Again, Our Story

I've wanted to write so much recently but didn't know where to begin.

Perhaps I should share our story again because I did today on our facebook page Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels.

This is what I wrote, I tried to keep it short but let's be honest here, even the short story is a long one.

"As some of you know, I am the admin of this page and it was created in memory of our twins that passed away from TTTS, which is twin twin transfusion syndrome. My name is Evelyn and this is our story. 

It was not easy our road to parenthood. Several different types of treatments, so many medications and finally injections that it took to help us conceive. After eight years of trying for a baby our dream came true when we learned we were pregnant on August 30th 2012. A successful cycle of IVF from a local doctor in the St Louis area. Our future was bright and we were looking forward to every moment. 

I'll keep to the main points of our story otherwise it becomes rather long. By September 2012 we learned we were having twins. My husband and I had always dreamed of twins and we knew because of my family history there could be a chance, but identical twins, that was a unique miracle. While watching flickering heartbeats on the screen and the labeling beginning for the first time, baby A and baby B; I turned to my husband with happy tears in my eyes, smiled and said, "baby A and baby B, our little apple and banana". After that the names just kinda stuck. 

Later in September a cyst rupture and then bleeding in October, the first few months were frightening but our twins were striving and growing. November was our best month, we watched our children grow before our eyes with each ultrasound appointment. We learned we were having girls, a dream come true, but wanted to wait until December 20th, our 20th week to announce the big news of girls and also that we were having twins because most did not know there were two. But the time arrived when we feared for the worst, being told December 3rd 2012 that we could be at risk for TTTS and needed to see a specialist. 

December 6th was the longest day possible. So many different scans, measurements, ultrasounds, things were not adding up and we needed to act quickly otherwise it would be fatal for our babies. Stage 3-4 TTTS was diagnosed and we were in surgery the very next day on December 7th. We were in surgery for hours, once out of surgery on magnesium and medications to help with pain and often with surgery, contractions. 

By Saturday the contractions had stopped but a scare happened when I bled. Ultrasound confirmed everything was ok, both girls were doing well and striving. This moment would be short lived. While in the hospital during surgery several quarts of liquid were removed so for the first time I could feel good solid kicks from both girls. I had a day of kicks with each. For that I'm thankful and also miss every moment. 

On Sunday, December 9th 2012, in the later afternoon we learned the worst news, our precious baby A had died, "there is no heart beat, I'm sorry". Left with tears and screams of sadness, fear for losing our baby B, we tried to hold onto hope while grieving for our baby. 

By the time Monday, December 10th 2012, arrived after a terrible night with an allergic reaction to some medicine they gave me, claiming to help with contractions of which I no longer had, by morning I felt better but had only a few hours of rest. Our heart rates were elevated all night long and the extra stress on both our bodies could not have been good. 

Monday afternoon we had our ultrasound, kicks had been scarce but right before the doctor arrived my husband and I were able to feel a flutter of kicks right by my belly button. I did not know those would be her last kicks. I rested on the bed and we looked at our babies. I could see flashing, moving colors in her heart but in emotion was not paying attention that she was not moving and our baby B was such a ham for the camera too. The worst thing to hear, we heard it after a second doctor confirmed what she was seeing. After they told us the news they both just walked out. That hurt even worse because there was no, "I'm sorry", just left. In tears, screaming, crying, wanting to go with them and knowing I could not, all of the emotions overwhelmed us and we just sat there heartbroken and empty inside.

I left that day because I had been given permission to leave with how I was doing. I couldn't stand to be in the place where our babies died any longer. I wanted to go home. The person that left the hospital that day no longer was the person that lived before, the day our daughters died, a part of myself died along with them. 

Forever changed. I was a zombie for the next several weeks. It took me a while before I felt comfortable enough to begin sharing what happened. And the worst thing we had to do was let everyone we loved know that we had to have a life saving surgery, that it didn't help, that it was twins, they were girls and they were dead. People often don't know what to say after the death of a child happens. We've heard it all and what people say effects me one of two ways, either it is comforting or it is hurtful. The words that are a dagger to my heart usually are unintentional, so I try not to hold it against who says it. 

Contractions every day after we lost our girl. 18 days after our twins died I gave birth to them naturally, something I was told I may not be able to do because of my health history. 17 hours and most of which being back labor our babies were born. December 28th 2012 at 11:20am arrived Apple Marie at 5.6 ounces, minutes later at 11:30am arrived Banana Lee at 7.4 ounces. It wasn't until that evening we were able to see them. 

The medications and epidural did not work, first time the doctors had seen that happen, after our twins were born it was like something popped in my spine and everything rushed through me. It took me two hours after laboring the twins for the placenta to be birthed. The amount of blood loss was not good and almost was rushed into emergency surgery with a blood transfusion. I became anemic but would not learn that until my office visit in January 2013 after weeks of feeling weak. 

Before the new year we were at the funeral home making arrangements, our daughters were cremated and returned to us on my birthday. January 7th 2013 was a bitter sweet day but our girls were home, just not as it should be. 

It took me months before I felt comfortable sharing our story with others. I have taken every path of support possible during our path to healing. I decided in the future I wanted to create a page in memory of our twins and after being victimized by a fake angel mommy who had a fake page with lots of promises of gifts to help others, enough was enough, it was time to create our page and give back. 

When my husband and I got our memorial tattoos done someone in the shop asked the artist a question while he was working on my piece. "Fruit of the loom?" he asked, and our artist replied, "It's a long story". But in my gut knowing later I should have replied with, "no, this is for our fruit of the womb". There it was, a name, it was perfect. 

To honor our twins and spread awareness about baby loss and TTTS our page was born, Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. Since the time this page was created I have done everything I can to honor the memories of other babies who have passed away too soon, the lives of much wanted babies who became angels. Everything I do now is in their memory, I want to give back to others just as so many have given to me. 

The greatest gift our daughters ever gave me was making me a mother. It's not the life I want to be living but I'm doing the best I can considering the circumstances. 

So I realize this is a longer version that I hoped to write for our story but it's shorter than it could be. I didn't want to leave anything out even though I did. 

Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote.  Much love to you all and to your precious babies with wings. I know not all of us believe in angels but what a better word to call this beautiful and amazing life that is a part of our lives so briefly. What a better word to describe this child, than an angel. Touching our hearts and making an impression on us that we forever remember them by. 

I'm so thankful for our babies, our twins, our beautiful, identical daughters, our Apple Marie and Banana Lee. Momma loves you baby girls, forever and ever!!!