) are not exactly known, but one thing is certain: there is nothing you, as parents, did to create this condition. TTTS is not hereditary or genetic. It is not created by environmental causes,nor by any action or behavior of the pregnant mother. TTTS is a random abnormality of the placenta, in which shared blood vessels in the placenta shunt blood unequally between the two babies."

So how is TTTS diagnosed? For our twins it was easy to tell there was a potential problem, from once they began growing more and more our little baby b was always a little larger than baby a, and finally it reached a point around 10-12 weeks to where I felt I could even see a little bit of difference in their ultrasound photos. It was at the specialty doctors office that we learned our girls not only had TTTS but were upgraded from Stage 1 to the 3rd and 4th stages of TTTS, if we didn't do anything it would be fatal for both our twins. 

About.com says this, "Ultrasound technology can be used to detect the development of TTTS (Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome) in a twin pregnancy. First, the determination of the babies' genders can help doctors establish whether twins are possibly monozygotic. Only same-sex twins (two girls or two boys) are monozygotic, except in extremely rare cases of chromosomal defects. Then, a doctor or radiological technician will examine ultrasound images to determine the number of placentas. When there is a single, shared placenta, further ultrasound monitoring will be conducted. Evidence of the development of TTTS includes:
discrepancy between the sizes of the two babies (one significantly larger than the other), too much amniotic fluid (polyhydramnios)in one of the babies, or too little amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios) in one of the babies."

"The severity of TTTS is characterized into five stages. The terminology is referred to as Quintero Staging, named for Dr. Ruben Quintero who developed the process for classifying the condition. They are:
Stage 1: Small amount of fluid detected in the donor baby, while a large amount is detected in the recipient baby.
Stage 2: Along with the symptoms of Stage 1, the donor twin's baby is undetectable on ultrasound.
Stage 3: One or both babies will show evidence of poor blood flow, a sign of a failing circulatory system
Stage 4: Recipient twin exhibits swelling under the skin and appears to be experiencing heart failure from the stress of processing the excess blood.
Stage 5: One of the babies has expired. Generally the donor twin is the first to succumb, but both are at risk."

There are always warning signs to pay attention to and now looking back I had so many but the doctors just kind of shrugged it off, yes I was a little overweight but that doesn't mean my concerns should not go unrecognized or be disregarded. What I remember most is the doctors we saw saying that it wasn't something to be of concern as of yet, therefore we never got the information, we continued forward, not realizing that we should have done so much more. Even though there is not much you can do when your multiple pregnancy develops TTTS, because honestly that condition is nothing that you did, it was just the circumstances of the pregnancy. I know, that's not a lovely thing to hear is it? But it's the truth. 

Here are some warning signs to watch for and if you have these during your multiple pregnancy, be sure to talk to your doctor immediately because you could be at risk for TTTS. About.com says, "Warning signs in the mother include: The sensation of a rapid growth of the womb, A uterus that measures large for dates,  Abdominal pain or tightness, or uterine contractions, Sudden increases in body weight, Hand and leg swelling in early pregnancy"

As well as there being warning signs that you should watch out for in your pregnancy when you're carrying multiples, there are warning signs you should watch out for when it comes to your babies, things you can try to pay attention to during your ultrasounds. 

About.com says this, "Warning signs in the twins appear on ultrasound scans and include: Evidence of a monochorionic or shared placenta, A single placenta, Same sex twins, and A thin, hard to see, dividing membrane"

Looking back at what we went through with our twins we had several red flags popping up all around us. Even though we were going to see a high risk doctor, our doctor was not a aware of everything having to do with TTTS risk factors and the original doctor we wanted to see was, once we saw that doctor it was too late. It all feels so wrong now looking back on everything that happened, like we were cheated somehow, the risks were there but we didn't do anything until it was too late. 

Of course it did not help that our babies were conceived via fresh cycle IVF, my history with PCOS, and that my ovaries hyperstimulated after retrieval of my eggs. All of these things resulted in a positive pregnancy, yes a wonderful thing, but I hyperstimulated causing quick weight gain, not too much at first but still weight gain as I had a lot of fluid in and around each my ovaries, ovaries the size of large grapefruits. Also during the pregnancy early on my uterus was larger, always was larger and in fact I was told before we lost our twins that I was measuring with a uterus the size of a women who would be 35 weeks pregnant, I was only almost 18 weeks at the time. I had swelling too, became more noticeable around 14-16 weeks when my hands, face, feet and ankles began to swell. 

Risk factors that should have been more of warning signs is that the dividing membrane between our twins was not always easy to see, obviously our twins shared a single placenta as well. So many things we should have realized were red flags, warning signs all around us, but we listened to our doctors who told us there was nothing yet to worry about. Oh how I should have just listened to what my gut was telling me, I knew something was wrong and could be very wrong, but these were our first after eight years trying to conceive, we didn't think we would ever have anything happen that would cause us to lose everything. 

There are warning signs that also should be paid attention to when learning the evidence, type of TTTS stage that is happening, about.com says, "Evidence of TTTS: Polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) in the sac of one twin, Oligohydramnios (decreased to no amniotic fluid) in the sac of the other twin, Size differences (discordance) in the twins, Hydrops fetalis (water in one baby’s body from heart failure)"

Most important is this that about.com says, "It is crucial for parents with a multiple gestation to determine their placental type early. With monochorionic twins, you should watch carefully for the warning signs listed above. Since TTTS is a high-risk problem that can happen quickly and at any time in pregnancy, frequent examinations and ultrasound scans are necessary to catch the problem early. Many physicians are unaware of the warning signs so your awareness is critical. THE FOUNDATION ADVOCATES WEEKLY ULTRASOUNDS WITH A PERINATOLOGIST FROM 16 WEEKS GESTATION THROUGH DELIVERY TO LOOK FOR PLACENTAL SHARE PROBLEMS AND TTTS."

If we only had learned more, read more, realized that our doctor wasn't noticing all the warning signs, maybe something could have been done to help save our twin girls. 

Something to keep in mind that if you have to go through this lasering surgery because your multiples have TTTS, and it is a Catholic or religious hospital, they may not end the life of one to save the other if one baby is not doing well, or has even passed away already. Many hospitals will not perform another surgery to surgically take the baby who has passed away to save the other. 

In our case with our twins we would have had to of gone to a different hospital to have our twins completely separated after our first baby died. Because we were in a Catholic hospital they could perform the laser surgery, but would not do anything else. I suppose anything after that the hospital will, "leave it up to God" or "it's in God's hands". Ok, having faith is one thing but when it's the lives of multiples who's lives are in jeopardy and doing something like removing a baby who has passed away so the connecting blood vessels that are microscopic don't cause the other baby to die as well,.. I believe in those circumstances something can be done! After all, if the hospital is all so pro-life, shouldn't they want to save the life of the living? It all seems so backwards. 

I do want to share the much of the information may have been from several searches online to be able to provide medical definitions, and from aboutcom, but information like this can also be found from the official ttts website at tttsfoundationorg

How can you prevent TTTS? From the official tttsfoundation website they answer that with this, "The early pregnancy events responsible for TTTS are in place before the mother knows she is pregnant, i.e., there is no primary prevention for TTTS. It is not caused by hereditary, genetics or by anything the parents did or did not do, nor caused by anything the babies are doing because they are innocent bystanders to events in their placenta."

That of course is standard information, however this is what interests me. Still from the official tttsfoundation website, "Recently, some investigators in Pittsburgh have taken research done by Dr. De Lia (in Milwaukee) on maternal malnutrition and its treatment in TTTS one step further. They started all mothers of monochorionic twins on aggressive nutritional therapy in early pregnancy, and found fewer and less severe cases of TTTS, when compared to a control group."

I've also read about bed rest earlier on in pregnancies that are at risk for ttts. So my advice to you if you have any of these symptoms, signs or risk factors for your multiples with developing ttts is : talk to your nutritionist who is in the doctors office for advice on what you should be taking and eating to help make sure you are getting all the nutrients your body and babies need; and the other part of advice that I have for you is to be on limited or light activity, if you are more high risk then I would even recommend complete bed rest. 

Bed rest in pregnancy also depends on your health, the state of the pregnancy and how everything is going. I was put on bed rest several times during our pregnancy with our twins and then would be told by another doctor we would see that I didn't need to be on bed rest. Very frustrating to be told be one to do one thing, and by another to not do it. 

If at any time in your pregnancy you are feeling uncomfortable with the doctor you are seeing or feel you should get a second or even third opinion, I recommend you just do it. The worst thing you can do is do nothing when you are worried there could be a risk, and you don't listen to your instincts and just stick with what you're doing and who you're seeing for your pregnancy; after all, not all doctors know what to look for and sometimes it's better to go somewhere else in these cases and types of pregnancies. 

I know this was quite lengthy today but I hope that the information provided will be of help to someone out there who has either experienced loss, and especially helpful to someone who is currently pregnant or just wants to be informed about what could happen in a multiple pregnancy. What I've learned is that there is never too much information that you can learn about your pregnancy. I would rather be too informed than not informed enough. 

Ultimately this is about what makes you most comfortable, you should do what is best for you and those multiple babies. 

If I can help save the lives by sharing our twins story, and getting the information about ttts out there to expectant mothers, then the deaths of our daughters will not be in vain, their memory will not be in vain. 

To save the lives of many. That truly would be a miracle.

I wish you all a gentle and peaceful day. Much love to all!


May 9th

Originally written on Friday, May 10, 2013

Poem I just wrote on my feelings for yesterday and how I feel today.

Missing our girls today.


'May 9th'

May 9th arrived and then it left
Tried to stay strong, we tried our best
Made our girls proud of their mom and dad
Even though our hearts were still aching and sad

In a different timeline you're alive and well
Keeping us up at night, diaper changes, another feeding
In another timeline you're hearts are beating
You're crying, screaming, laughing, breathing

But I can't escape the reality
This timeline is real and you're not in it to see
You no longer exist, no longer real
Can not move, can not feel

May 9th arrived and then it left
You should have been due by then
We tried our best
But now the harsh reality has set in
This future needs to be bright again
We miss you, the end.

(c) by Evelyn Schwenke

Thoughts That Became A Poem


Thoughts that became a poem..

Originally written on Friday, April 26, 2013 

I wrote this up early Thursday before the afternoon arrived. Have much on my mind these days.

Count your blessings, especially if you have children who are alive, count your blessings and hug them tight!!!!

Much love to all my friends, family and angel family!!! <3

Poem from Momma,..

"I can tell it's getting closer, your due date little girls, 
Because my heart keeps aching, and my dreams, they are so real, 
I keep wishing for a future filled with happiness, new children for your daddy and me, 
But I can't help but miss you both badly, I want you both right here with me, 
How big would momma's tummy be?, the question of the week, 
But these words to others, words to myself, I keep trying not to speak, 
No answers just a simple because of this, you girls passed far too soon, 
Every single passing day this momma is thinking of you, 
My heart, though broken, not just in two, still have love to give, 
And even though you're not here, my heart still beats for you, 
I dream for a dream one night someday, we are reunited, I can hold you again, 
Until that night, that someday, just know that I love you."

(c) by Evelyn Schwenke

Just A Moment

'Just A Moment'

Just a few hours, a few days, a few weeks,
Our precious babes were here with me,
Bringing so much joy to my husband and I,
Made this momma-to-be happily cry,
But then those tears turned bittersweet,
When our babes quickly earned their wings.

Just 18 weeks, three, four days,
A day dream now, a horrible nightmare,
You babes were taken way too soon,
We didn't get enough time with you,
And now it feels like we can not grieve,
Expected to move on and start again.

Our little kicker earned her wings,
Leaving her parents hollow hearted,
Our little dancer earned her wings,
Leaving her parents with empty dreams,
Now just empty arms and empty hours,
Our little darling babes, you both were ours,
Our little precious babes, you earned your wings.

Just a moment in time, looking back,
What happened, why, how can we not ask?
Many questions still, left wondering why,
More tears left remain waiting to cry,
Looking forward, still can't see the way,
Just a moment it took, you both were gone, those days.

Empty home, empty dreams, empty stroller chair,
Empty life, you babes were our one and only everything.

Just a few hours, a day, strong kicks were there,
But now I remain, not even a phantom of you there.

Empty celebrations, days that will never come,
While others have their babes each every day,
Wishing, wondering, why could I not be that lucky,
What did I do to deserve to have that ending?

So many lucky families raising theirs,
But if I were to talk of mine, I may raise stares.

Just a few hours, a few days, a few weeks you both were there,
Forever this momma and daddy will love you, your memory lives on here.

(c) by Evelyn Schwenke 03/18/2013

<3 For Apple Marie and Banana Lee. I will never forget you, do miss you, I love you, and wish you were here every moment I breathe. So many moments have passed already, moments in time that would have been joyous. Moments celebrating your lives that would be due in this year. Moments that we will never have. I hold onto the memories dear baby girls, for they are all I have left other than pictures and keepsakes. Though those material things can not replace what we have lost, they do bring comfort. Forever & Ever our sweet and precious baby snow angels. Your daddy and mommy will love you forever and ever. <3

18 Weeks

18 Weeks

Just 18 weeks that you were here, 
our little babes, not even 18 years. 
How can others know or realize the pain missing you, 
the tears left in our eyes. 

If we could have you back, 
we would take that chance, 
just to have you both, 
we would sacrifice, 
so much for you to have that chance, 
to make those moments grow and last. 

But it's just a dream, 
one that can't come true, 
we're left with only memories of you, 
wishing an alternate universe you're both alive, 
you'll get to have those moments, breathing, alive. 

18 weeks, Not 18 months, Or 18 years. 
If time stood still you'd still be here, 
but what good would that do, erase years? 
Just 18 weeks, Not 18 months, Or 18 years. 
I never get to see you babes grow up or have your golden years. 
This Momma's left remembering, crying loving tears. 

If someone told me I'd just have 18 weeks, 
I'd reply I wouldn't change a thing. 
I couldn't change the fact we tried for eight long years. 
We wanted you, how could we, 
you babes were our dream come true. 

If dreams came true so easy people wouldn't work hard, 
or be mindful, gracious, keep in mind, 
all the reward that life gives for your time, 
all the joys you hold, the sacrifice. 

It isn't easy that's why some are challenged more, 
ever so much more cherishing what life has in store, 
and when your work pays off you have your reward, 
valuing what you have even more. 

18 weeks, Not 18 months, Or 18 years. 
If time stood still you'd still be here, 
but what good would that do, erase years? 
Just 18 weeks, Not 18 months, Or 18 years. 
I never get to see you babes grow up or have your golden years. 
This Momma's left remembering, crying loving tears. 

Just 18 weeks, others will not realize the pain that sits and rots inside, 
because your hearts no longer beat, 
no longer you're alive, 
heartbroken years were taken from you, 
questions still asking why. 

18 weeks, Not 18 months, Or 18 years. 

This Momma's left remembering, crying loving tears. 

18 Weeks, © by Evelyn Schwenke March 11th 2012

Dust Covered Dreams

'Dust Covered Dreams'

Your life was but a miracle
You touched our lives and made us whole
We didn't even know it yet
But you were two and life was great

You both grew and grew before our eyes
And then we learned the big surprise
Looking forward knowing we
The happiest parents soon to be

But sometimes dreams turn into dust
All you can do is cry sad tears
Those future moments should have been years
But now we're dying inside
How do you stay alive?

We knew some risks could be ahead
The joys of your lives filled our heads
Seeing you both made us cry happy tears
It rested all our worried fears

First two circles that you were
Flickers of heartbeats, yes you were
From circles to our little beans
Then little aliens with buds of arms and feet

Then sometimes dreams turn into dust
All you can do is cry sad tears
Those future moments should have been years
But now we're dying inside
How do you stay alive?

You should have been our first born babes
But now you're gone and here we stay
It should have been a different way
We cry because your lives were taken away
Sad tears streaming down our faces
Wondering how to repair these broken hearts

Increased moments we saw you both grow and grow
From babies with buds to arms and legs
Looking more and more like our beautiful little babes
You brought so much joy to us seeing you wave

Disbelief how something so small could grow so fast
Every moment we could we listened to your heart beats, so fast
Our little dancer and our shy little babe
Dreams of parenthood sang in our heads each day

But sometimes dreams turn into dust
All you can do is cry sad tears
Those future moments should have been years
But now we're dying inside
How do you stay alive?

Then the fears were there when we learned of the concern
But hopes things would be ok, the ground it did shake
We knew the risks, we'd do whatever it would take
The future unclear but hopes kept us going through the days

Then we knew what we had to do
Formed a plan to save and rescue you two
The wait was long, surgery the only way
Dreams were dashing away but hope still there to stay

But sometimes dreams turn into dust
All you can do is scream through your fears
And when all your future dreams get washed away
Still crying, holding onto life to stay
But now tears just remain
Hearts broken on that day

Why oh why? These questions repeating every day
No answers till the moment you see them after pain
Worries of what awaits, blurry yesterday's
Not knowing when your life will feel ok

Dashed, torn away, dreams should have come true
Our little babes were taken from us way to soon
Still carrying the bodies that were you
Kicks on the last day, then nothing, our hearts broken in two

Why did our dreams turn into dust?
All you can do is cry sad tears
Those future moments should have been years
Why oh why? Now we're dying inside
How do you stay alive?

Dreams gone, heartbroken, our futures unspoken
We wish that you were here with us
Your Mommy and Daddy, do you miss us?
Your kicks made you feel so real
But now you're gone and all is still
I know we must live on
We miss you our babes
Heartbroken you're gone

We will always love you


(C) by Evelyn Schwenke December 22nd 2012

For our Apple and Banana We will never forget you Love from your Mommy and Daddy Forever and Ever