Our Story

Recently I had an opportunity to share our story on All That Love Can Do and wrote a rough version of our story. After cleaning it up quite a bit I also wanted to share our story for a book that would be published soon by Matties Memories on Facebook. I saw sharing our story for a book as a big opportunity as I hope to write my own book one day. The book that Matties Memory was writing would be in memory of her son and would include other people's stories too. Finally the book was completed and titled, A Walk Through The Storm. Versions of the book can be found on Amazon with digital and paperback options. Included in the book is our story, I wanted to share it with you all today in it's entirety. 

Our Story.

There are many roads to pregnancy, some short and easily traveled, while others are overly long and twisted. Our journey has been the latter. My husband and I had been trying for a child for over a year with no success. In the spring of 2005, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). We attempted anything we could think of to conceive. Both of us had physical screenings to rule out major physical problems. We both took medicines and vitamins, and I even had an injection to try and help stimulate ovulation. Every attempt failed us. Despite how badly we desired it, we never saw a single positive pregnancy test.

We continued trying naturally, but were still unable to conceive. We had looked into different fertility specialists in the area over the years, but either we were not satisfied with what we found or the circumstances weren't right for us. In early 2012, we were finally in a good financial position, and consulted with a fertility specialist we both trusted. We scheduled an IVF for August, both of us excited that it was actually happening. In July, I began the wonderful drug cycle that precedes IVF: a month of birth control, different injections that stop ovulation, others that help eggs mature, and a booster that helps follicle growth and maturity before egg retrieval. We were hopeful the entire time because all my blood work had come back normal, my tubes were clear, my uterus looked beautiful and pear-shaped, my cycles regular after all the years of irregularity, and I exhibited absolutely no sign of having PCOS.

Finally our day arrived and my eggs were retrieved and inseminated via the ICSI procedure. Out of all the zygotes they produced, six ended up looking perfect and the best two were scheduled to be transferred fresh in a few days. The remaining four would be frozen for the future. Embryo transfer was a relatively simple procedure and our hope grew when we were told by the doctor that he thought our chances for pregnancy were 60%. Then the two week wait began.

By August 30th we were nervous and excited. I went in for my blood draw and patiently awaited the call of our pregnancy test results. I met up with my husband for his lunch break and we made our phone call, anxiously awaiting the news. It was finally good; we were pregnant! For the first time in years, both of us were truly happy.

A few weeks later, I visited the doctor’s office while I was at the hospital for the second blood draw to ask about the symptoms I had been having. There is always a risk of hyper-stimulation of the ovaries when you have go through IVF, and I had been experiencing some discomfort. I was told that not only had my ovaries hyper-stimulated but that it was the worst case the doctor had seen and he was wondering why I wasn't experiencing intense pain. My ovaries were the size of large grapefruits. I found out I had OHSS, ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. For the next two weeks I was put on blood thinner injections, on top of my progesterone injections, along with increased intake of fluids, and a first round of bed rest.

At my follow up appointment, I was beginning to feel better, and while there we also had our first ultrasound. I remember seeing an area of black on the screen during my prior doctor’s visit but I was there for my ovaries that visit so that was not the area of concern that day. Finally the moment arrived and after my ovaries were checked, the doctor said "Ok, do you see this area of black on the screen, this is where your baby is" as she zoomed in. “Here is the baby, do you see this circle here and this flicker? That is your baby and the heart beat." And then a moment later, our lives changed. "... and wait, there is a second circle, you're having twins. I can't find the heart beat on the second baby so it's too early to tell right now but it looks like you're having twins." Our second amazing moment had happened. We had always secretly wished for twins. This news put us over the moon. We also learned they would be identical. The ultrasound sonographer labeled the picture we would be taking home with us Baby A and Baby B. I remember turning to my husband and saying to him, "Baby A and Baby B, our little apple and banana.” Our babies had nick names and we were so overjoyed. Our dream of having twins was coming true.

Weeks later in September we had our first real pregnancy scare. I woke up early on a Saturday morning with pain in the left lower part of my abdomen. Unsure of what it could be, I wasn't about to take any chances. After hours of pain I was directed to go to the hospital, and stayed in the hospital overnight for observation. I will never forget what our babies looked like on the screen during that hospital ultrasound while the sonographer was checking to make sure everything inside of me was fine; that machine had the best clarification and magnification we had ever seen. I was diagnosed with a cyst rupture. After that night of observation I was discharged and instructed to go home and asked to do another round of bed rest. Around this time we started using a Doppler to check on the babies several times a week, and fell in love with the sound of their fast little heartbeats. Before going to sleep each night, my husband would kiss my stomach three times; once for me and twice for them.

We had a second major scare in October: bleeding. By this time, we had been transferred to the care of a high-risk OB/GYN and learned our twins were monochorionic/diamniotic. While in the ER that day they checked the heartbeats, performed a quick ultrasound, and did a visual checkup. Everything looked to be fine at the moment. While resting, we were told that we had a threatened miscarriage. Neither of us felt that was an appropriate term for what happened, but the important thing was that the babies were healthy. After a third round of bed rest it looked like everything would be fine. Later that month we learned that there could be a risk of our twins developing TTTS (twin-twin transfusion syndrome). It is a condition where one baby will receive more nutrition than the other baby because of inappropriate blood flow, and each baby may grow at different rates, which is harmful to both of them. We were also told it was not a concern for us at that time.

November was the best month we had. We watched our babies grow bigger and bigger at each scheduled ultrasound appointment. There was a slight size difference between the babies but again were told it was nothing to be too concerned about. From little circles on a screen, to little tadpoles, to alien-like creatures with large heads and buds for arms and legs, they finally were looking like almost fully-developed babies with arms and legs. Our beautiful little pieces of us grew larger each week. We felt like we could finally relax; we were told the first trimester has the highest risk of miscarriage with multiples. Heading into the second trimester, the rest of the process should be much less nerve-wracking. We got our third amazing piece of news: that the twins were girls. Everything looked like it had fallen into place.

Everything changed during week 17. During our December 3rd ultrasound checkup we learned that there could be a problem. I could see the fluid around our Baby A wasn't as full as it was around Baby B, and because of that Baby A wasn't being allowed to grow as rapidly as Baby B was. We were told our twins had possible Stage 1 TTTS and directed to see a specialist as soon as possible. During stage 1 TTTS there is a notable growth difference between the babies, with less fluid around one baby than the other, and where one baby is larger than the other. The other stages progressively exacerbate these differences.

December 6th was the longest day we had had up until that time. We were ushered through multiple appointments, interviews, and ultrasounds, with people checking their heart rates, making measurements of bladders, measurements of the sizes of the babies, one after another. I could see visually that just between the 3rd and the 6th that there was less fluid around Baby A and I was told I was correct in my observation. Our twins were upgraded from the possibility of having Stage 1 TTTS to having Stage 3 and beginnings of Stage 4 TTTS. We were heartbroken, scared, and felt that without surgery our pregnancy would end in tragedy. For us, there did not seem to be any other options: all we wanted was the health and safety of our babies. The doctor recommended laser surgery to eliminate the problems in blood-flow between the twins, which would ultimately even out their growth rates.

On December 7th I underwent a surgery to try and save the lives of our babies. My uterus was the size of a woman who was 35 weeks pregnant. A small incision was made around the side of my belly to reach around the back of my uterus to laser apart the large connecting blood vessels on the shared placenta. The doctor was not able to be successful with only the small incision so he made a vertical cesarean incision across my midsection and pulled out my uterus to perform the surgery. He also drained several quarts of fluid to help with discomfort, even thought I wasn't experiencing any.

Highly medicated and resting after surgery, I began to have contractions. We were told this was a fairly common occurrence after an invasive surgery that disrupts the uterus. I was given more medications. After a time the contractions were finally gone, some of the medications were discontinued and I was able to relax for a brief period. However, later that night I began bleeding. The nurses came in to regularly check on the health of all three of us. The bleeding ended up getting under control, and each check of the babies came back fine.

Later that day on the 9th, our doctor visited my room to perform an ultrasound to check on the babies. Upon examination I could see some movement but it looked like our Baby A was sleeping. Our world shattered the moment the doctor told us that Baby A was gone. Her heart was not beating and there was no movement. Baby B was still alive. Our hearts were broken but we decided we had to stay strong for our Baby B. She was all that we had left.

That night wasn't any easier. I was given a medication that is helpful for women who are having contractions, but I wasn't having any at the time. We were told this was the standard procedure in this teaching hospital . The medicine made me feel awful, and I had a horrible reaction to it. I wasn't able to sleep, had difficulty breathing or feeling calm enough to rest and my heart rate was elevated all night. Baby B was still with us but her heart wasn't beating as quickly as it had during all our ultrasounds. The heart rates throughout the pregnancy were anywhere between 140-160 beats per minute. By the next morning it was around 118, but the doctor informed us that because it was just one baby the heart didn't have to work as hard any longer.

That afternoon, December 10, we had an ultrasound that was slightly abnormal, and the tech had difficulty isolating the heartbeat. During the second ultrasound check of the day, I remember the doctor on call coming into our room to check Baby B, and suddenly becoming very quiet. I could still see flickers of colors moving in the baby's heart, but the doctor said "I can't find a heart beat on Baby B..." and stepped out to get another doctor to consult. They both came into the room and looked at the screen, then we heard the worst news you could possibly hear after everything we had been through: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is dead..." They walked out of the room leaving us shattered, completely and utterly destroyed inside.

All of our hopes and dreams were suddenly dashed away in a moment, and we were beyond heart-broken. We screamed and cried as the realization that everything we hoped and lived and fought for had been taken from us. No words can describe that feeling. It’s a pain that no family should ever have to experience. My husband and I held each other in a dark hospital room for a very long time. During a follow-up check with our doctor later that day, we found out that our babies would need to be birthed, but it didn’t have to occur immediately. We chose to wait. I decided to leave the hospital as soon as possible.

For the next 18 days I had contractions every day, usually brought on by car rides but it seemed like anything would trigger a few bursts of pain. We decided before Christmas we wanted to have a fresh start to the year, and scheduled to come in for induction on December 27^th. I arrived at the same hospital where we lost our twins. Because I was nowhere near having natural labor, I needed several doses of medication to induce it. I didn’t get my first suppository until after 7 pm, and didn’t feel it begin working until late in the night. Searing back pains began occurring as the contractions became more frequent. By 5 in the morning, after lying awake and in pain all night, I decided enough was enough, and took one pain pill to help take the edge off so I could sleep. It didn’t help much, at all, and I feel like I got maybe five minutes of sleep. Once 7:00 arrived I needed something more for the pain because the back pain was excruciating. I had learned what back labor was. The nurses tried pills and morphine drips, but nothing was working. Eventually in my desperation they gave me an epidural, but even that didn’t seem to take the edge off my pain.

Throughout the haze of pain, I remember finally laying back and trying to relax. Around 11am, everything was a painful blur to me but my water finally broke and after that I felt the urge to push. It all happened incredibly fast after that. At 11:20am Baby A came into the world, 5.6 ounces. Minutes later at 11:30, Baby B, 7.4 ounces, joined her sister. After our twins were born it felt like something popped in my spine, as if the compression of them in my body and the back labor had prevented the medicines and the epidural from working all this time. Suddenly I could feel everything working, all the medicines and the epidural, and I began to go numb. Everything from then on was a blur to me. I was in for the real struggle now as I still needed to pass the placenta.

The placenta was larger than our twins were and I wasn't dilating anymore. Even though I was in labor, it took two more hours before the placenta was birthed. During that time, I lost so much blood, my husband was as scared as he had ever been. I was told that if it continued for much longer that I would be rushed into surgery and they would have to perform an emergency D&C to get the placenta out and a blood transfusion because of my blood loss. I reminded the doctors and nurses in the room that our doctor wanted the placenta to be sent off for examination and I wanted to birth it naturally if at all possible. A last-ditch attempt was given to me to push, and with a pair of forceps they were able to pull the placenta out. Finally it was all over.

When the medicines and epidural were beginning to wear off, I realized that my mother was there in the room with us. Our twins were in the cradle across the room but I wanted to have more awareness before I saw them. I was pale and weak from blood loss, and exhausted from labor and lack of sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep but I stayed up as much as possible to be able to try to eat and restore my fluids. It wasn't until around 6:00 that evening that we finally saw and held our babies for the first time. Looking back now I wish we would have done it differently, I wish we would have known what to expect, wish we would have done more, but we had no idea and were not prepared for any of this.

Our babies were beautiful, identical twin daughters. Apple Marie, Baby A, was born first, and her sister Banana Lee, Baby B, followed right afterward. It was all too real to bear. Part of us wished it was a nightmare we were both having, that we would awaken from it and everything would be ok but we knew the truth; our babies were gone, and had finally been born into the world and earned their angel wings.

I was able to spend one night with our twins in my room, I held them that next morning, spent as much time as possible with them, had every urge in my body to want to bring them back to life somehow but knew there was nothing I could do other than tell our beautiful girls how much I loved them, sing to them and hold them some more. I will never forget how their bundles felt in in my arms.

The days blurred together after that. We said goodbye to them for the last time on the 29th of December. By the 31st we were arranging for our twins to be cremated and by January 7^th, 2013 our twins came home to us in their urn on my birthday, a bittersweet moment as they were finally coming home, just not the way we had dreamed of. I still miss holding our girls to this day; months later I miss them and wish that my arms were not empty.

May 9th was possibly one of the most difficult days since the loss. This was our twins expected due date and even though we knew our twins would most likely have been born earlier, this date was still important to us. Mother's Day arrived and although we should have been celebrating as a family, we were parents to angels, with nothing but an empty nursery to mark the day. Somehow again I made it through with the support of my husband, who has been by my side every step of the way. He is my rock, and together we keep each other strong.

Now it's all about healing and moving forward the best way we can, one day at a time. I have no idea what the next set of anniversaries will feel like, August through December this year will surely be filled with so many emotions. What we hope for now is our rainbow baby, the child you have after a loss. To be honest, your heart is never the same after the loss of your children. You are never the same; your heart may mend but it's still full of scar tissue. The loss and love for your children is always there but that scar will always be a reminder of them. This is a loss like no other. We both have so much love to offer a child, and I know that we will be parents someday, and share our love, our lives, our home with a beautiful child that we’ll cherish forever.

Our baby girls were with us for 18 weeks. I do not regret what we did to try and save our daughters. I miss our twins every single day and not a moment passes that I don't think of our girls. I love them so very much, and some days it hurts to breathe and feels like my heart is literally breaking apart, but I keep going forward. I know our girls would not want us to live in grief and miss them not being able to live our lives. They would want us to continue on and have brothers and sisters for them to smile down upon.

To our precious and beautiful daughters Apple Marie and Banana Lee, your parents love you very much and miss you every single day. Please visit us on the wings of butterflies, send us snow flake kisses, remember that you don't need to cry rain drop tears but when you do know that we love you too, and sparkle on your little diamond hearts in the sky so we can see you both at night shining down on us. We will never forget you. Thank you for making me a mother. Mommy and daddy love you both, forever and ever.