Attachment

  "We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of driftwood, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off limits to others. We're willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea."

 

~Pema Chödrön

Sometimes we don't want to let go. Attachment is something we all experience. 

Months ago once I realized and had awareness of what I felt and why, it was easier to continue on day by day. It's like I had an awakening of sorts. Then the moments didn't feel so sorrowful and I didn't sink into depression any longer. I was still sad that our babies were gone but was aware of how I was feeling and wasn't going to allow that feeling to overwhelm me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I had not had my awakening how far down the road I would have gotten. I believe I'm stronger than I realize. I don't need to worry though. I understood why and what I was feeling. Then suddenly it's like weights were lifted from my chest, I could breathe again. 

After a long cry one night that I could not stop I awoke the next morning. Sometimes I still wish I wasn't so attached to our children but I am. I'm ok admitting that, I'm not perfect.  It's difficult to let go and continue to live. Finding a peaceful place in the middle between attachment and separation. Somehow I will do what I can to survive and move forward. 

Should Of, Could Of, Would Of's

Have you ever heard the expression, you know the one, people say you shouldn't talk about the "should of, could of, would of's" because it does you no good because what happened is in the past. It doesn't change anything talking about what you want to.

I find myself asking those questions and my heart is aching so much thinking about what I should have done when first awaking from our laser surgery we had to try saving the lives of our twins. I was far enough along that laying on my back couldn't of been good for the babies. I read in so many books about how it's best to lay on your left side for circulation, but as long as you're not laying on your back you're ok.

Being so worried and heavily medicated I laid on my back almost the entire time after the surgery. I had a very large c-section scar too so it hurt to lay on my side. But I should have made myself lay on my side for the girl's sake. What was I thinking? It couldn't have helped them.

Looking back I'm sure that the doctors and nurses knew what they were doing. I wasn't laying completely flat but because of what I'm physically limited to wasn't able to get up or move around much either. It turns out some medications that help with contractions mess with my nerves to the degree that I'm unable to walk.

Now with everything I learned last December I'm better prepared for the future. Like how magnesium doesn't suit well with me, how the medications they give you after being taken off magnesium that sometimes help control contractions have a really bad allergic reaction for me. I've learned that an epidural doesn't work on me when having low back contractions and back labor. I've learned how painful it can get and that I'm able to endure through that pain. I've been through labor and given birth naturally, I know I'm physically able to achieve that when others believed it may not be possible due to my health history.

Knowing these things does not give me peace. In thirty days it will be the anniversary of the day we learned we were pregnant. I'm still healing from this tremendous loss, we both are. Just hoping we can get the message out there about what people can do when they are expecting and provide support before, during and after pregnancy, birth and loss.

Our facebook page is just the beginning of what we hope for in memory of our twins. I know it's not impossible but it would bring warmth to my heart if we reached 500 likes by August 30th 2013. That would mean that half of one thousand people would know about our twins and that their story, their lives will not be forgotten. It's important to us that people realize that to us our twins were everything, we will remember and love them forever.

Momma loves you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!!

Video Game Life

I shared a thought I had on our facebook page Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. That it's too bad life can't be more like a video game. Perhaps a message could pop up or you would just keep trying over and over again until what was meant to be happened. Similar to the movie Groundhog Day but not.

It would be nice to know if and when things were supposed to be, yes it would take the mystery out but then just having the knowledge of what will happen could help ease the heartache. Perhaps then we would have realized we weren't meant to be earthly parents and then know our journey wasn't over yet.

Watching my husband play video games where your character never really "dies" in the game, you just keep starting over and over again until you're able to do it right. Unlike the games of the past where you would have so many chances, so many lives and then the entire game would be over.

If life was like a game and we could just get to start over again and again would people really put forward an effort? Maybe not. So my mind wonders on the "what if's" like always. Wondering when we are meant to be parents to earthly children. Remaining forever hopeful.

New Cover Photo FOTWTTTSA

Sometimes I enjoy a night to myself and work on something creative. Recently found my old graphire tablet and decided to re-work our cover photo for our page at Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. As the artist who created this I'll always see room for improvement but I do like the way it's turned out so far. :)

Be sure to visit our facebook page at www.facebook.com/fruitofthewombtttsangels and like us! Thanks!

Vivid Baby Dreams

Why I have so many vivid baby dreams I do not know. Or why I have so many vivid dreams at all I do not know. They say creative people have more dreams.. I believe that's true because our minds never want to shut off..

The Unknown

I venture out into the unknown and don't know where this future takes me. I search for answers but all I have are questions. Hope is what keeps me going. Wanting to set a good example for our children, who are angels. I know that's odd but why shouldn't I want to believe that our daughters are watching over their parents until we are reunited once again. It's comforting and not in a biblical way, just in a way that helps bring me peace during this continual time of mourning.

I want to be the type of mother our children can be proud of. Set a good example. Bring up our children in a household that loves each other, speaks the truth, doesn't fight, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, is giving and caring towards all life. What more could a person request as what they hope for and want to achieve in their lifetime as a parent? I don't believe that's wanting or asking too much.

I have always had big plans for when I become a mom. All the vacations we'd plan together as a family. Our fun day trips around the state of Missouri and Illinois. Visiting family, because we'd have a little more time and good reasons to come and see relatives. "Oh, you have to see our oldest, you won't believe it but they are about to hit double digits.." Any reason to see family or friends will do.

Right now we have many friends who have families and we don't get to see people often. Back ten and more years ago we had quite a social life, actually we still had quite a social life even seven years ago. But that all changed after my 2nd back surgery, disabilities do limit social visits and also help you realize who really cares about you and is there for you during your time of need. It's a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I did then instead of now.

I look forward to having get together's with friends who have children so that our kids can play while us parents visit. I remember when I was a child that was one of the best things having parents who got along and enjoyed chatting. That meant when it was time to go home for the day after hanging out we could visit for longer because our parents were enjoying the company in the other room. Hoping our parents would forget about us kids, which never happened of course, but it did give us an extra fifteen minutes to one hour longer to be together.

I've been in this strange place, this state of limbo since our twins died last December 2012. I'm a mom in ever since of the way but I'm not a mom to living, breathing babies. It's a difficult place to be in because not everyone can relate to you. I feel that urge, that responsibility to do things and I've slowly been getting there month by month, but I lack the motivation I would have had had our daughter's lived. I want to do so much while I still have time but now due to the charity and pages on facebook, being there for others, and mostly the graphics which take time, that is usually what I do in my quote "free time". Just need to get myself on a set schedule like I had back in the day and I'll be able to better organize my time in the day.

For the first time in my life since becoming healthy and losing all the weight, I have had an issue losing the baby weight. I've tried everything I can think of, aside from running on a treadmill for five miles every single day, which I can't physically do and we don't own a treadmill yet. I want to get my pre-baby body back. Honestly I do realize now that reaching my overall weight loss goal probably will not happen in this lifetime. It's still a number in the back of my mind but I won't worry about the pressures of getting there like I used to. All I want to do is get my body back to a weight where I was happy and felt like I looked good. For me that weight is about 30-40 pounds away right now. Slowly but surly I'm getting there, just not as quickly as I'd like.

Well here I am, this is me, venturing out into the unknown with no idea what will happen. Perhaps it's better this way.

What This Future Holds / Karma..

No idea what this future holds. Just worried, anxious, and want the past not to have happened. Want to be a mother to living children. What did I do? This can't be karma. If it were karma our babies would have lived forever because I've done nothing to deserve what happened. My heart is heavy. I want to cry but my chest won't let my heart feel what it needs to for my eyes to let the tears flow. Holding it all in and it hurts even worse because it that. Feel alone. When will we get our happy ending? 

Stress

Stress causing all sorts of things. Anxiety about the future. I'm supposed to be a mother. I am a mother to angels. I need to be a mother to living children. This hole in my heart feels like it's growing, not becoming smaller. Hopeful for the future and very unsure of what that will be. Just want to be a mom. That's my dream job, to be a mom and raise our children. 

All I Wanna Do

All I wanna do is have a dream about our twins. I don't feel that's too much to ask.

Wings Of A Butterfly GIVEAWAY!

Our 3rd Official Giveaway by Thoughts of an Angel Mommy and Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels. 

Known as our Wings Of A Butterfly Giveaway, (in memory of our twins). 

~Please USA Only
~You must be related to a child who has passed to enter this giveaway. (For example: mother, grandmother, aunt)
~The baby must have been of gestational age to the first year of life to be eligible to win. 
~Please enter only once. 
~For this giveaway we will have 8 winners.

To enter this giveaway: 

~Please be sure to LIKE our Facebook page Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels, if you've not done so already. 
~Also, please LIKE our FB page Fruit Of The Womb Angels, since this giveaway is also sponsored through FOTWA.
Our website for our charity can be found at www.fruitofthewombangels.org

~Once you enter, please share our giveaway if you are able so others know about pages, charity and giveaway. 

~To enter REPLY to this blog post with the following information:
 ->Your email address and Name, Relation to the Angel Baby, Angel Baby Name (or nick name) and Age (gestational to 1 year old)
->Please let us know that you have liked our pages and shared our giveaway.

Thank You and Good Luck!

If you happen to be one of our lucky 8 this is what you will be winning!

**These are examples of finished butterflies, as each is unique.

You are welcome to share our page and this giveaway as often as you like. Giveaways winners will be contacted via email. You are not eligible to win if you are not a fan of our page and have not followed the guidelines listed for this giveaway, so please be sure to read carefully when entering to win. If you are a winner from a prior giveaway, we ask you to let others have a chance to win and wait until the next giveaway or next month to enter again. Entry depends on how often we have giveaways. Thank you for understanding. **Since our last giveaway was in June all are able to enter in our current giveaway. This was mentioned as it applies to all past and future giveaways.

Our Wings Of A Butterfly Giveaway will run for one week, starting on July 24th 2013 and ending one week from today on July 31st 2013. 

Past giveaways can be viewed on our website at www.fruitofthewombangels.org

As I Awoke

Then as I awoke our Facebook page for Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels had 17 new likes! It was amazing!

Giveaway being posted this morning and we are well on our way to reaching our goal of 500 page likes. This means we will be able to do our big giveaway in memory of our twins on August 30th. The day we joyously learned we were pregnant after almost eight years of trying. 

Tear Drop

Today a tear drop fell down my cheek when I thought of you

Many more I'm holding back because I'm trying to stay strong

Not broken in two

Short poem from yesterday, July 23rd 2013 by me, Evelyn Schwenke

In Acknowledgement And Recognition Of Life

Sometimes even the admin and owner of a charity needs some acknowledgement and recognition of the lives of their twin girls. Our daughters were real, important to us and forever in our hearts. <3 Here is a certificate of sorts... Will post an official one soon in picture.

Even though we may be apart

You will forever be living in my heart

My beautiful baby, my angel

My fruit of the womb

In memory of 

Apple Marie and Banana Lee

December 9th and 10th 2012

In acknowledgement and recognition of life

for me, Evelyn Schwenke

from Fruit Of The Womb Angels

& Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels

Letter To Our Babies

Dear Apple & Nana,

I know I usually write your full names but today I'll use nick names. I think about you girls every day, every moment it seems at times. I just can't believe you're not in our lives. I need to get rid of those email reminders, like the ones that tell me how old you currently are. I don't need to be reminded that you'd be over two months old right now if you had made full term. Life just isn't the same with out you.

I'm beginning to despise the few who say comments like, "oh you're so lucky you still get to sleep it and stay up late..." Those hurtful comments like that. Yes, I'm so lucky *sarcasm*, so lucky that you babies died! *sarcasm over* Back to reality. We are NOT so lucky! I'd rather be fighting insomnia and staying up at night rocking you twins to sleep or even you our precious Nana, after your sister died and we had you in our lives for one more day,.. We would have given anything to at least have you in our lives but you couldn't live apart from your sister and you died too.

Hearts still broken and picking up the pieces. I just don't know exactly how to be me with out you girls. You defined me, you made me a momma, you healed my broken heart from being infertile for so many years and you were going to be the start of our family. We were looking forward to everything the future had to store. When you both left day by day everything we knew and loved was shattered and taken from us. Why did TTTS have to kill you and take you away from us?

So many have their families. So many continue to keep their baby and get to hold them after a live birth, for years until they finally pass away from old age. This is incredibly upside down.

I miss your flutters and your kicks. One day of good solid kicks isn't enough. I was left wanting and needing more. Both your mommy and daddy were. We miss everything about you girls. The cravings you gave me, I even miss the heartburn and nausea. All the symptoms meant that you were here with us and it was really happening. Now only left with memories, what photographs we have, what we had gotten for you both like the bouncers, baby baths, matching outfits, and keepsakes. It's not enough, I want and need more.

I know I feel like many mommies who miss their baby after they lose them. I just don't know how to be sometimes. I feel weird. Life is out of place. I'm proud to talk about you but then I see the look on the person's face I'm talking to and I feel hollow inside having a difficult time continuing forward in conversation. Why is it ok to talk about living babies, or relatives or friends who have passed away after living their lives, but it's taboo to talk about babies who have passed away? Just not right!

I know with our charity, the blog, the facebook pages and everything we are doing in your memory it is helping me be able to talk about you girls more often without hesitation in my words. I find it easier to talk to a complete stranger than family or many friends. Why is that baby girls? If mommy has ever said that no, I don't have any children, I apologize with all my heart to you both. I have done you wrong by not acknowledging your lives. When asked I will try to be strong with my answer when I say I have angels. When we have children in the future I will say we have how ever many that we do, be it one, two or more may be earthly children, but my answer will include you girls in it. Years ago we feel that we did lose another baby but never getting medical confirmation afterwards there is no true answer to if that was real or not. I acknowledge you too our Baby Bean. It's like my memory wanted to forget about it because it was so horrible but I do believe that you were real and it really happened.

This letter to you has turned into a mess of words and I just feel like I'm falling into sadness because I miss you both so much. You both made me strong, you kept me accountable, your cravings for fruits and veggies had me the healthiest I've been in years, I miss everything about you babies.

I always say forever and ever because that is how long I will love you and remember you, miss you and have you in my heart. I know that you both know that. I feel like I really need you both to send me a sign, send both your parents a sign. It has felt like you haven't been with us for some time and we need some comfort.

Thank you baby girls, our beautiful identical twins, for being a part of our lives. We had you for half your gestational lives. It will never be enough but at least it was time.

I love you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!! <3 Forever and Ever baby girls, forever and ever! <3

Love, your mommy

Until we meet again my loves.  

Giveaway Time Almost Here!

Planning to have a giveaway as soon as our facebook page for our Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels reaches 350 likes and if we can reach our goal of 500 likes by August 30th we plan to have a BIG giveaway!

Will be posting a link on our website www.fruitofthewombangels.org once we have reached our goal and the giveaway will be run through our blog here at Thoughts of an Angel Mommy.

There will be eight winners for this giveaway and I'm so looking forward to this giveaway! :)

LA View

Created this for my facebook cover photo yesterday. While on our vacation to Los Angeles California we needed to feel like our twins were with us. We miss them so much. All the places we dreamed of going to as a family, all the plans that we had for the future, one that will never be because our girls died from TTTS. :(

Why?!

My heart, oh my heart. I miss them. Why should we have to start all over again? This isn't fair or right or how it should be.

Why does this have to be our reality? What makes us stronger than other people? What makes others deserve a family while ours die and leave us empty?

I feel so lost right now.

Doing things for others does help my heart, no lie, but I've been ignoring my feelings and my heart has been bottled up while being there for others.

I feel like a need a day, week and month away from it all. But I can't, I won't, I feel responsible now for so many. It would feel wrong to not be there for our charity and not be there for our pages. I do so much more now than months ago. Life has more meaning and purpose now. It's a good thing.

I wish my heart could be healed. We need our rainbow baby! I believe both our hearts would begin healing if we only had the future of another child to focus on.

Trying to hold onto hope. Despite the fact that my heart is wanting to break right now.

You're Just A Dream, Someday Baby

Just A Dream, Someday Baby

You're just a dream
Something I see
But I can't touch you or hold you near

So far away
Want you to stay
Heartbroken still, wanting to beg and plea

For years you have come around
We've walked side by side, from town to town
A little girl who looks just like me

So smart, beautiful, talked for hours and hours
You weren't theirs, you were ours
When will we meet you? My hopes to be
Our miracle, rainbow baby

Day dreams often calling my name
Taking a toll, washing away
The fears I have and my anxieties

Wondering what tomorrow holds
Hoping that this nightmare quickly goes away
We need some sunshine after all this rain

Come now our sweet little babe
It is going to be ok
Are you ready? You're parents are
Time to have you, make you ours

No need to worry, be afraid
We've wanted you before you were born
So rest assured, you're already loved
For now we're waiting
Our someday baby

(c) by Evelyn Schwenke, July 21st 2013

Better To Not Think About It

Better to not think about what you don't have than what you do have. Nothing is helping ease my mind today. My  heart breaks for those who have lost their children but then I can't help but feel pain in my heart when I learn about some who has multiple living children while I have nothing but angels. I am sure it is something many feel and for that I'm not alone in my thoughts. But I feel horrible for thinking those thoughts at all.

Dreams That Keep You Guessing

Honestly I wonder what my subconscious is thinking sometimes while I sleep. This past week and this weekend I have had baby dreams. Some of them are nice others cause my heart to ache. What I know more than anything is that even in my dreams I want earthly children and in some dreams I have several but am much older with half white hair and several wrinkles. Who know what this all means. Preferably would like to have a child before I'm 34. I would say before I'm 33 but I'm 32 right now and that's not going to happen.

Items For Our Charity

These are some of the items that we have for our charity Fruit Of The Womb Angels. Keepsakes and giveaways that will be promoted here and through our Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels facebook page.

Not featured in this photo are the bags and bags of precious items like stuffed animals, beanies and pillows. Several things are in these containers like our beads for our beaded bracelets and items you may see at baby showers.

I want to be able to do as many giveaways as I can for bereaved parents, we've only been able to two giveaways so far due to shipping costs.

Recently I've decided that I want to get in touch with the local hospitals close to the area and be able to give bereaved families keepsakes that they can have after the loss of their child(ren). Plan to include our business card for our charity with a pamphlet of helpful resources and information too.

Many things planned for the future. Now it's just a matter of filing our paperwork so our charity can be official, finding a fellow photographer to work with us for our bereaved photography, and order our business cards and pamphlets.

We do plan to accept donations too because we have been asked about it from several people. Eventually that too will be an option available through our website and may see about getting a PO Box address for donations of items.

Have come a long way since everything began in May 2013. No idea what the future holds but always hopeful and optimistic.

Forever My Angel "Name In The Sand" Photograph

One of our current graphics I created from a photograph taken while on vacation in Los Angeles, CA, USA.

When A Cloud Forms A Shadow Photograph

One of the photos I created for our current graphics at Fruit Of The Womb TTTS Angels

Had a nice vacation this past week in Los Angeles, California with my husband.

This photo was taken while flying over the midwest USA on our way to LA.

Dreams That Keep Me Wondering

Last night was one of those nights where I couldn't really sleep well. I tried but something kept me from being able to rest. My subconscious decided to take me on a trip into anxiety land and I managed to have about every possible dream that isn't pleasant or easy to wrap my mind around.

Dreams keep me wondering after I wake up. Why did I dream that? What does it mean? Is this a glimpse into my future or is the a look into a past or future life? Who knows. All I know is that my imagination ran away this morning and attempted to entertain me in my sleep. I was not amused.

The last dream I had before I woke up was at first a very happy dream. I became a mom again and had a child. I do not know if it was a son or a daughter but they were small. The last part of the pregnancy I was either frightened something could happen or it was that I was having difficulty, either way I ended up having the baby.
Next part of the dream was odd because it took a part of another dream and incorporated it into this dream. I was not working at a portrait studio but was at one with my newborn baby. I still looked a little pregnant because the baby had just been born. I was there to take some photos of the baby and I, my husband wasn't in this dream too for some reason.
I remember sitting in this swing like hammock with the baby in my arms and looking at the camera for photos. It's odd because I couldn't see a camera but was looking in the direction of it. By this part of the dream I wasn't seeing things from first person anymore, it is as I was watching myself from above.
Suddenly the baby's body goes limp but I don't notice what's happened, everyone else has and watching the dream now from above I notice. Then I who is holding the baby looks down and then it's first person again, holding the baby up to my chest and just start crying and screaming, "Noooo!"
Then I wake up.

I feel that dream was very unnecessary. What did it give me today? Uncomfortable feelings about the future and hopes that never happens. I don't want to ever lose a baby again, I already lost two.

My Silhouette Heart

Just another day when 

My heart won't let it set in

Reality that's making

The day turn into night

I can't see through the light

It's cold, shallow and cruel

I'm thinking about you

But the distance separates us

I need a dream to take us, away

Wondering when it's better

Could it be this shadow? 

Surrounding me

I didn't want you to stay forever young

Now I am here and you're above

Dreams dashed and broken

Words left unspoken

Future plans never to see

It's breaking up the joy inside of me 

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart, I can't break free

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart

Trying to destroy my everything

I can't let this take control of me

I may just scream 

Please hope just let me be
I need a path now

A rainbow to see

Someone help break these chains 

We need a rainbow, make it rain

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart, I can't break free

My silhouette heart

My silhouette heart

You're were all mine

Now my sweet and precious memory

© Evelyn Schwenke, July 4th 2013

Just Wait, There's More! Bad Infertility Jokes.

 Recently when looking up pictures on google 

I ran across a few that I decided to collect and write a post. 

After being diagnosed with infertility, many methods of trying to have a baby, 

finally get pregnant, wow! it's identical twin girls, but they develop TTTS 

and pass away before their 19th week. I qualify to be able to vent. 

Here we go..

So you start out on your journey into parenthood with the desire to one day have children. 

You begin trying to conceive and of course you learn about that couple who tried 

for two whole months, maybe less, but it was suuuch a long time trying. 

Give me a break. Try eight years. 

Clomid is funny stuff. It never really effected me that way. 

However the infertility drugs and injections were another case. 

Moody doesn't even begin to describe the surge of hormones that take over your body.

Eventually people decide to give advice, 

some mean well while others do not but are just trying to be nice.

After years of trying you begin to feel cranky, at times upset, 

you get unwanted advice from your pregnant friends or your family. 

And..

Of course advice from those who have kids too 

because they "know what they are talking about"..

Then it's back to the drawing board. 

Let's try something else this time. 

Oh the joys of injections.

"Everything happens for a reason" you're told by your friend. 

You may have been trying and again unsuccessful 

or perhaps you just lost your pregnancy. 

"At least it was early on" you may hear.. 

Suddenly you may want to lose your cool. Keep control. 

They will probably think you're crazy if you react to them.

Now you're in this void of either not pregnant 

or used to be pregnant but lost everything.

All you see around you now are pregnant women, 

either early on or within weeks of their due date,

feelings that occur are not pleasant when you hear complaints. 

Did you complain when you were pregnant? 

You certainly never tried to because you were grateful to be pregnant, 

you wanted to enjoy every moment good or bad, 

because it meant you were pregnant!

So what is the fasted way to lose an infertile friend? Isn't it obvious?!

But have you tried this? Well of course you have. What haven't you tried?

Now that you've been pregnant and lost everything, you're trying again.

That ninth year anniversary of trying is creeping up quickly, isn't it?

You may hear someone say, "you're not as young as you used to be" 

and want to reply with either something mean because to you that's a 

reminder of how many years you have been trying for a family. 

Instead you just reply with something obvious like, "yup, you're right." 

So what's next? Just accept defeat and move on?

I THINK NOT!!!

In the meantime it's all a waiting game while trying.

Attempting to keep our composure and sanity as the weeks,

months and years continue to pass by. Always hopeful.

Waiting for our family.

It will happen again for us, I have to believe that.

And our future children will always know that they were very much wanted!

Growing up in a household with parents that loved them 

even before they were born, a family. 

A long for that someday.

You're So Lucky

"You're so lucky" some may say with a tired look on their face after being up all hours of the night between feedings and diaper changes. But when they say this to me I feel like replying two ways.

First is to reply with, "Well I guess so *insert artificial laugh*, though I'd love to be a mom right now, hopefully someday soon."
Second is to reply with the lesser nice version, "Oh? I'm so lucky. Tell me how I'm lucky. My babies died and I've give anything to have little sleep because of late night feedings and diaper changes. I can only dream that one day we have an earthly family. I'm not lucky at all. Yes I have free time but for almost nine years I've been ready to sacrifice free time and be a full time mom. So you see, you're the lucky one, not me."

I just can't get away with being crabby like that because most people don't deserve that hostility as a reply to their simple comment, probably meaning well but also one that they just shouldn't have said.

It hasn't happened in awhile but I'm sure that as more months pass by and we are still not expecting and the anniversaries arrive and leave; that I will hear those words "you're so lucky" said to me.

Do you know who is the lucky one? The parents who don't have to face life without their children. The parents who never ever have to know what life is like after years of infertility and lose everything that they worked for. The lucky ones are those parents who have their children, alive and well.

Think about what you would feel like if your baby / child / or adult child suddenly died. Just think about it. Now you have just a view into what life feels like with out a part of you in it. The death of a child, less alone two children, is a loss like no other. Try and remember how lucky you are because in the blink of an eye everything can change and there is nothing that can bring back your child once they are gone.