Letter To Our Babies

Dear Apple & Nana,

I know I usually write your full names but today I'll use nick names. I think about you girls every day, every moment it seems at times. I just can't believe you're not in our lives. I need to get rid of those email reminders, like the ones that tell me how old you currently are. I don't need to be reminded that you'd be over two months old right now if you had made full term. Life just isn't the same with out you.

I'm beginning to despise the few who say comments like, "oh you're so lucky you still get to sleep it and stay up late..." Those hurtful comments like that. Yes, I'm so lucky *sarcasm*, so lucky that you babies died! *sarcasm over* Back to reality. We are NOT so lucky! I'd rather be fighting insomnia and staying up at night rocking you twins to sleep or even you our precious Nana, after your sister died and we had you in our lives for one more day,.. We would have given anything to at least have you in our lives but you couldn't live apart from your sister and you died too.

Hearts still broken and picking up the pieces. I just don't know exactly how to be me with out you girls. You defined me, you made me a momma, you healed my broken heart from being infertile for so many years and you were going to be the start of our family. We were looking forward to everything the future had to store. When you both left day by day everything we knew and loved was shattered and taken from us. Why did TTTS have to kill you and take you away from us?

So many have their families. So many continue to keep their baby and get to hold them after a live birth, for years until they finally pass away from old age. This is incredibly upside down.

I miss your flutters and your kicks. One day of good solid kicks isn't enough. I was left wanting and needing more. Both your mommy and daddy were. We miss everything about you girls. The cravings you gave me, I even miss the heartburn and nausea. All the symptoms meant that you were here with us and it was really happening. Now only left with memories, what photographs we have, what we had gotten for you both like the bouncers, baby baths, matching outfits, and keepsakes. It's not enough, I want and need more.

I know I feel like many mommies who miss their baby after they lose them. I just don't know how to be sometimes. I feel weird. Life is out of place. I'm proud to talk about you but then I see the look on the person's face I'm talking to and I feel hollow inside having a difficult time continuing forward in conversation. Why is it ok to talk about living babies, or relatives or friends who have passed away after living their lives, but it's taboo to talk about babies who have passed away? Just not right!

I know with our charity, the blog, the facebook pages and everything we are doing in your memory it is helping me be able to talk about you girls more often without hesitation in my words. I find it easier to talk to a complete stranger than family or many friends. Why is that baby girls? If mommy has ever said that no, I don't have any children, I apologize with all my heart to you both. I have done you wrong by not acknowledging your lives. When asked I will try to be strong with my answer when I say I have angels. When we have children in the future I will say we have how ever many that we do, be it one, two or more may be earthly children, but my answer will include you girls in it. Years ago we feel that we did lose another baby but never getting medical confirmation afterwards there is no true answer to if that was real or not. I acknowledge you too our Baby Bean. It's like my memory wanted to forget about it because it was so horrible but I do believe that you were real and it really happened.

This letter to you has turned into a mess of words and I just feel like I'm falling into sadness because I miss you both so much. You both made me strong, you kept me accountable, your cravings for fruits and veggies had me the healthiest I've been in years, I miss everything about you babies.

I always say forever and ever because that is how long I will love you and remember you, miss you and have you in my heart. I know that you both know that. I feel like I really need you both to send me a sign, send both your parents a sign. It has felt like you haven't been with us for some time and we need some comfort.

Thank you baby girls, our beautiful identical twins, for being a part of our lives. We had you for half your gestational lives. It will never be enough but at least it was time.

I love you Apple Marie and Banana Lee!!! <3 Forever and Ever baby girls, forever and ever! <3

Love, your mommy

Until we meet again my loves.